married for 5 years... 3 kids

I have been married for almost five years and my wife is pregnant with our third child. As youcan probably guess, everything was great when we first got married. I joined the air force just days after we tied the knot. After I graduated from basic and we got our duty station which happened to be a base five miles from where we met we got a house on base. I wwasn't exactly thrilled that we were still ten mins away from where she grew up and my in laws, I kind of figured that it happened for a reason so I got over it. We got our own house on base and it wasn't too long thereafter that she got pregnant. I am really looking for some honest advice and feedback and in order to get that I need to be honest with you so I am going to tell u it all even though it doesn't all paint a pretty picture of me. Anyways, we have our own house on base and she is pregnant. As any newlywed s will tell you everything was great.... we were best friends and had an amazing love life... at least three times a day... it was great. Then the hormones of being pregnant started to kick in. She became emotional at times and mean. She would say some pretty hurtful things to me, she didnt love me anymore and she hated me, things that hurt pretty bad coming from the person that you love and just started a life with. After about six months into having our own place and the hormones, I began to distance myself. Instead of being there for her I would just leave almost daily and go party with my friends. Maybe not everyday but on the weekends I sometimes wouldn't get home til like four in the morning on a regular basis. I would get off work on Friday and would basically go home to change and wouldn't come home til late that night or early the next morning and I would do this until Sunday when I had to go back to work on monday morn. Leaving her home by herself the whole time. She would call and I would not answer just ignore her calls. When I did answer she would be nagging at me so I didnt want to answer. This was five years ago and if I could go back in time I would change that. But I can't, trust me, I feel absolutely terrible to this very day and I am completely ashamed and embarrassed that I was such a pos and a coward. But I cant take it back.
As you can imagine, our relationship took a turn for the worst. We started fighting and arguing constantly. Then the baby came. I really wanted a boy but it was a girl and I didnt really connect with her at that time the way that I should have. I was a terrible father and an even worse husband. She tried so hard to talk to me but I had not matured. I was a 12 year old in a 22 year old body. Through all this I remained faithful though. I truly did not mess around on her at all. But I was destroying a relationship that I really did love. That behavior lasted a good year and a half until I slowly grew up little by little. Eventually we moved off base and got a regular house so we could enjoy a little more freedom. Things remained pretty rocky, I was trying to be a better husband and father now, but didnt completely stop the partying. It wasn't like it used to be but I still partied. She didnt exactly make it easy on me, she is very emotionally abusive in the things she says to me. I cant count how many times she told me she doesn't love me and wishes she was a single mom. But I really was trying, I still had a long way to go, but I was really trying.
About a year went by like this. And I felt as if I had come a long way compared to when we first got hitched and how I was now. She got pregnant with baby number two. While she was pregnant we met another couple that we became pretty good friends with. My wife had known both of them since high school. Me and the guy hit it off pretty good. We became really close. About five months later, while my wife was at work my mother in law came to my house and said that she thought that my wife and the other guy were having an affair. I didnt really believe it because our marriage wasn't perfect, but I thought we were doing pretty good. I confronted her with the information that had just been laid down on me and she broke down and confessed. She had fallen in love with this guy. To the best of my knowledge they never had sex but they made out and talked a lot. As you can imagine I was devastated. I partied a lot but had always remained faithful. And I really was head over heels for my wife, I just didnt show it. My first thoughts were divorce. But I had an almost two yr old daughter and she was pregnant with my second. The thought of my kids calling someone else dad kills me. Thinking about her raising the kids alone scares the he'll out of me. She yells a lot and has absolutely zero discipline with them so I could only imagine how they would turn out. It was the hardest year of my life deciding to stay. I couldn't help it, I loved her. The guy was almost brainwashing her. He said that I cheated on her and I had til him about it. He told her that he thought I was gay. Pretty much anything he could say or do to paint the worst picture of me possible. It was very hard for me, just picturing all the messages back and forth from them. Picturing them making out on my couch. Wandering if they did have sex or not. Because people that do cheat will deny it to the grave, especially women. I struggled with that for sometime but she begged my forgiveness so I forgave. It wasn't long after that she was back to her old ways. Telling me extremely mean and hurtful things. She told me once that it disgusts her to have sex with me and only does it because its her duty and a chore. About six months after I find out about the affair she surprised me again. We were low ranking military so we didnt make a whole lot. We had steady income just not a whole lot. She told me she was going to hang out with her cousin. This cousin was a stripper. She didn't get home til really late and when she got home she told me that they had fallen asleep. Im a push over sometimes so I believed it. The next day she had made up this bogus story that her cousin came to the house and liked some of her jewelry and bought some for a total of $300. It sounded believable at the time so I didn't question it. A couple of days she broke down and told me she went stripping with her cousin and that's where the money came from. She said that she always wondered what it was like and we needed the money. Of course I was outraged and disgusted. I know what goes on there and I know that some slimy old duck had his filthy hands on my wife and it was repulsive to me.
I had been in the military about three years by this time and was completely miserable at work. I hated my job, it was like pulling teeth everyday walking into that place. I wanted to get out asap. My wife knew how miserable I was. But she liked the stable income so to her it was worth my misery for her to have the stability. I cant possibly see how your spouse could see u hate it job so much but be ok with u staying there for her. To me your wife should want you to be happy. At the end of my term I got out. I.... was.......thrilled. I had my life back. I took a sales job. At first it was all good. Good money and everything. Then it just hit a cliff. I literally was working my butt off for nearly three months making about 500 a month. She has been calling me a loser, telling me I should be a house husband and she will be the man. She is making me hate her. I have felt like she hasn't loved me for months. I got a job offer for 65 a year that I start in a week. But her constant nagging and the way she has always put me down in our whole relationship is taking a toll on me mentally. She is lowering my self esteem and ego. The other day she told me that she cares about me but hasn't been in love with me for awhile. For the past three years I cant hardly kiss her. Even my friends have noticed and mentioned to me that she pulls away when I try to kiss her. My friends all tell me to divorce her that I deserve better. She really does treat me like ****. But idk if its because of the way I was early in the marriage and it pushed her away from me and she is now a product of what I made her by being such a douche early in marriage. Or if she just really is that bad to me and I should run for the hills. Our sex life is nearly nonexistent. Oh and to make it better.... she is 8 months pregnant with my son. Am I whining about nothing? Is she a crazy? Or am I over reacting and reading into this too much? Idk please help.... Vegasdave

Hi Vegas, After reading your entire post, getting to the bottom and finding out that your wife is pregnant again I was thinking....Birth Control! Especially with the state of your marriage, your relationship!
Sorry, I had to say that.
I feel as you did that you sort of got the ball rolling with staying out all the time and not supporting your wife through her pregnancy, difficult for you too I understand.
Trust is something that is earned and once it is earned if it is betrayed some people can never get it back. So first to me you need to decide if you are past that point.
The name calling is something that you may not ever forget either. I realize that your wife was frustrated with your behavior but she has continued to take it to another level. You never commented...has she ever said she was sorry that she did not mean any of it? (Might help a little)
With all of that you say you still love her but does she love you?
If she does love you...if you both would like to remain married to each other I suggest serious marriage counseling. I do not think the problems you both have can be solved without outside help!
That is my very best suggestion. Seek help from a professional to see if you have a chance at staying together as husband and wife and family!
Good luck Vegas