[PrairieCat]

She has been dealing with her son, age 22, becoming an addict. She is always angry at me, does not want me to talk, does not answer my emails, does not want to call me anymore, will not answer her phone, has been very rude and disrespectful. I don't know what I did wrong! I am clueless. It could be that I may have told her I have clinical depression and anxiety issues and am not bipolar. She seems to want me to have bipolar disorder and be mentally ill and apologize to her all the time for being so broken. I have discovered I'm not that broken and I have changed; I am much stronger. I have so much love and support to give her. She seems to not be able to handle this or believe anything I say. I am NOT the cause of her son becoming an addict! She acts like I am! Is this common?

She is my only child and her son my only grandchild. I am alone in this.

What can one do to improve a situation like this? Leave her alone until she may need me and approach me? I'm sick of being treated like crap and being disrespected and begging for her communication. I've really had it with her behavior towards me, but it almost kills me. It makes my anxiety and depression so much worse. I am right now just trying to take good care of myself, physically and mentally. I welcome any tips on how to deal with this.

[Little Lulu]

PrairieCat - you didn't do anything wrong. Your daughter is where she is right now, wrapped up in her own life issues, and you are not the cause of her pain. Just a suggestion ... back off some and let things cool off. Lean on your friends right now if you have to but take some of the pressure off of this relationship for the betterment of it in the long run.

[here today]

PrairieCat,

I don’t have any tips but I do have sympathy for your situation. My adult daughter hasn’t spoken to me in 3 years.

I definitely did have mental health issues and finally lucked into finding someone who could help me 4 years ago. But it got worse before it got better and because I had had issues throughout my daughter’s life, which I recognized and intellectually (though not always behaviorally) took “total” responsibility for (I was the parent), perhaps that’s how she still looks at our relationship issues. The current rash of internet rejection of imperfect or “not good enough” mothers feeds people’s entitled attitude IMHO. Yes, I got her started on the attitude that she was entitled to a better mother – I thought I was “protecting” her from my imperfections. Made sense to me at the time. My mother wasn’t perfect either, I had had my share of mental health issues but the mental health therapy I got 20-40 years ago seemed to encourage accepting our parents anyway. Of course, it was a different culture then, too. And maybe/probably “accepting” my parents anyway meant continuing to cover up or avoid the deep sense of abandonment, betrayal, loss, etc. which I’ve only recently been able to get in touch with, with the help of a trauma specialist.

I’m much stronger now, too – but my daughter doesn’t know that. She may be still dealing with her troubles with the “old” me. Doesn’t want any relationship. Maybe she’s not ready – and may never be – to get in touch with the kind of deep losses that get handed down through the generations sometimes. Now that I HAVE dealt mostly with mine, I can have some sympathy about where she may be coming from. Previously, even when she was a child, when I saw her looking lost I would “retreat”/withdraw rather than reaching out to her. My own feeling of guilt for engendering in her feelings which I couldn’t tolerate in myself led me to try to “protect” her from a harmful person (me) and also protect myself from guilt and the resulting shame. So “protection” was the dominant motivation, not nurturance – a family pattern, maybe. Sucks. I tried my best, my mother and grandmother probably did, too. We just haven’t known how to do and be any better than we know.

Maybe your daughter is overwhelmed right now with her own feelings of guilt, her own imperfections, her concern about her son. And when that's unbearable it spills over into ". . . if I'd had a better mother. . ."

Hope this helps and isn’t too much of just my own soapbox. I try to stay strong, grow, and if and when my daughter wants some of what I have to offer, then I'll have it. If not, at least I've done what I could. Maybe it will help somebody else somewhere and that will help the world our grandchildren and their grandchildren, or human beings in general, live in. That's all that I can see that I have any partial control, or influence, on.

[winter4me]

Take care of yourself. Do things that are good for you, and healthy. Let your daughter approach you if, and when she wants to. Let her know you are there, and care, and let it go.
You are also angry, and this makes it hard to be helpful/"there" in a sense that someone else will feel comfortable with---I think right now, your daughter has enough on her plate, let her deal with it in her own way. Do you have a t. to talk to?

[yumi]

Reassure her that she is loved unconditionally. Keep reaching out. Sometimes they need space, but keep letting her know she is loved.

[PrairieCat]

Originally Posted by winter4me

Take care of yourself. Do things that are good for you, and healthy. Let your daughter approach you if, and when she wants to. Let her know you are there, and care, and let it go.
You are also angry, and this makes it hard to be helpful/"there" in a sense that someone else will feel comfortable with---I think right now, your daughter has enough on her plate, let her deal with it in her own way. Do you have a t. to talk to?

Well, I've just gone through two new T's - one rude and awful who wouldn't let me talk (!) and one who was supposed to be a "prescribing" psychologist but wasn't; she was very nice, though. I will start with an art therapist next week, however. I'm looking forward to it, have wanted to do this again for ages. Am wanting to get back into making art, expressing myself through art, and get counseling also, so this may do both.
I will send my daughter a short email or text and she answers and I know she appreciates it. Yes, she has enough on her plate. Thank you!

[winter4me]

Art therapy is a great idea!