[PeaceKeeper93]

This guy friend of mine (Jim) has been distant with me. He helped me out, and always told me how much he loved me, and even got noticeably jealous of other guys. He said I am his "best friend" and how much he loves me etc. Well my other guy friend Kevin is a big mouth, and a gossip and he is always trying to set me up on dates and Valentines Day was coming up and I knew Kevin was going to set me up with someone, so to avoid that, I said I was dating someone. He is best friends with Jim, and Kevin is a big mouth, but I still don't know if he told Jim or not, but then weirdly Jim came over my house like 4 days prior to V-day, but he messaged my mom on Facebook and said this "I knocked at your door last night around 6. The car was in the driveway, but I guess nobody was home?" My mom said "Oh I am so sorry, Jim! Nobody was home, Dana(which is me) got the car stuck in the driveway with all that snow, and so Dana left, before her dad came home, cause she didn't want to hear him yell at her, lol! You should have texted or called Dana, and at least you could have waited inside until someone got here"

He didn't reply to the message, then later on that day he said he was in a relationship with so and so on Facebook. Out of nowhere he does this, and it's like he didn't call or text to tell me he was coming over. Then on V-day I posted pics of me going out and I was going on a date. He still wasn't talking to me. So my friends have been telling me what's going on in his life, and how bad everything is in his life, so I figured I would text him and see how he is. He replied very fast to my text messages, like within seconds, but he seems short, vague and disinterested. I asked him how he was and he replied with "Good. Just trying to keep busy and get caught up"

He is not good! But he's holding back from telling me. He told me his deepest issues before, so why is he holding back from telling me what's really going on in his life? Is it cause he thinks I have a boyfriend? Jealousy? Like I said he has been weirdly distant, but I don't know. I just don't get it, Jim praises me and says i'm his "Best friend" but yet he won't tell me what's going on in his life? Also he took the relationship thing off his facebook, and is clearly not in a relationship with anyone. Any opinions? Any thoughts? Thank you! I am just confused, and want opinions on this.

[Almeera]

Maybe he actually thought you were in a relationship when Kevin told him that, and that hurt him enough to fake a relationship on Facebook and be distant so he can lick his wounds, I guess.

There's a saying where I come from: Lies walk on short legs... And since it was a lie that started all this mess, you might as well come clean with him and say you only did it so you wouldn't be set up on another pointless date.

How do you feel about this Jim character, by the way? If he wanted a relationship with you, would you want it too?

Originally Posted by PeaceKeeper93

This guy friend of mine (Jim) has been distant with me. He helped me out, and always told me how much he loved me, and even got noticeably jealous of other guys. He said I am his "best friend" and how much he loves me etc. Well my other guy friend Kevin is a big mouth, and a gossip and he is always trying to set me up on dates and Valentines Day was coming up and I knew Kevin was going to set me up with someone, so to avoid that, I said I was dating someone. He is best friends with Jim, and Kevin is a big mouth, but I still don't know if he told Jim or not, but then weirdly Jim came over my house like 4 days prior to V-day, but he messaged my mom on Facebook and said this "I knocked at your door last night around 6. The car was in the driveway, but I guess nobody was home?" My mom said "Oh I am so sorry, Jim! Nobody was home, Dana(which is me) got the car stuck in the driveway with all that snow, and so Dana left, before her dad came home, cause she didn't want to hear him yell at her, lol! You should have texted or called Dana, and at least you could have waited inside until someone got here"

He didn't reply to the message, then later on that day he said he was in a relationship with so and so on Facebook. Out of nowhere he does this, and it's like he didn't call or text to tell me he was coming over. Then on V-day I posted pics of me going out and I was going on a date. He still wasn't talking to me. So my friends have been telling me what's going on in his life, and how bad everything is in his life, so I figured I would text him and see how he is. He replied very fast to my text messages, like within seconds, but he seems short, vague and disinterested. I asked him how he was and he replied with "Good. Just trying to keep busy and get caught up"

He is not good! But he's holding back from telling me. He told me his deepest issues before, so why is he holding back from telling me what's really going on in his life? Is it cause he thinks I have a boyfriend? Jealousy? Like I said he has been weirdly distant, but I don't know. I just don't get it, Jim praises me and says i'm his "Best friend" but yet he won't tell me what's going on in his life? Also he took the relationship thing off his facebook, and is clearly not in a relationship with anyone. Any opinions? Any thoughts? Thank you! I am just confused, and want opinions on this.

