[GailH]

First I expect if I get any response I will be told to reach out to help others and don't sit around waiting for good things to happen.
My last relative died in April 2012. I don't have any family. I am divorced and my failed marriage produced no children even after painful and expensive tests--that's a whole other matter.
I am an active member of a major Christian denomination and have attempted to serve and do things I'm asked to do--teach children, sing in the choir, clean buildings, etc. Late this year I talked with my pastor about being alone and having no family. He told me that it was too bad. Most people here live near their families. Later one of his assistants asked me if I had plans for Christmas. I told him that I had no family and the busses don't run on Christmas. I don't drive so I depend on public transportation. I would be willing to serve meals to the homeless or visit Seniors in nursing homes or something on Christmas but I was pretty much restricted to a two mile radius from my home. It was about 17 degrees and rather treacherous walking. On Christmas Eve when the busses were still runningI attended services at a Methodist Church, even though I'm not Methodist (maybe that will change). I went to the service so I wouldn't be alone on Christmas Eve.
On Christmas Day I walked to a nearby restaurant and had breakfast. Then I went home and slept the rest of the day. I took some cookies to a friend later that night. She thanked me and told me to have a good night and closed the door. On Christmas Day I did not get an invitation to a dinner--even though there were a lot of families around me who were having big dinners. I did not get a phone call or a Christmas card. Now I don't need presents. I got some junk food and stuff like that. I would have just wanted to know that someone cared.
I tend to be negative. I am genetically prone to depression but this makes it much worse.
It is not my fault that my relatives are dead. I did not kill them. I've been told that the congregation is my family--well it doesn't feel like it. A lot of people in this area were born here, they live here and die here. I came from somewhere else. I moved here to help out my mother when she got old. She didn't much like it here either so I don't know why she lived here.
I realize that people might be afraid that they are intruding in my life although I have made it pretty clear that I am alone not by choice and have no family. I cannot prepare dinner for a family. I thought of a couple people I could invite to dinner but one of them got married and moved out of state. The other got back with her husband. There was a widow I was interested in becoming friends with. She is more than a decade older than I but when I invited her to do things she always had some excuse.
I know that I'm being self-centered and that there is probably something about me. Heck, I'm human and family or no family I still need social interaction.

[failureatlife]

My heart goes out to you. You obviously have the willingness to reach out and help other people just not the ability since you had no transportation. I don;t know what made you go o a different church on Christmas Eve but I it sounds like finding a new church might be an avenue worth exploring. I'm sure there must be a more caring church community somewhere near you. I wish you better days in the New Year and a belated Merry Christmas. ( I know that sounds odd but hopefully you understand what I'm trying to convey).

Maybe you should explore the new church you went to. Maybe the people there will be more caring and friendly. I'm so sorry that you feel so alone and that your home church is not more supportive. You deserve to feel needed and cared about. I pray that things will get better for you. Take care!

[saw_q]

Well Gailh,

It is very lonely there, i know... Anyways we are here if u want to talk to. emm..
its quite hard when things like that. But life must go on. well... from my thought i think you can't go on like that.I afraid in the end its just bring you down. This my suggestion. Why you find friend at there and treat them like your relative.You will be happy. Find the guys which nice hearts like you then treat like your relative. i think that will make you happy. Otherwise if you continue that its just make your self in broken hearts. Go outside. mingle with neighbor. who knows you will get new partners. hehe... give it try ok. twist the faith. .. may god drive you. just my humble opinion from me. thanks.

Saw

[Aria11]

hi there...i've been alone in christmas and i know how it feels...i have to tell you some things though... forget about christmas or being alone....what you need is to find new friends and this wiill be your goal from now on... do you have other intrerests or activities besides church?if not you should...go to the gym,go dancing...do things that will be fun... by telling everyone that you are alone and by being too needy you could push people away from you... so try not to give this impression to others..and remember...not having people around doesnt mean that the moment doesnt count...when i feel alone,i treat myself as a king...i prepare myself a nice meal and watch my favorite tv series or i listen to the music i love...when we feel good inside that shows,and people want to stay around people like that... i wish all the best to you...

