[jasdog1994]

A lot of girls are always shocked when I tell them I have never had a serious girlfriend, because I'm "such a great guy" and I'm "good looking" and "fun" and everything... (I'm 19). I will admit that my girl problems come after the initial attraction part rather than being lonely because I can't find a girl that likes me. Just recently, I messed up with a girl I truly thought was going to be my first real relationship by not expressing my feelings soon enough...so she gave up thinking I would never feel as she did. In the past I've been through several different cases ranging from being lead on to being "dumped for another guy," and so sometimes I find it difficult to express feelings, act cute, do thoughtful things in fear of coming on too strong even though i really love all the cute stuff about relationships and want to find a girl that I can treat extra special and be comfortable about doing so without the fear of her losing interest. As soon as I tend to express that I do have feelings and put myself out there making myself vulnerable, it seems like girls stop trying/lose interest and that is why i messed up this last one so badly. This one truly hurt the most out of all past girl issues. What am I doing wrong, and how can I make sure I find the right girl so that I don't get left with the hurt and short end of the stick all the time?

[PolarD]

You know, dear fellow, you sound like a nice guy. I realize you said that you are told these nice things about you often, but the biggest thing that I'm noticing through reading your posts, is you don't seem to believe it. Believing it... and REALLY focusing on 'knowing it', will help you immensely. It's really the power of your mind. You just need to resolve to believe the things that you are told. I think more importantly you should do an exercise:
Look in the mirror. Ask yourself: "Am I good looking?" Sure, we can all pick apart the little details that we don't particularly like, but that's counter productive becaue as yo uknow when your close the woman you like, you're not even noticing her zit or her dry skin - you're noticing all of her. So - back to the mirror. "Are you good looking?" - Yes? Ok. Good - now say it "I _____ ______ am good looking." Now that ones done. File it away. One down....
Next: "Am I funny?" .... So you're getting my point. If you find that you are stopping on any of these questions and going "Ohh I'm so STUPID" or "Ohh look how gross my big nose is" .. well you're going to have to spend time getting over that becasue the fact is, people pick up on the things you don't like. I don't mean that this chick is going to start noticing your "big nose", but what she will notice is that you don't particularly feel comfortable with yourself.
When you're on that date and your nervous and your trying to feel out every little detail of the person your with to see if they are giving you any signs that you should lean in to the kiss... Well we're very heightened during these times, so believe me - if you are feeling inadequate, she'll know.
You're 19, so don't act desperate. I know you want a gal and you want to love and that's wonderful! Just don't spend your time feeling like life has already passed you by - you have a ton of life to live and you will love a lot, so enjoy all of this time. Don't treat the dis-interest of a 19 year old girl as any indication of your self worth. I was also 19 and for a female that was a horribly hard time to go through - we're 10 x as insecure as you guys - so the best thing you can do is 1 ) Be comfortable in your confidence 2) Go with the flow - what happens, happens. Don't treat every girl as THE ONE 3)Don't be desperate.It's plain psychology - when someone feels liek they already have someone, hook line and sinker, they don't get to have any of the fun part.

This all changes when you're older, by the way - this is the tough part. Believe me - what I'm giving you here is gold. The more you want someone to notice you and love, the more time you should spend on loving and noticing yourself. SERIOUSLY.. this works.

[Frankbtl]

Do you think maybe your confidence is holding you back a bit after your past experiences? And maybe overthinking or focusing too much on trying to do the "right" things/trying not to do the "wrong" things when you're with someone.
Perhaps if you tried to "let go" and be YOU/feel comfortable with being YOU a bit more. Afterall if whoever you're with isn't going to like you for you they really aren't someone you should want to be with anyway.
And you know, as painful as it is, sometimes some relationships just aren't meant to be, BUT we can learn from them and take that forward . Maybe see it more as taking you one step further forward to being with someone who is REALLY right for YOU.
I would say though to give yourself a little time after the last relationship if it really knocked you. After all you really don't have to be in a relationship to feel "validated". Focus on yourself, focus on feeling better in and about yourself then let other people have the privilege of seeing that. If they don't then hey, it's going to be their loss isn't it?
And, yes you do sound great just be yourself hang in there for someone who's right for YOU.

[Webgoji]

1. You're still young. Women that age (and yourself) are still developing all the connections in their brain that handle logical thinking. It happens with everyone up to about the age of 24. Ergo, they go after the strong emotional relationships and wonder later why they got hurt instead of staying in the steady relationship with "the great guy"

2. Do your thing and be a gentleman. Again, you're still young so do what it is you do; basketball, working on cars, college studies, whatever. Instead of looking for a relationship actively, as Frankbtl said, work on you. Do the things you enjoy and go down your own path. When you find a girl on that same path, then you'll know she's for you.