Well being up front and honest with people is always the best policy and your case seems to underscore this. You made up your fake date with your other friend and it got back to the one that you clearly interested in. You should be able to be upfront and honest with your friend that likes to set you up in the first place. If you dont' want to be set up, have the courage to tell him that and he should back off or he's being controlling and isn't much of a friend in the first place. So either way something good would come of it, he would either back off and stop trying to set you up or you'd find out that he's not someone that you really want to hang out with and be friends with for his trying to control your life. Win-Win.

As for the guy that says he loves you and all that. Two things. First he has to have a backbone and ask you out. He wants to throw hints at you but doesn't want to actually go the distance and ask you out. Either you're giving signs that you dont' like him that way or he's not interested but I think he's trying to guage your interest. Instead of just waiting on him, you should make clear that you're interested if you are. If he still doesn't ask you out either move on or do something about it.

That is, if you haven't scared him off. I'm not sure the going so far as putting up fake date infromation on your facebook? What's up with that? What does that get you? I'm getting mixed messages here. You're acting like you want to go out with someone, but yet you do things to throw people off and make them not want to ask you out? If you want to be dated, dont' act like you're already involved and stop faking. Never turns out well. Someone will find out at some point and you'll have to explain and for me I can very rarely find a reason to understand why someone would outright be dishonest about such a matter.

I guess you could fess up to him but be ready for him to ask why. Hopefully he'll understand. But quit beating around the bush..

[PeaceKeeper93]

Originally Posted by Almeera

Maybe he actually thought you were in a relationship when Kevin told him that, and that hurt him enough to fake a relationship on Facebook and be distant so he can lick his wounds, I guess.

There's a saying where I come from: Lies walk on short legs... And since it was a lie that started all this mess, you might as well come clean with him and say you only did it so you wouldn't be set up on another pointless date.

How do you feel about this Jim character, by the way? If he wanted a relationship with you, would you want it too?

Well, I still don't know if Kevin told him, but I assume so, cause him and Kevin are tight, and Kevin is a big mouth, and is worse than a woman when it comes to gossip, haha! But either way I really did have a date on Valentines day to go out with, but it was nothing serious, where as I made it look like it was serious with Kevin just so he wouldn't set me up with someone, cause if I said it wasn't serious, but I have a date he would like bother me, and bother me to go out with one of his contacts, so I made it seem like it was serious, when it really wasn't. Me and Kevin have gotten into fights over this, he just thinks it's funny, and he's always playing little mr. matchmaker, and thinks he always has the "perfect" guy for me, *rolls eyes*

Well I do feel something Jim. But I always questioned him, cause he is the "man *****" type, and I always thought he didn't genuinely mean what he said to me, cause he is just trying to get into my pants, even though my friends keep telling me he really likes me, I don't believe so. I always wanted the relationship to advance into a romantic relationship, but because I have so many issues going on in my life, I am not ready for any intimate relationship right now. I feel like I have to get my priorities straight before I hop into any relationship, and plus I don't know if he just wants friends with benefits relationship, or if he wants a real boyfriend and girlfriend relationship. It's just hard, but thank you for commenting! I appreciate it!

[PeaceKeeper93]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Well being up front and honest with people is always the best policy and your case seems to underscore this. You made up your fake date with your other friend and it got back to the one that you clearly interested in. You should be able to be upfront and honest with your friend that likes to set you up in the first place. If you dont' want to be set up, have the courage to tell him that and he should back off or he's being controlling and isn't much of a friend in the first place. So either way something good would come of it, he would either back off and stop trying to set you up or you'd find out that he's not someone that you really want to hang out with and be friends with for his trying to control your life. Win-Win.