[Willowleaf]

Hi, I hope you are doing ok. It sucks and I wish I could change things for you. Being lonely is not a good feeling, but I think Aria gave some fantastic advice. I am trying to set myself some small challenges to get through the days at the moment, whether it is to get bike fixed, go swimming or just write in a journal. Any small thing that makes me get out of my rut. Yesterday it was to curl up on the sofa and watch tv as I have a habit of staying in bed! Maybe you could do something similar but in ways to suit you. Anyway just though it was another idea. I hope you find some comfort in some of these replies. Sending hugs your way

[GailH]

I really don't need presents--it's just stuff anyway. What hurt me was that no one cared. These people are supposed to be Christians. Perhaps they didn't realize that I was alone, although I think I made it known. Many times people assume that people who live alone are loners. Well, I have no choice. I need a fair amount of stimulus. It makes me uncomfortable that I am indulging in self pity. I know that there are other lonely people that need companionship but being stuck doesn't help. Next year I think I will deliver my gifts to people on Christmas Day and not worry about interrupting some extended family gathering. There are a lot of them around here. I live in Utah where people are born live and die. I came from some place else. I wasn't born here. I live here now. I'm not going to die here. Perhaps I will write to people in the military. I don't have to do that just on Christmas but heck I have a whole day.

[anneo59]

Originally Posted by GailH

First I expect if I get any response I will be told to reach out to help others and don't sit around waiting for good things to happen.
My last relative died in April 2012. I don't have any family. I am divorced and my failed marriage produced no children even after painful and expensive tests--that's a whole other matter.
I am an active member of a major Christian denomination and have attempted to serve and do things I'm asked to do--teach children, sing in the choir, clean buildings, etc. Late this year I talked with my pastor about being alone and having no family. He told me that it was too bad. Most people here live near their families. Later one of his assistants asked me if I had plans for Christmas. I told him that I had no family and the busses don't run on Christmas. I don't drive so I depend on public transportation. I would be willing to serve meals to the homeless or visit Seniors in nursing homes or something on Christmas but I was pretty much restricted to a two mile radius from my home. It was about 17 degrees and rather treacherous walking. On Christmas Eve when the busses were still runningI attended services at a Methodist Church, even though I'm not Methodist (maybe that will change). I went to the service so I wouldn't be alone on Christmas Eve.
On Christmas Day I walked to a nearby restaurant and had breakfast. Then I went home and slept the rest of the day. I took some cookies to a friend later that night. She thanked me and told me to have a good night and closed the door. On Christmas Day I did not get an invitation to a dinner--even though there were a lot of families around me who were having big dinners. I did not get a phone call or a Christmas card. Now I don't need presents. I got some junk food and stuff like that. I would have just wanted to know that someone cared.
I tend to be negative. I am genetically prone to depression but this makes it much worse.
It is not my fault that my relatives are dead. I did not kill them. I've been told that the congregation is my family--well it doesn't feel like it. A lot of people in this area were born here, they live here and die here. I came from somewhere else. I moved here to help out my mother when she got old. She didn't much like it here either so I don't know why she lived here.
I realize that people might be afraid that they are intruding in my life although I have made it pretty clear that I am alone not by choice and have no family. I cannot prepare dinner for a family. I thought of a couple people I could invite to dinner but one of them got married and moved out of state. The other got back with her husband. There was a widow I was interested in becoming friends with. She is more than a decade older than I but when I invited her to do things she always had some excuse.
I know that I'm being self-centered and that there is probably something about me. Heck, I'm human and family or no family I still need social interaction.

yes, you do, keep working on not always isolating, not the answer, I know personally

[seeker1950]

I was alone at Christmas also. I'm just glad the holiday is over.

Sorry to hear about your situation. You should check out this free site called meetup.com. It's a great place to meet new friends. There are tons of groups on there for just about anything that you can think of. You can also find people to date on there as well. I met three nice women on there that I keep in touch with fairly often. I'm sure that you'll meet a few new friends on there!

[Rose76]

I don't have any family near me. It does get hard to bear. Like you, I didn't find joining a church brought much warmth into my life. Then, again, I didn't try to become active in the parish.

I won't tell you all the things you might try doing. Those things have all been suggested to me, and I know how unhelpful hearing that is.

I guess mainly I just want to say that I've experienced a lot of loneliness and I know how it feels. You sound like a decent person. It's sad that, without children and family, it is so easy to become so alone. But that's what does happen to some people. Having tendencies toward depression makes it harder to connect. I know that from my own experience.

You do need social interaction. It's part of being human.

[Yoda]

I am sorry you had to be alone this year.

