[janefarmer]

I am currently in a relationship of almost 10 months. My boyfriend doesn't want to hear the fact that I think that his best friend is attracted to me. One night, we were all sitting around for Valentine's Day at his friend's. We decided to watch some videos and eat. His friend needed a smoke and I am used to that scent. While he was sitting back, my bf and I were looking at videos. His friend was looking down a lot at the floor. I think it could have been bc he was lonely. When we were about to leave I told his friend that I am no longer tired and that this is the time where I could just stay up for the entire time. This is something that I'd do if bored and chill. All of a sudden, he whispered something while sitting on the couch. I know that he was a little high, but I couldn't make out what he was trying to say. When we left, I contemplated on what could have been said. I wanted to tell my bf that I felt he made me uncomfortable with the comment which I didn't here. The reason being, is bc I felt that it is a possibility that he could have taken what I said the wrong way since it was V-Day. I didn't tell my bf about this until a week later. He said that he'd known this guy for about 20+ years and that he didn't think that he'd try to pull such a thing. Keep in mind that I have been around his friend a few times and had suspicions of him staring me down from behind. My bf keeps saying that it all could just be a big misunderstanding and that it could possibly negatively affect their friendship. I personally didn't feel that he was thinking about the fact that I am uncomfortable around his guy. I don't expect him to take neither side, but all he kept saying is that it's just a misunderstanding. I let him know that how could he be so sure if he wasn't paying ANY attention. I then told him that I want to talk to his friend alone about this. He seems to have a problem with it and says that he'd rather be present. He doesn't understand; however, that if he were to be that it will seem as though both of us had suspicion and are uncomfortable. He feels that his bf will no longer be his bf if I follow through with this. I told him that it
s a possibility that he will be upset, but also out of respect to resolve the issue if I feel that someone may have intentions of hitting on me. He has told me that he's told his bf about some of the problems that have been going on in our relationship. I just wonder if he realizes that by telling him these things that it could maybe in his bf's eyes be an eye opener to be with me instead of him and also that it doesn't make sense to let something like this ride bc it's his bf whom he believes is so innocent. Just bc he hasn't approached any girls that you've dated or thought about being with all this time, doesn't mean that it couldn't happen. I told him that it can be for multiple reasons such as not attractive, in a relationship already, tragedy, focused on other things, loyal, scared, etc. Am I the only one who thinks it's best to resolve this issue now? Even if I'm wrong about it I'll be okay as long as I have made it clear about who I am when it comes to a relationship. No accusations here, just putting my guards up.

[healingme4me]

What good could come out of this conversation?

What type of resolution, do you envision?

At some point, if he is attracted to you, you'll need to accept it for what it is. Perhaps, your bf, is reassuring your physical safety?

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[janefarmer]

If he likes me, I am not going to fault him. As far as the resolution, I do want to still have a relationship and him and his friend. His friend doesn't know anything about me, except my name, in a relationship with his friend and that I like to write. How can I feel comfortable around anyone if they don't know anything about me.. I am just not up for my bf thinking that it's a misunderstanding each time his guy does something when he's not looking. My bf always says that he's paying attention, but he's more concerned of his friendship. He may have told him about what he stands for when it comes to relationships, but what about on my behalf? When is it okay for me to let him know that I do not support taking one for the team and such? Don't I have the right to put my guards up with anyone that I come into contact with?

[Hellion]

What does he do when your boyfriend is not looking? From what you posted its really not clear if he is trying to flirt or make you uncomfortable. If he said something you couldn't hear and you still don't know what it is there is a good chance it wasn't what you're thinkinging. As for being suspicious he stares at you from behind....have you caught him, or you just suspect he does this?

I mean if you are uncomfortable with his behavior you do have a right to say so, but keep in mind if he's not actively trying to flirt or anything he might be offended that you'd accuse him of trying to get with his friends girlfriend...it seems like kind of a tricky situation either way. Also if he's just 'attracted' not sure much can be done about that, its always possible to be attracted to people who are unavailable, doesn't mean the person will try to get with that person when they recognize they are with someone else.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by janefarmer

As far as the resolution, I do want to still have a relationship and him and his friend.

His friend doesn't know anything about me, except my name, in a relationship with his friend and that I like to write. How can I feel comfortable around anyone if they don't know anything about me..

Don't I have the right to put my guards up with anyone that I come into contact with?

Yes, you have a right, to put up guards. I'm conflicted about how being guarded and having his friend get to know you better, are intertwined?

Perhaps he's a brooding, sulking type and you can sense his presence? How much alone time, is spent between yourself and this friend of your bfs? how, other than this tension between yourself and bfs friend, is your bf not defending you?

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[janefarmer]

I never spend time alone with his friend. Yes, I have caught him looking at me from behind in the past. He hasn't said anything flirtatious to me. I do not have his number, therefore we don't talk on the phone. I want to get to know this guy a little better bc we really don't know anything about one another. If I am going to continue to hang around this person, shouldn't he know more about whoI am, especially if we are going to be considered friends?

[Webgoji]

I guess my advice would be this:

1. Yes he's attracted to you, but that doesn't ultimately matter. You're off limits.
2. Don't worry about about getting to know him past hanging around him with your BF. You don't have to be best friends to get along with him.
3. If he does get flirtatious, do tell your boyfriend, but often that conversation has already happened.

[Middlemarcher]

You can get to know him with your boyfriend around. I don't understand why you would want to spend time with him alone if you think that he's romantically interested in you. If he is attracted to you, he seems to be doing a good job of not explicitly expressing that, which is a good thing. I wouldn't go playing with fire.

[janefarmer]

I didn't say that I want to spend time alone with him, I meant pulling him to the side to talk. didn't want my bf around only bc I know that he will interrupt and say we've talked about this. At this point, he is just saying it's pointless after the fact he said he has no problem with me putting my guards up. If you don't have a problem with it then stop repeating your opinion, right? He says I'm pissing him off and I told him that it's only fair for me to do what I think is right. I don't believe for one second that his bf would tell him that he's attracted to his gf unless he was very bold and ignorant. I don't havr problems getting along with the guy at all, but at the end of the day I want to have a friendship without any doubt.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by janefarmer

I didn't say that I want to spend time alone with him, I meant pulling him to the side to talk. didn't want my bf around only bc I know that he will interrupt and say we've talked about this. At this point, he is just saying it's pointless after the fact he said he has no problem with me putting my guards up. If you don't have a problem with it then stop repeating your opinion, right? He says I'm pissing him off and I told him that it's only fair for me to do what I think is right. I don't believe for one second that his bf would tell him that he's attracted to his gf unless he was very bold and ignorant. I don't havr problems getting along with the guy at all, but at the end of the day I want to have a friendship without any doubt.

If whatever it is, that needs to be aired out, needs to be aired out between you and your bf's friend, then even if it's about to tick off your bf, are you still going through with it?

[RomanSunburn]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

If whatever it is, that needs to be aired out, needs to be aired out between you and your bf's friend, then even if it's about to tick off your bf, are you still going through with it?

Ticks off the boyfriend and more than likely destroy at least one of his relationships -- either with you or with his best friend, possibly both...

By all means, do what you think is right. You have to live with yourself. But you also have to live with the consequences.