As for the guy that says he loves you and all that. Two things. First he has to have a backbone and ask you out. He wants to throw hints at you but doesn't want to actually go the distance and ask you out. Either you're giving signs that you dont' like him that way or he's not interested but I think he's trying to guage your interest. Instead of just waiting on him, you should make clear that you're interested if you are. If he still doesn't ask you out either move on or do something about it.

That is, if you haven't scared him off. I'm not sure the going so far as putting up fake date infromation on your facebook? What's up with that? What does that get you? I'm getting mixed messages here. You're acting like you want to go out with someone, but yet you do things to throw people off and make them not want to ask you out? If you want to be dated, dont' act like you're already involved and stop faking. Never turns out well. Someone will find out at some point and you'll have to explain and for me I can very rarely find a reason to understand why someone would outright be dishonest about such a matter.

I guess you could fess up to him but be ready for him to ask why. Hopefully he'll understand. But quit beating around the bush..

Well, that's the thing I hate confrontation. I have gotten into fights with Kevin about setting me up with other people, cause he just thinks he's little Mr. Matchmaker and thinks he always has the "perfect" guy for me *rolls eyes* I really did have a date on V-day, but I made it sound too serious, when it was just a casual date, cause that's when Kevin backs off, is when I say "it's serious" then he'll back away.

As far as my friend Jim. he has always expressed to me how much he likes me, but I guess I never took it seriously or believed him, cause he is kinda known for being a "man *****" lol! He would say things like "we're soulmates" "You are one of my best friends" And he would get jealous of other guys to the point where he said to a guy "Hey man that's MY girl!" When we weren't dating or anything! But I didn't look much into it cause I chalked it up to him being drunk. So I just thought the things he would say to me were motives to get into my pants. I remained friends with him for that reason, so I could figure him out more, and see if it was genuine. I do want a relationship with Jim, but I have so many issues in my life right now that I need to deal with, that I cant have a intimate relationship with anyone right now. I need to get my priorities straight, but I don't want to lose my friend in the meantime. But thank you for commenting! I do appreciate it!

[PeaceKeeper93]

Also I would just like to add that I have done so many favors for him, and he did appreciate me for that. But I remember one night, it was like 1:30am and his car broke down, and so he called me and asked if I could pick him up, and I did. He was really thankful, and appreciative, and he was sober, he just works late shifts and his car broke down, but he weirdly kept on placing his hand on the back of my head, and he kept on touching the back of my head. I laughed and, I kinda tapped his hand, I didn't push it away or nothing, and he quickly said "Did you just friend zone me?" I said "What?" He said "You friend zoned me!" I said "No" and laughed. He kinda said in a attitude voice. Then when I dropped him off he gave me a lingering hug, lol! It was long, lol! I said "Already buddy i'll see ya!" and he said "Love you, see ya, thank you!" I probably seemed rude, and I FEEL bad for that, but it's only cause i'm awkward and it comes off as rude. Well it seemed like ever since that he kept a distance, but then a horrible situation happened to me, and he helped me out of it. He gave me advice and everything, and even called my brother and *****ed him out, and he said "How could you do this to your sister, man?" He was clearly on my side and mad, and he helped me out of that horrible situation.

So what i'm saying it's confusing cause he then starts to keep a distance again, and not really talk to me after that bad situation I was in. It was weird. Then all of a sudden I am hanging with Kevin and V-day was coming up at this point, and Kevin was like trying to set me up with someone, and even though I did have a date for V-day it was very casual, and me and this other guy are just friends, and I said to Kevin "I am kinda dating someone right now, so please don't set me up with anyone, thanks!" and Kevin was like "Ohhhh...Ok..." So it's just weird. Just to give more details. Thank you!

[hamster-bamster]

I would apologize and then maybe his heart will melt. You would also feel better having apologized.

Sent from my SGH-T889 using Tapatalk

[CaptainChaos79]

There is this really ancient concept called honesty that you two should try. Sit him down and ask him what his major malfunction is. Only he really knows so go to the source.