[healingme4me]

Perhaps it was 'no coincidence', that you attended another churches services. It does sound, like you've been reaching out, without a family to 'adopt' you, into theirs, even if just for a meal.

I'm sorry, that you were alone, for this holiday. I am wondering, if you'll find friends and 'family' in the new community, that you walked into? And if not, sounds like you are pondering change? (from the part where you don't plan to die in the town that you live in).

With new years, comes new beginnings, or at least steps at new beginnings. Sounds more like an awakening to your circumstances, than self pity, at least that's how I read your message.

There's plenty of other places out there, that have public transportation. If you don't find 'community' there, after all you seem to be doing, why not branch out?

Originally Posted by GailH

First I expect if I get any response I will be told to reach out to help others and don't sit around waiting for good things to happen.
My last relative died in April 2012. I don't have any family. I am divorced and my failed marriage produced no children even after painful and expensive tests--that's a whole other matter.
I am an active member of a major Christian denomination and have attempted to serve and do things I'm asked to do--teach children, sing in the choir, clean buildings, etc. Late this year I talked with my pastor about being alone and having no family. He told me that it was too bad. Most people here live near their families. Later one of his assistants asked me if I had plans for Christmas. I told him that I had no family and the busses don't run on Christmas. I don't drive so I depend on public transportation. I would be willing to serve meals to the homeless or visit Seniors in nursing homes or something on Christmas but I was pretty much restricted to a two mile radius from my home. It was about 17 degrees and rather treacherous walking. On Christmas Eve when the busses were still runningI attended services at a Methodist Church, even though I'm not Methodist (maybe that will change). I went to the service so I wouldn't be alone on Christmas Eve.
On Christmas Day I walked to a nearby restaurant and had breakfast. Then I went home and slept the rest of the day. I took some cookies to a friend later that night. She thanked me and told me to have a good night and closed the door. On Christmas Day I did not get an invitation to a dinner--even though there were a lot of families around me who were having big dinners. I did not get a phone call or a Christmas card. Now I don't need presents. I got some junk food and stuff like that. I would have just wanted to know that someone cared.
I tend to be negative. I am genetically prone to depression but this makes it much worse.
It is not my fault that my relatives are dead. I did not kill them. I've been told that the congregation is my family--well it doesn't feel like it. A lot of people in this area were born here, they live here and die here. I came from somewhere else. I moved here to help out my mother when she got old. She didn't much like it here either so I don't know why she lived here.
I realize that people might be afraid that they are intruding in my life although I have made it pretty clear that I am alone not by choice and have no family. I cannot prepare dinner for a family. I thought of a couple people I could invite to dinner but one of them got married and moved out of state. The other got back with her husband. There was a widow I was interested in becoming friends with. She is more than a decade older than I but when I invited her to do things she always had some excuse.
I know that I'm being self-centered and that there is probably something about me. Heck, I'm human and family or no family I still need social interaction.

[JustMe75]

Even though I have a wonderful group of friends and a child, I still tend to be alone most of the time. Recently I've realized that I think I'm dealing with some depression myself. I don't want to do anything other than work, home, and time with my son when I can get it. One thing I've found that is good for getting out and finding people who might be in your same boat is Meetup.com. Take a look at it and see if you can find something you might like to do. It would give you the interaction you are looking for on your terms/schedule and I have made several friends who will be my friends for life.

[innocentjoy]

Since Christmas is over, maybe you can take the time to reflect on what you would like, and use this year to plan ahead so that next year finds you in a more connected place. The best way to have people love you, is to find the love inside of you, to show people the way. I'm not giving a sermon on how you should love yourself, I'm saying that you should find the things you truly care about, and follow them. If you love gardening, share that love with other gardners. If you like singing, join a choir, do things throughout the year that you love and are passionate about, and people will see your love and passion and be drawn to you. Try new things, and when the fall comes, plan your own holiday festivities, so you're not waiting for other people to invite you into theirs. Find out who in your area will be alone, and invite them all for a dinner. It doesn't even necessarily HAVE to be on chirstmas, it could be a boxing day dinner, something to look forward to. Giving your gifts on christmas day is not a bad idea. Just make sure not to let the depression talk you into believe they won't want you there and making you approach them with a "take this gift or else mindset". This is coming from my personal experience with depression and it's horrible and isolating self talk that always makes me expect the worst out of things.
I wish you all of the best. You are worth having people around on the holidays. And you are also worth enjoying your own company if you can't be around other people.
xoxo
IJ

[NWgirl2013]

GailH ~ you may have something there. I have found the Methodists to be some of the most social of any church group. I went to the Methodist church seeking exactly what you are, and they didn't disappoint. Someone even came & got me to go to church & other events when I was without a car! It is part of their mission; to reach out & bring people in. (Just sayin', God moves in mysterious ways sometimes). I'd check that out again.
Also, as stated by others, MeetUps, and the local community center might have classes or groups that you share interests with. I think that is key, sharing, learning with others about common interests.

