[SunnLight]

Hello everyone. This is my first post here, so here goes.

I'm dealing with severe depression. With what I've heard, it's likely been a build up since infancy. Which makes sense, since it's gotten worse with the progression of time.

For a little background, I am an only-child. My parents divorced when I was two years of age. I was 'raised' by my mother, who always seemed to have her own agenda (moving us from state to state to chase after some guy or to be with family, which she'd get sick of seeing soon after the move). The custody was set up so that I would see my father every other weekend, and after school a couple days out of every week. That changed for the worse when my mother moved her and I to Arizona from Georgia (my birth state). My father, having grown up and established in Georgia, had to drop everything and move out to Arizona to try and be a part of my life. He had to leave behind his career and way of life and become a truck driver to make a living in Arizona. At the time, he was stuck doing long distance jobs, requiring him to be on the road weeks or even months at a time, only being home for a few days at a time. This really put a barrier between him and I, and my mother (with the law on her side), did a fine job of pulling the wool over my eyes as far as the value of my father, as well as many other important things, while in the pursuit of her own wants.

I spent the majority of my childhood in my room, keeping myself entertained with video games or spending time with friends. These things were basically my way of life. They raised me. Taught me all of my values and way of life. My mother seemed to be pleased with these things acting as a babysitter, as she did whatever she wanted with her time.

Whenever I was at a friend's house, I'd notice the difference between their parents and mine. The sense of family and responsibility were insanely different. Completely night and day. Truth be told, I thought I felt sorry for my friends because they didn't get to do whatever they wanted without care or supervision, due to a parent that seemed to actually care (or what I thought was needlessly strict, at the time). Looking back, I wish I had a parent that enforced rules and taught lessons. I lack so many life skills, missed out on so many experiences that would have taught me so many things I now seek.

As I got older, I noticed (and continue to notice) more and more. How different my lifestyle was from that of other children. Regardless of this notion, I didn't care to do anything about it. I was living in a kid's paradise. All the time in the world with nothing to do but keep myself entertained. But deep inside, I always wanted that sense of family. They just always seemed to have it more together, for lack of a better term. I always felt like I was just where the wind blew me. Now, my lack of caring just seems like the depression in motion. The numbness that made everything feel like I was doing fine. Like nothing was wrong. Like everything I did was just biding time until the next cheap thrill came along.

In my early years of elementary school, my doctor diagnosed me with ADD, due to my lack of attention span. Looking back, I believe it was more so a lack of interest and motivation. I didn't see any of it as important. My mother had me taking medication for ADD for about 6-7 years before I requested to quit taking them altogether. Over the course of those years, I had been through a few different kinds of medications, with increasing doses (in mg) in each new medication. Each had its own negative side-effect. Ritalin just wasn't working any longer. Adderall gave me spasms. The others took me out of myself as far as personality, and made me sick every first day of the week, with headaches on the rest of the days (I didn't take them over the weekend). They also killed my appetite. I rarely ate lunch. I barely wanted dinner by the time the meds wore off. From for the 7 years of my childhood, I can only imagine the stunted appetite likely hurt my growth and development. I spent all of my school years getting picked on for being short and thin (got accused of anorexia more times than any twiggy blonde girl ever did). I'm still unable to gain any significant weight, regardless of how much I eat (my appetite is pretty normal for someone my age. I eat full meals and sometimes help myself to seconds). Recently, a psychologist told me that medications taken for disorders that one doesn't have can often give these negative side-effects. So maybe ADD wasn't the problem at all. Maybe it was early signs of depression. Just a hypothesis, at this point.

I spent all of my high school years in the same school, which is something unheard of, given my past with moving and switching schools. I attended roughly 6 schools up until high school (Kindergarten through 8th grade). I made many friends in high school, and was known pretty much everywhere I went, due to an over-populated (2.5-3k in a school that could work with 1.5-2k) school and my 'unique' appearance. I was a 'weird' kid.

I was living in Raleigh while going to this school, and lived there until recently (a total of 6 years). I had a few close friends and many friendly acquaintances in Raleigh, but have recently left them behind to get out of my mother's household, due to her demanding too much out of our meager pay while not willing to make her own money (she gets just about any kind of gov't benefits you can want, including disability, food stamps, and section 8 housing). I now live with my girlfriend of two years and her parents in Edenton, North Carolina (roughly 2.5-3 hours from Raleigh). The area is very 'country' and far from everything, which is very different from what I'm used to. I've lived near cities just about all my life, and very much miss the convenience and variety of people and available work. I miss my friends, and I'm always hearing the same from them about me.

Since we've lived here in Edenton, we've gotten pretty close to broke, paying the last of our money towards gas (mostly), and feeding ourselves outside of the house (simple things like fast food). There are little to no opportunities for jobs or work to make money with, regardless of our constant efforts over the past two months applying to just about every job we're applicable for (restaurants, fast food, grocery stores, even temp agencies). Even if we were to get anything, I worry about our wages being too low to pay for our expenses when we move into the trailer her parents are fixing for us to live in, plus gas (which is a big deal, when you have to travel 30-45 minutes one-way to get to any sign of civilization. Food, school, work, etc.).

I've recently developed a pretty good relationship with my father in the past few months, because as he's always been, he's more than willing to help me in any way he can. The biggest issue is the distance he has to help from. After I moved to North Carolina with my mother, he went back to his old home in Georgia. Any money we've had since moving to Edenton has been help from him, or from our last pay checks in Raleigh. My father and I took many breaks between the time I was 13-19 from talking due to personal issues. Things like difference of view, my stubbornness, difference in religion... Things like that. Little did I know, I was turning down much needed guidance, though I'm doing what I can to accept help and listen to people who are honestly trying to lend me a helping hand, which is another reason why we initially moved to Edenton.

