[iwanthimback]

A year ago a met the love of my life. I had been in a few failed relationships before him that all came down to immaturity from the male's end and the fact that they weren't ready to settle down like I was. I had been sexually active with these people, we were exclusive with each other. When I met my latest boyfriend I had honestly given up on guys, I am 23 but have always been very mature for my age and have never been the type of person to date someone just to pass the time. I'm in it for the long haul. He was every single one of my prayers answered and then some that I had ever dreamed of in a man. Chivalrous, career driven, handsome inside and out, family oriented, didn't like to waste his time in the bars, works in the medical field,...just everything he was, I had been looking for. We went out on our first date and I actually felt able to be myself 100% for the first time. It felt amazing! He accepted me for me and we started dating officially about two weeks later. We fell in love with each other and couldn't wait to say it to one another. This relationship was perfect! We spent as much time as we could together, always finding tome for one another. I am a full time student so I go to school and work during the day and he works the pm shift so we could only see each other every other weekend and once a week in between. It was okay though, we made it work. The first time we were sexual I asked him if he was sure because I didn't want it to ruin what we had going. He said yes. It didn't affect out relationship other than in a positive way. We spent holidays together, our families loved each other. He brought up marriage, children, etc. I agreed to it all, I had found my soulmate! Then, after 8 months of dating, he asked me out of no where how many people I had been sexually active with before him. I, naturally, got nervous because I had not expected this question. It was uncomfortable for me, not because I am ashamed of my past but because I wasn't prepared to talk about that with him. The past is the past for a reason. I was not concerned with his past because it had nothing to do with me, it was before me. I judged and made my opinion of him from the day I met him and so on. I gave him my answer and he seemed like everything was okay. He promised me it wouldn't change our relationship. Then, a week later all help broke loose. He was so upset, thinking that I withheld information from him, lied about my number, he wanted to know who they were. I tried easing his mind as much as I could with being honest bit it didn't seem to work. He coukdnt understand why I gave something so special to someone that I didn't love. The big thing is, I didn't know love before him. I thought I had but he showed me what real love was! Things seemed fine after that but he ended up breaking up with me. A month went by and we got back together, he said that there were too many positive thing about us and that he loved me too much to let this one thing ruin our relationship. Then again, another month later he broke up with me. He said he just didn't feel the same about me, the spark wasn't there, he had to force himself to be lovey, it didn't come naturally anymore. I did everything I possibly could to prove to him that I love him, that I'd do anything to help our relationship, that he showed me what love really was. He just doesn't seem to care.Through our relationship he told me about his past girlfriend, his first was for 5 years and they had both intended to stay abstinent until marriage, they ended up having sex. Hos second girlfriend, they broke yo because she told him she loved him but he coukdnt say it back. He also was sexually active with her. So he broke two strong beliefs that he had. Yet it's okay that he did those things but it's not okay that I did? He kept saying that he wanted to be with someone who was as proud of their past as he is of his. Am I wrong? Is he wrong? Everyone has a past that they learn from. Why am I being chastised for something that everyone has, including him?! Please help!

I'm not really sure what kind of advice to give here. Perhaps he's a bit more commitment-phobic than he let on. Before the, for lack of a better word, meltdown he had over your discussion about the past, did he show any changes in behaviour to signify that something was up?

[iwanthimback]

Originally Posted by FrightenedRabbit

I'm not really sure what kind of advice to give here. Perhaps he's a bit more commitment-phobic than he let on. Before the, for lack of a better word, meltdown he had over your discussion about the past, did he show any changes in behaviour to signify that something was up?

Not a single thing... We, but more importantly HE, showed all signs of wanting a marriage with me. He did nothing but show signs of moving forward in out relationship towards more serious steps. So as you can imagine why this caused me so much confusion!

[hamster-bamster]

You are not behaving correctly. The way you handled it made you appear desperate. Being desperate is never beneficial to you, and even if you feel desperate, it pays to try not to act desperate, still. Do you want to discuss how to change your tone now?

[iwanthimback]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

You are not behaving correctly. The way you handled it made you appear desperate. Being desperate is never beneficial to you, and even if you feel desperate, it pays to try not to act desperate, still. Do you want to discuss how to change your tone now?

Of course, I am open to any help!

[hamster-bamster]

I think you need to turn the tables.

I would write the following to him:

"ABC,

I am writing to ask you to please not get in touch with me in any way until (date that seems reasonable to you), and use the time to think about your recent behavior. I will describe my concerns below, and if you have something compelling to say in your defense, I will listen to you then. I am giving you this time to prevent an impulsive, knee-jerk response coming from you.

Here are my concerns:

1. You behave as if I owed you reports and accounts of my past. I don't have that kind of duty towards you. I certainly don't want to be married to a person who does not respect my individual privacy. I am glad this issue came up when it did and not later, say, after we have sent out invitations. That you questioned me in an interrogative style was abhorrent.

2. I have nothing to be ashamed of in my life history, and your insinuating that I had was deeply offensive to me.

3. You have a double standard. (Spell out why). How despicable.

I will wait to hear what you have to say after you have thought about my reactions to your recent words and actions. I do love you, but nothing, including loving you, justifies allowing myself to be mistreated. If you cannot come up with words to put me at ease and make be change my opinion of you, that is OK. I would then say that it is all for the better that you showed your true colors now. The sooner we get clatity, the better.

This is all for now. I am putting your phone number on direct voice mail forwarding for now, and will not respond to voicemails until DATE.

Cheers,

XYZ

Sent from my SGH-T889 using Tapatalk

[iwanthimback]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

I think you need to turn the tables.