[RichardBrooks]

It sounds like what you keep doing is holding back until it all comes pouring out. So by the time you let your feelings be known, your girl is already no longer thinking of you as a potential partner, and then you dump all the stuff you've been holding back in her lap and she doesn't know what to do with it.

Warning, guy talk ahead.

Screw fate, destiny, 'meant to be', and all that other crapolla people tell themselves about why things sometimes work and sometimes don't. The thing is, it works or it doesn't just like a building stands or falls, or just like a car runs or stalls. You have to build it right from the start or you can expect failure down the road. You have to maintain it or it stops working like it used to. You have to keep putting work into it (changing the oil, air filter, and transmission fluid so to speak). You have to replace parts as they fail, and you have to continue to build it up (like you would install a ceiling fan or remodel the kitchen) and keep it fresh and new.
But first, you have to have a foundation. Then you frame it out, and then put up your facade and roof, run your electricity and plumbing. And all of this has to be done before you can finish the walls, floors, and ceilings. finally you can get down to installing plumbing fixtures, receptacle and switch covers, lighting, wall texture, paint, wallpaper, and all the other finishing touches. It's a process, and you have to do it in order.
Or another way to look at it when you're just getting to know someone: it's a lot like mental foreplay. You can't just jump right into the final act.
Start letting her know you may be interested early on. Flirt as you're getting to know her. If she responds in kind, and things continue, great. If not, no big loss; there are other women out there, and just because you're not Mr. Right Now doesn't mean you might not be Mr. Right.

None of that is to detract from what others have said; it's all sound advice. I'm just offering a different perspective.

[jasdog1994]

Originally Posted by PolarD

You know, dear fellow, you sound like a nice guy. I realize you said that you are told these nice things about you often, but the biggest thing that I'm noticing through reading your posts, is you don't seem to believe it. Believing it... and REALLY focusing on 'knowing it', will help you immensely. It's really the power of your mind. You just need to resolve to believe the things that you are told. I think more importantly you should do an exercise:
Look in the mirror. Ask yourself: "Am I good looking?" Sure, we can all pick apart the little details that we don't particularly like, but that's counter productive becaue as yo uknow when your close the woman you like, you're not even noticing her zit or her dry skin - you're noticing all of her. So - back to the mirror. "Are you good looking?" - Yes? Ok. Good - now say it "I _____ ______ am good looking." Now that ones done. File it away. One down....
Next: "Am I funny?" .... So you're getting my point. If you find that you are stopping on any of these questions and going "Ohh I'm so STUPID" or "Ohh look how gross my big nose is" .. well you're going to have to spend time getting over that becasue the fact is, people pick up on the things you don't like. I don't mean that this chick is going to start noticing your "big nose", but what she will notice is that you don't particularly feel comfortable with yourself.
When you're on that date and your nervous and your trying to feel out every little detail of the person your with to see if they are giving you any signs that you should lean in to the kiss... Well we're very heightened during these times, so believe me - if you are feeling inadequate, she'll know.
You're 19, so don't act desperate. I know you want a gal and you want to love and that's wonderful! Just don't spend your time feeling like life has already passed you by - you have a ton of life to live and you will love a lot, so enjoy all of this time. Don't treat the dis-interest of a 19 year old girl as any indication of your self worth. I was also 19 and for a female that was a horribly hard time to go through - we're 10 x as insecure as you guys - so the best thing you can do is 1 ) Be comfortable in your confidence 2) Go with the flow - what happens, happens. Don't treat every girl as THE ONE 3)Don't be desperate.It's plain psychology - when someone feels liek they already have someone, hook line and sinker, they don't get to have any of the fun part.

This all changes when you're older, by the way - this is the tough part. Believe me - what I'm giving you here is gold. The more you want someone to notice you and love, the more time you should spend on loving and noticing yourself. SERIOUSLY.. this works.

I know that everything you said is true. Before all this, I did love myself, was confident, and I think that's what got this amazing person to walk into my life. Her dipping out of my life so quickly slashed my confidence and tore me up. Just as fast as she was here, she walked out. Tonight she is coming over to pick up a few things from my house. I'm hoping to sit her down and just open up. I have nothing to lose. I'd rather look dumb in the end than to not take a final chance. because who knows. A few weeks, months, etc. down the road everything could change. It's just a painful time right now. I know though that in order for me to feel this bad, something must have made me feel really happy before...and I'm at least grateful for having that experience.