[Colleen1M1]

How devistating this has all been. I always felt like he was married and I kept asking, and he insisted he was not married. After one year of a rather passionate and extremely satisfying relationship (well, not in every aspect, but none the less satisfying), he must have felt guilty and fessed up that he was married, but seeking divorce. Well, basically probably 90% of everything about our relationship was a lie. I feel as if there was love between us, but I broke it off after I gave him some time to prove to me that he indeed was seeking a divorce. So this relationship went on almost a year and a half. It's over for sure. I am overwhelmed with the desire to contact his wife and let her know what a cheat he is, and just blow him out of the water. I feel like getting revenge is wrong, especially since it would hurt the wife and kids. Somebody please say something to make me stop wanting to tell her. I have proof; lots of it. There is no way he could lie himself out of this one.

[curley]

Hi Colleen, Sorry this man led you on but I would not tell his wife. I have several thoughts about why... 1. If she knows him at all she already knows he is cheating and does not choose to leave, maybe for herself, maybe because of the kids. Telling her the truth would make her have to admit to herself it was true and then she would have to do something about it. 2. If she does not know then again she may be forced to break up the family whether she really wanted to or not. 3. Even though his is married and therefore....should not cheat, there may be things you dont know about there relationship that keeps them together no matter what.
I have had two friends in relationships like this and basically these scenarios are the way it worked out
It will not make you feel any better to be blamed for the break up...which is the way both of them would look at you.
Just be glad you did not continue with the relationship!

[Emma83]

I know its hard, but best thing to do is try your best to move on and be thankful you found out when you did. I understand you may need revenge but the question you should ask yourself is.. Will it really do anything for me?. If he has children, think of how it might impact them. Eventually his wife may find out anyway or he may tell her himself. Probably best to stay out of their marriage. She will not thank you for it at all. Hope you recover from the heart ache soon.

[healingme4me]

Betrayal royally bites the big one. Sorry, you are going through this. Though, justifiably, angry with him, contacting his wife, hurts more people than just yourself and him. She may sense something off kilter about her marriage, maybe she's unaware. No need to victimize her, because of the pain you feel over him.

[quietfeline]

I'm sorry, but I disagree. Nobody would blame you for telling his wife! You have every right to. He lied to you for a year, and probably to her too. And he'll probably find someone to cheat on her with so...

But if you think it will make you feel worse then don't. Do what you think will be best for YOU.

[BadGirlBlues]

I disagree with the majority here. I would tell her, simply because i would want to be told if i was in her place.

[Hoyam]

hi collen tough situation you're in
you seem like a gd person that's led by her conscience and u didn't deserve to be with a cheating man. That being said I dnt think telling his wife will make things better or speeds up ur healing. I do believe women have a high intuition to know if a man is cheating (you felt he may be married right from the start) and the odds are his wife know/sense it.
does she have the right to know? yes she does
do you have to be the person that tell her? hell no u dnt!
you'll probably feel guilty for wrecking her life and her kids (you wouldn't want such burden on your shoulder)
telling her won't do you any good and revenge isn't the answer for you.
I dnt care abt him, he's obviously the bad guy here for lying on two women and karma will find its way to get back on him.
I hope you start the heeling process and forgetting all about him.
good luck!

[Harley47]

Hi Colleen. I am so sorry this happened to you.

Unfortunately, I know exactly what you're going through...I once dated a woman (via online) that, in the end, proved to be nothing but lies, including being married. It was devastating for me...the pain of betrayal was (and still occasionally is) immense, and I felt disgusted with myself that I had been played for such a fool and that I had been involved with a married woman, given the regard I hold vows in. It's been...2 years now, I believe?...and it still pains me at times.

Like you, I was (and still occasionally am) hit by the desire to call the spouse and confess everything...to at least apologize, for as little as that's worth (in my case, he already knew and made it very clear to me that...well, suffice to say, he's not in my fan club. Speaking to that in my case, you'd be amazed the power of denial and how easily you can fail to see what's right in front of you, but that's speaking to my case, not yours). I do understand your perspective there.

Here, it's difficult for me to advise what to do, as in my own case, the guy knew. Does his wife know what's going on? On one hand, if she is in the dark, it may be beneficial for her to know. On the other hand, from her perspective and with all due respect, you're probably not the first person she wants to hear from. You didn't do anything wrong, as the blame in this lies solely on the husband, but I wouldn't expect her to be quite so rational in receiving such news. It's arguable if it's your place to get involved, particularly if they're already in the divorce process.

Ultimately, I'd tell you that telling her with a motivation of pure revenge isn't beneficial to anyone. Revenge isn't always the best way to go...immensely satisfying at first, but rarely does it actually solve anything. Karma has a very interesting way of getting all the revenge you could ever desire if left to its own devices. I still leave telling her as a bit of a gray area...I only object to telling her to spite the husband and only to spite the husband.

I apologize I can't be more specific in whether you should tell her or not, but I do hope I was of some help. I understand what you're going through and how much it hurts. If I can do anything for you, I'm only a PM away.

Hugs,
Harley

[Elektra_]

as some expressed the same way i wanted here it goes. i would call her. shes already a victim but she doesnt know or pretends to not know (most likely). i would call her not for revenge but to make her aware of what s.hit husband she has. and like badgirl said, i would like to know if i were her. but do what ur conscience tells u. *hugs*

[healingme4me]

Keeping in mind, however, that in most states, the other woman(or other man), can be turned around and SUED for Alienation of Affection.

[Rose76]

Focus on getting clear of this guy. At some level, his wife probably already knows he's a creep, but she chooses to keep him. That's her problem. You've known for a long time that this guy was not on the up and up. Just get rid of him and don't seek further involvement. You'll just be prolonging the game-playing between you, if you don't.

[cdnomore]

I agree with those who have said not to involve the wife. If he was worried about how she might react he would have treated things differently. If he was REALLY afraid, he wouldn't have done it.
Obviously he's under the impression that nothing is going to happen, which probably means, he's done it before, which means, she already knows and chooses to do what she's doing, either way.
Involving her is going to make the fit hit the shan, and that seems like a hard thing to deal with on top of your feelings right now.