[PeaceKeeper93]

Well I noticed he still isn't really talking to me and it's so out of character. Like he sent me or maybe it was a mass text, but whatever he sent me a text of his baby and it was a stupid and pointless vid, but his baby is cute so I said "Aww! What a little cutie pie! <3" He didn't reply to my text. He still isn't talking to me, but he's talking to other people. Like on Facebook he's acting all nice and having conversations with people, but I am not engaging on Facebook, clearly, but I can see how he is with other people and he seems to be nicer and talkative. Where as with me he's acting distant, vague, and weird. I just don't understand. I know I should talk to him about this, but I won't cause I am a coward, and I have issues. I am afraid to talk to him, cause I hate confrontation. I hate dealing with anything that has emotions attached to it, I hate dealing with anything emotional, basically. I don't want to get hurt, so I would rather just deal with the emotional turmoil and torture myself than actually ask him. I am just sad, and hurt by this, cause this is so out of character for him to act this way with me. Like he's a big texter, he loves to text, he always came to me and told me his problems all the time! I never had to ask what's going on in his life, cause I didn't need to! he always told me first. He just always made it seem like we had a special bond and that we were close, and best friends, but now it just seems like he wants nothing to do with me. I just have to cut him out, cause I am too much of a coward, and I am pathetic. I am so hurt by this, cause I feel like I am losing my best friend, and for what reason? I have no idea.

[hamster-bamster]

So you still have not considered honesty - is that all because you are a coward.

Sent from my SGH-T889 using Tapatalk

Originally Posted by PeaceKeeper93

Well, that's the thing I hate confrontation. I have gotten into fights with Kevin about setting me up with other people, cause he just thinks he's little Mr. Matchmaker and thinks he always has the "perfect" guy for me *rolls eyes* I really did have a date on V-day, but I made it sound too serious, when it was just a casual date, cause that's when Kevin backs off, is when I say "it's serious" then he'll back away.

As far as my friend Jim. he has always expressed to me how much he likes me, but I guess I never took it seriously or believed him, cause he is kinda known for being a "man *****" lol! He would say things like "we're soulmates" "You are one of my best friends" And he would get jealous of other guys to the point where he said to a guy "Hey man that's MY girl!" When we weren't dating or anything! But I didn't look much into it cause I chalked it up to him being drunk. So I just thought the things he would say to me were motives to get into my pants. I remained friends with him for that reason, so I could figure him out more, and see if it was genuine. I do want a relationship with Jim, but I have so many issues in my life right now that I need to deal with, that I cant have a intimate relationship with anyone right now. I need to get my priorities straight, but I don't want to lose my friend in the meantime. But thank you for commenting! I do appreciate it!

The only way to get over your fear and loathing of confrontation is to stop being non confrontational. start with standing up for yourself. I still contend that lying and deceit is no way to have a friendship with anyone at all regardless of the motives. I won't back down from this. If you choose to remain in your facade putting up fronts of dating someone when you're not, just be prepared that there will be serious backlashes from it in the end. It cant' end well.

As for your friend he clearly likes you and if you're interested in him then you should be honest about that too but be honest about that you want to take it slow and maybe not get into anything too serious with him while you're workign on things. That's not not going to push him away if he really likes you and you won't have to be busy putting out any fires related to the fake dates you have.

Also one other thing. being assertive and stating how you feel does not equal being confrontational. Stating that you would like someone to stop a certain behavior is being assertive. Them arguing with you and trying to change your mind aobut it would be confrontational. Standing your ground can mean saying your part and then just leaving it be, walking away if necessary from the conversation. At that point, the ball is in their court to listen and be a real friend and respect your wishes or be confrontational and try to change your mind. You have the choice to walk away at that point and that's enough to let them know that's where you stand and there is no changing your mind. They might not even like your position on the subject. they don't hve to. but at that point you are released from the need to put up fake dates to avoid them because they now know how you feel about them setting you up. It's all Win.

[unaluna]

If he has a baby already - i would give it a pass. He probably has enough drama in his life that he already doesnt know how to handle. Concentrate on your own life and progress.