I see you have done a lot, even taking cookies to someone, so I know you are trying. The transportation thing is the only hitch to your connecting, but even that can be worked around.
I wish you only the very best as you go forward into this new year.

[GailH]

Unfortunately this event has thrown me into a depressive episode. I know that I am overreacting but I have suffered on and off from depression since the age of 4. Possibly before that. Yes, children get depressed. I've been doing a lot of thinking about this and my belief that my social skills aren't the best. There are a lot of people without great social skills that did not spend Christmas alone because they had families. In my church I expected that I would be accepted as an adopted extended family. There was one woman in the congregation that did that, but her husband died and she remarried and moved away. I realize that I might give the impression that I prefer to be alone. Sometimes people think those who live alone prefer to be alone. Eventually I am going to move in with roommates--hopefully over 50 because I really don't care to live alone and it's too expensive. I've had cats and so I had to live alone. My cats are dying off so best case scenario is to move into a place with several people over 50 and there are dogs and cats with us. When I lived in Shoreline, Washington the congregation I attended was the same denomination. The pastor and the head of the women's group made sure I had a place to go for Christmas and for Thanksgiving. Things were different there. I mentioned to my pastor and to my assistant that I would be alone for Christmas. I was told, "Gee, that's too bad." Next year I am not going to accept that. I will say, "I don't accept that. I need a place to go for Christmas. I can bring a dish to a dinner or I can go some place for a few hours and mingle." I don't drive but I can walk and just about everyone in my congregation is in walking distance. Maybe I should have written letters to Christian missionaries and I should have written to people in the military and maybe I don't have the best social skills but this is not acceptable. I was so angry that yesterday in Church I refused communion. I did not feel that my heart was right to take it. One lady called me and asked me what was wrong. She told me that she wanted to be a good neighbor and drive me to church and drive me home. Right. She drives to my place and honks her horn (makes me feel like cattle) and takes me to church and then drives me home. This is nice and I avoid 10 minutes of discomfort. Then she never thinks of me until next Sunday. I can walk to church in 17 degree weather. Heck, I've walked places in -17 degree weather. I'm from Alaska. What I need is social and emotional support. I've considered another denomination but I believe in my current denomination's doctrine.

[Rose76]

Good for you deciding that next year is going to be different.

I used to pick up a neighbor for church every Sunday. I would pull up, park, and go in and wait while she finished getting ready. To be honest, I started to resent this. I thought it would have been nice if she offered to be waiting outside when I would call and say I was on my way over. I only mention this to suggest that there could be other ways of looking at how people respond to you.

It would be nice if your congregation was more pro-active about helping a member, like yourself, who is alone. You did find one member who extended herself to you (the one who moved away.) I'll bet there are other nice people there. Start now, laying the groundwork for getting to know your fellow congregants. Go to the pastor and say you want to do something to help out in some capacity. I had intended not to suggest anything like this, but you seem to want to change your situation, and you doing something is the only way that will happen . . . most likely, unless you get real lucky.

It certainly is possible to get depressed as a child. I got depressed at age 8.

The worst thing about taking the initiative, socially, is that there is the risk of rejection. There is even the inevitability of some rejections, if you reach out enough. That is hard for a depressed person to endure. Don't wait for the next holiday to reach out. Start building the groundwork now. I will guarantee you that, within blocks of where you live, there is someone with a problem similar to yours, who would be pleased to know you and be understood by you.

[Citrine]

I care! and I send huge hugs to you Gail. Your honesty in account made me cry. I cant say anything to make it better. I know that Christmas is some kind of measure of where youre at with the rest of the world, that applies to me too so I know how you feel but dont believe that its all hunky dory with those it seems to be though. Mean people get lots of presents and attention too.

I think you should find an interest outside of the church (some hypocrisy going on there if you dont mind me saying) and make some new friends in that group.

Bless you lots Gail and I wish you some loving friends for this next year.