Things have either changed or become more evident since our arrival in Edenton. Things like the kind of help/guidance we need and want from parents while we're still trying to get our feet on the ground as self-sufficient adults. The break from friends and other recreational activities that I was used to sort of helped me in going out and furthering my education (getting my GED), though my girlfriend's parents aren't so willing to help her in furthering hers. She graduated from high school roughly 4 years ago (she's now 22), but the parents are thus far unwilling to give the financial aid people the proper information (tax info that provides income information) in order for her to get said financial aid for school. The financial aid requires parents to provide said information when the child is still considered dependent (which requires legal emancipation or to be over the age of 24).

I want the best future for us, but living in this area (which seems to be lost in the age of farmers and a bastard form of chivalry) doesn't seem the best for us. If she could get the financial aid to go to school, I'd be willing to at least TRY and see if this lifestyle would work until our schooling was finished. We've heard just about every excuse in the book to delay the simple help she needs in order to get financial aid (scared to give out info, don't feel like looking at the paperwork, "not now", afraid you'll move away again, etc.).

We're not willing to move back in with my deadbeat mother in Raleigh, but my father in Georgia is more than willing to have us in his household. He now does truck driving jobs that allow him to be home every weekend, and is completely self-sufficient in a financial sense. He lives in a house with plenty of room, a yard, and a neighborhood without a bad vibe. He's even told us that there are schools and activities close to his area of living, including cities and places we could work at (more job opportunities!). He doesn't live too far from Atlanta, either (that's a plus for me). My girlfriend wants for us to have our own place, and with my father only home on the weekends, it seems like a pretty good opportunity to experience something LIKE that, but without the struggle of what I've mentioned earlier. All while being able to pursue our educations.

If you've taken the time to read until this point... Wow. Thank you. Feel free to offer thoughts. I'll take just about any input I can get from outside sources.

-Matt

[curley]

Hi Matt, Got to say I looked at your posting and said wow, but I started reading it. I am glad I did. Some people are to selfish to have children and I am thinking your mom may have been one of them.
I understand about thinking you were lucky not to have any discipline when your friends did. But I am glad to see you found that was not the best way for any child. Children need guidelines and rules. Your maturity has taught you that is true.
I do not understand your girlfriends parents, it seems to me that with them it is that actions speak louder then words. Maybe they want her to stay stuck where she is for their own agenda.
Since there seems to be no future for you (or really your g/F) in Edenton I would grab on to any help that your dad wants to give, including and hopefully moving you to a city where you have a chance of getting a job. I am sure you do not want to leave your g/f but staying where you are is a total dead end road. Moving in with your mother would be even worse (my thinking).
I am sure your doctor was right about taking meds that are not appropriate for your problems and it seems like you have suffered many side affects.
I felt bad for you while reading your story but it sounds like through it all you have a good head on your shoulders. Don't waste time.....get going and take the help that will send you on a good road and a positive future that you deserve. All the best to you!!!

[HourHand]

Matt,

Your story is very similar to mine growing up. Only you have to give us about a thirty year difference. I was as neglected as you, went to about 12 to 14 different public schools before graduation. 3 different states. Wasn't on ADD drugs as they weren't available thank God. But spent all my time roaming the neighborhood alone, all hours wondering why other kids had rules. I am a woman btw. It was a terrible way to grow up, just like a weed.

I vividly remember seeing a movie in science class in middle school. An experiment with monkeys. A baby monkey was given two manikins, one soft and upholstered and one made of wire. The poor baby monkey had to go to the wire monkey to get his bottle of milk for sustenance, and to the cloth manikin for comfort. That is how I felt growing up, just what I needed and nothing more.

I think you're doing well and if your dad is willing to take you in I would say go for it. Keep working on your education.

I wish you both all the best. God bless you and merry Christmas.

HourHand

[Travelinglady]

Hey, Sunnlight! The other folks have said good things, so I'll add just a few thoughts. First, I know Edenton well, so I understand what you are talking about.

I am glad you will have a chance to get a start with your dad. Keep in mind that Atlanta is a very expensive place to live, so I think it would be good to stay with him until the two of you can get jobs and some money to work with.

Not to pressure you, but if the two of you marry, then you will be emanicipated and won't have to ask for parents to fill out any forms.

Best wishes!

[Elbie]

Hello Sunlight (Matt)., Sending good thoughts your way. Posts prior to mine are good. I wanted to say just you taking some time to be real with yourself shows courage.. I wish you all the best remember live your best life. Be kind to yourself. all the best .
Elbie

Sounds like moving in with your dad would be the best for you and your girlfriend. Hang in there!

[SunnLight]

Hey everyone. Thank you all so much for your input... It really means a lot to me, to see people take the time to read my lengthy post and offer such valuable insight. Also hearing that you all have similar stories lets me know that I can have faith in this advice. Best to hear from caring people with experience.

I'm hoping she'll be able to be strong enough to come with me. She's never lived outside of NC. Hell, her time with my mother and I was the first place she's lived outside of the Edenton area. That being said, I do understand her skepticism.

[healingme4me]

Is it your girlfriend that is skeptical? That really stinks that her parents won't assist her in filling out financial aid papers. Probably for the best, anyhow, financial aid is much better for an emancipated young adult, as it has been my personal knowledge of some of the friends I went to HS with, who eventually went onto college. How hard, would a legal emancipation be?

[SunnLight]

Yeah, it's my girlfriend being skeptical. The emancipation could take almost as much time as it would to be legally independent (1-2 years, I hear with all the legal bogus).