[PeaceKeeper93]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

So you still have not considered honesty - is that all because you are a coward.

Sent from my SGH-T889 using Tapatalk

No I said, to my friend Kevin, that I wasn't seriously dating anyone. I admitted that to him, but I don't know if Jim knows or not. Seems like Jim wants nothing to do with me, and this out of nowhere, he's acting like this. I am pretty sure Kevin said to Jim that I am single, cause Kevin is a big mouth. I am a coward though when it comes to feelings and emotions. I know i'm messed up.

[PeaceKeeper93]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

The only way to get over your fear and loathing of confrontation is to stop being non confrontational. start with standing up for yourself. I still contend that lying and deceit is no way to have a friendship with anyone at all regardless of the motives. I won't back down from this. If you choose to remain in your facade putting up fronts of dating someone when you're not, just be prepared that there will be serious backlashes from it in the end. It cant' end well.

As for your friend he clearly likes you and if you're interested in him then you should be honest about that too but be honest about that you want to take it slow and maybe not get into anything too serious with him while you're workign on things. That's not not going to push him away if he really likes you and you won't have to be busy putting out any fires related to the fake dates you have.

Also one other thing. being assertive and stating how you feel does not equal being confrontational. Stating that you would like someone to stop a certain behavior is being assertive. Them arguing with you and trying to change your mind aobut it would be confrontational. Standing your ground can mean saying your part and then just leaving it be, walking away if necessary from the conversation. At that point, the ball is in their court to listen and be a real friend and respect your wishes or be confrontational and try to change your mind. You have the choice to walk away at that point and that's enough to let them know that's where you stand and there is no changing your mind. They might not even like your position on the subject. they don't hve to. but at that point you are released from the need to put up fake dates to avoid them because they now know how you feel about them setting you up. It's all Win.

That's really good advice! I appreciate your advice a lot! But no matter what I can't bring myself to actually tell Jim, what I feel about him, and how i'm feeling. I never lied to Jim or Kevin, the only thing was about the date, but I told Kevin that I just had a date for a V-day, but it wasn't serious, and I am not dating anyone. I am pretty sure Jim knows, cause Jim and Kevin are best friends and are constantly around each other, and Kevin is a big mouth. But I don't know. I don't want this to seem like I am completely disregarding your advice and your wisdom, cause honestly, you're right! And I appreciate what you wrote, but of course I am too scared to actually follow through with this.

Originally Posted by PeaceKeeper93

That's really good advice! I appreciate your advice a lot! But no matter what I can't bring myself to actually tell Jim, what I feel about him, and how i'm feeling. I never lied to Jim or Kevin, the only thing was about the date, but I told Kevin that I just had a date for a V-day, but it wasn't serious, and I am not dating anyone. I am pretty sure Jim knows, cause Jim and Kevin are best friends and are constantly around each other, and Kevin is a big mouth. But I don't know. I don't want this to seem like I am completely disregarding your advice and your wisdom, cause honestly, you're right! And I appreciate what you wrote, but of course I am too scared to actually follow through with this.

No I understand what you're saying and about your fear. It may not be something you can jsut go out and do, I know that but it's something to work on, it will only help you in the long run.

[Jolisse]

Jim has feelings for you and was hurt when you went out on a date, this is he's way of dealing with it.

[PeaceKeeper93]

Originally Posted by Jolisse

Jim has feelings for you and was hurt when you went out on a date, this is he's way of dealing with it.

I was thinking that was it, but i'm thinking that's not it now. I just think he wants nothing to do with me or something. I am just really saddened by this, but thank you for your input.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by PeaceKeeper93

No I said, to my friend Kevin, that I wasn't seriously dating anyone. I admitted that to him, but I don't know if Jim knows or not. Seems like Jim wants nothing to do with me, and this out of nowhere, he's acting like this. I am pretty sure Kevin said to Jim that I am single, cause Kevin is a big mouth. I am a coward though when it comes to feelings and emotions. I know i'm messed up.

I was talking about communicating directly with the intended target.