I would write the following to him:

"ABC,

I am writing to ask you to please not get in touch with me in any way until (date that seems reasonable to you), and use the time to think about your recent behavior. I will describe my concerns below, and if you have something compelling to say in your defense, I will listen to you then. I am giving you this time to prevent an impulsive, knee-jerk response coming from you.

Here are my concerns:

1. You behave as if I owed you reports and accounts of my past. I don't have that kind of duty towards you. I certainly don't want to be married to a person who does not respect my individual privacy. I am glad this issue came up when it did and not later, say, after we have sent out invitations. That you questioned me in an interrogative style was abhorrent.

2. I have nothing to be ashamed of in my life history, and your insinuating that I had was deeply offensive to me.

3. You have a double standard. (Spell out why). How despicable.

I will wait to hear what you have to say after you have thought about my reactions to your recent words and actions. I do love you, but nothing, including loving you, justifies allowing myself to be mistreated. If you cannot come up with words to put me at ease and make be change my opinion of you, that is OK. I would then say that it is all for the better that you showed your true colors now. The sooner we get clatity, the better.

This is all for now. I am putting your phone number on direct voice mail forwarding for now, and will not respond to voicemails until DATE.

Cheers,

XYZ

Sent from my SGH-T889 using Tapatalk

That is the most spot on and bada$$ advice I have yet to hear! Thank you hampster bamster!

[waiting4]

Yeah....that's swell, Hampster, but if he's an NPD, which I highly suspect, it won't mean squat to him. The turning away might, and he might be tempted to scoop her back up for a while so he can get the supply back. But I doubt it. And if he does, it WON'T be because he wants back into the relationship. It'll be a temporary high for him. That's all.

It sounds like he has reached the point where you were no longer 'doing it' for him. He looked for, and found a way to devalue you, so he could cast you aside, and look again for the 'next big thing'. It's not your fault at all. You did nothing wrong, and behaved like anyone who had been conned--including believing things, that probably in retrospect, may have raised a few flags.

There are some very good video's regarding NPD on youtube...I suggest you look them up. See if that's your guy. The problem is, NO ONE is 'perfect'.....and a person who is able to project that into your mind (and in the case of NPD, your soul) is one of the most virulent ways to be hurt. I feel bad for you. I've been there.

My thoughts are with you. You're in for a rough ride. Try to bond with friends, family....and try mostly to find the person you were a year ago. THAT is the special person. Not him.

((hugs))

[Rose76]

I don't believe it's your past that he's really concerned with. It's the future. It sounds like he gets cold feet when his relationships get serious. So he throws up a smokescreen about something that is not the real issue. You have idealized him, without really knowing him. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Yet, you believed you had one. I think both of you are unrealistic. Both of you had idealized images of each other, that are fading.

He interrogated you about your past in a way that was inappropriate. Yet you thought that you could make it alright by being honest. In a way, he blackmailed you. "Tell me the truth, or I will leave you." Then he seems ready to leave you anyway. It sounds like he wants out of this relationship, yet he wants to make it seem that he is forced out because of something unacceptable about you. He is not being honest with himself.

I would advise you to absolutely refuse to discuss your past relationships any further. It won't do any good. Either he accepts you as you are, or he doesn't. He's going to keep holding this over your head. It's sad. He may have obsessive tendencies . . . that he requires a perfection that does not exist. Trying to please a man like that could give you a miserable life. You are young, and there are more fish in the sea. It sounds like you want to settle down soon and told yourself that things with this guy were better than what they really were. I'ld step back, if I were you. Then see what he does.

[iwanthimback]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I don't believe it's your past that he's really concerned with. It's the future. It sounds like he gets cold feet when his relationships get serious. So he throws up a smokescreen about something that is not the real issue. You have idealized him, without really knowing him. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Yet, you believed you had one. I think both of you are unrealistic. Both of you had idealized images of each other, that are fading.

He interrogated you about your past in a way that was inappropriate. Yet you thought that you could make it alright by being honest. In a way, he blackmailed you. "Tell me the truth, or I will leave you." Then he seems ready to leave you anyway. It sounds like he wants out of this relationship, yet he wants to make it seem that he is forced out because of something unacceptable about you. He is not being honest with himself.

I would advise you to absolutely refuse to discuss your past relationships any further. It won't do any good. Either he accepts you as you are, or he doesn't. He's going to keep holding this over your head. It's sad. He may have obsessive tendencies . . . that he requires a perfection that does not exist. Trying to please a man like that could give you a miserable life. You are young, and there are more fish in the sea. It sounds like you want to settle down soon and told yourself that things with this guy were better than what they really were. I'ld step back, if I were you. Then see what he does.

I agree. It's just disheartening to know that he thought I was different than anyone else he had ever met or dated. He told me he lost all hope in women until he met me. For him to be the one to initiate coversations about marriage and a life together and then do a complete turn around... its just nonsense. In my heart, I know that there is nothing wrong with me; I am simply human and I did everything I could for him from a place of love. I'm just wondering why he really thinks he is going to find this virgin unicorn that doesn't exist out there, especially someone in their late 20's. You all are right though, I am still young and I shouldn't let this ruin me. I guess you have to kiss a few frogs and 'somewhat' princes before you find the best prince!

[Rose76]

Saying to you that "he had lost all hope in women prior to meetin" you is kind of a red flag. I know it probably sounded flattering when he said it, but it's not really. It shows that he already had ridiculous expectations prior to meeting you. What this guy wants doesn't exist. It's not just the "virginal" thing. I bet, if he were given 72 virgins to pick from, he'ld find something objectionable in every one of them. He sounds pretty self-absorbed.

You're right . . . there is nothing wrong with you. Besides, if someone loves you, it's not because you are perfect in their eyes. Love is when you care for someone, even after you've come to know that they are human and not ideal.