[SandDollae]

Hello, I am a young 20s woman.

My mother, father and myself have always had issues since I was a little kid. I think only my younger brother fell far enough from the crazy tree, but I'm not even 100% sure on that, since he doesn't talk much about personal things with me.

My father abusive, an alcoholic and also a sociopath. He tortured animals, as an example, and without going into the triggering details, he was a monster to us, as well. My mother never protected me from him, and even based on some old home videos, she never seemed to like me very much.

When the CPS came to our home when I was a kid, after they left, she called me a liar and told me that if I ever said such things again, then my father would go to jail and it would be all my fault. Then she sent me to my room. I was 5.

The older I got, the worse it got, both with my father being abusive, and with my mother not wanting anything to do with me. She made it clear that I belonged to my father, who she hated, and that my brother belonged to her. I have a lot of memories of her going out of her way to show that she favored him over me.

When I was a young teenager, my mother started running away for short periods of time. But one time she left us with him for two weeks while she left the country to go on a vacation to see a boyfriend she met online. I can't remember those two weeks at all. I just remember the day she came home and how she told me that she wished she hadn't had to come back.

I was always her therapist and always tried to protect her from my father. I worried about her all the time. Sometimes I would sit outside my parents' bedroom door at night with a knife, because I was afraid that I was going to have to kill my father.

She finally divorced my father when I was almost 16, and she married a new husband and moved us to another state when I was 17. Things were certainly a lot better. But I also had a lot of issues by then. I was a good kid and went to school and didn't mess around with drugs or anything. But I was very depressed and had severe anxiety and panic attacks. And I had also self-harmed for a while.

My mother seemed to resent me with my problems, and said that she wished I would just get over whatever was wrong with me. When I graduated from high school, she told me to move in with my boyfriend because she wanted my room for herself for storage and such. She also told me that my brother's room would always be his even if he went to college because that was important. After I moved out, she wouldn't talk to me for about two years.

And while all of this sound sounds unhealthy, I also have scattered memories of my mother being really nice to me sometimes, and I have always loved her and cared about her. And still to this day I worry about her, even when nothing is wrong.

The boyfriend I moved in with was abusive, and eventually my mother let me move back in with her to get back on my feet. She acted like nothing had ever happened after I contacted her begging her to come get me. She was really nice and energetic towards me, but we also had to pretend like nothing bad had ever happened between us. If I tried to talk it out with her, she would ignore me or deny anything ever happened.

She continued to do random unpleasant things, and during this time I also started to experience a lot of anger. Sometimes we would have ridiculous fights about silly things, because we couldn't talk about the real things, and I would say very nasty things sometimes.

When I had saved up enough to leave, I sent her some very long emails telling her that I hadn't forgotten everything that happened, but that I just wanted to heal and be honest, and not have to pretend anymore. I had been pretending my whole life that things were okay when they were not. I admitted that I have some issues of my own and that I was going to work on them, and that I was moving away to get some space and work on those things. And I told her if she wanted to heal with me, she was welcomed to do so. She never responded to my emails and pretended like she never got them.

She dropped me off at the airport, and when I went to go through the cut-off point at security, I turned around to give her a hug, but she turned away without saying anything and ran away. She had her husband check on me to make sure I made it to my new state okay.

This was about six months ago. We have been emailing each other and talked on the phone a couple times. She still doesn't bring up anything that we have always pretended didn't happen, including the emails. But we have been pleasant to each other.

She has sent me tons of gifts and things since I moved out here, and also once a check, without me asking her to send me these things. I have worried that she thinks healing meant buying me a lot of stuff, but that is not what I wanted. I just wanted to be genuine about things, and to apologize to each other and forgive each other.

She is flying out to see me in a month, and to be honest I am kind of terrified. I have been doing pretty well. I have made some friends and have a good job. I don't know what to expect when she comes out here. She texts me often now talking about things she is buying to bring me when she comes out here, or just to see how I am doing. I don't know how to feel. I just say thank you, but I also feel bad.

I don't know what to say to her when she gets here. I have a feeling I am going to start crying when I see her get off the plane, for all sorts of reasons, good and bad. I am just getting really stressed out. Wondering if anyone has any advice or has gone through something similar. Thank you.

[yumi]

Don't give up on your mom. I'm so sorry she put you thru these things, yet I can't help but to think that because of the things she herself went thru, it may have lent a hand in the way she ended up treating you. I don't know how to express it....I'm sure your mom loves you more than you realize and perhaps she lost her own way in this life with the things that happened to her, that it just happened like that. I wouldn't think it would have been intentional towards you. Maybe she lost herself. When we lose ourselves, its so hard to function in a normal way anymore. I have a hunch she greives for you a great deal for hurting you so much. I would think she wants nothing more than to heal together with you. I hope I'm making sense. I really pray you and her can come truly back together as mother and daughter....I really do. I can tell you love her and I'm willing to bet my last dollar that she loves you too.

[SandDollae]

Originally Posted by yumi

Don't give up on your mom. I'm so sorry she put you thru these things, yet I can't help but to think that because of the things she herself went thru, it may have lent a hand in the way she ended up treating you. I don't know how to express it....I'm sure your mom loves you more than you realize and perhaps she lost her own way in this life with the things that happened to her, that it just happened like that. I wouldn't think it would have been intentional towards you. Maybe she lost herself. When we lose ourselves, its so hard to function in a normal way anymore. I have a hunch she greives for you a great deal for hurting you so much. I would think she wants nothing more than to heal together with you. I hope I'm making sense. I really pray you and her can come truly back together as mother and daughter....I really do. I can tell you love her and I'm willing to bet my last dollar that she loves you too.

Thank you for the words of encouragement. I do love her, and I do believe she loves me in her own way. I think we have both been damaged for such a long time. But like I said, I have these scattered memories of her trying. It was always some very randomly spontaneous thing, and her moods could change so drastically for better or worse. But I have done so much self-work for myself in healing, and a huge part of it is not pretending. I've had to work very hard on communicating in relationships and I am still terrible at it compared to normal people. As soon as she gets off that plane, I believe that I will feel like I am five years old again suddenly, and I will be in that feeling of pretending the entire time she is here (multiple weeks). I wish even that she would just acknowledge some things and then we could agree to not mention them again and could forgive each other. It just causes me a lot of anxiety thinking of how I made this new life for myself and have healed a lot, and she is coming out here. I wish I knew what to say. She will leave and then we will not see each other probably for another year. Or worse if something were to happen and she was gone. I feel like we never have really known each other in ways other than secrets that we don't say.

[Rose76]

You've been through a pretty rough ordeal. I would suggest that you not get your hopes up too high about what kind of a close relationship you could have with her.

I think it is great that you are not living with her at this time. I think you would do well to keep it that way, if you possibly can. I'm a lot less hopeful than yumi, above. Your well-being has never been at the top of your mother's agenda. It should be at the top of yours. Sounds like you are very forgiving and on the road to healing from your rough past. I would be a lot less hopeful about your mother's healing. Your main responsibility is to be pleasant and courteous to you mother when she visits. Don't become willing to be her therapist. That is not an appropriate role for you, and it will do neither of you much good.

Your mother is probably a pretty damaged person. You seem to have a lot of compassion for her which says something nice about you. Still, your main responsibility is to take good care of yourself, since it seems you have no one else to do that.

[JadeAmethyst]

Good luck and good for you and your Mom making connections again. I have done the same with my own daughter, and we are re-learning, and re-creating a different relationship. We cannot make up for lost time or past issues, but we can move into the presence and present when we allow it. It doesn't mean the old stuff isn't gone, but we can simply understand and continue with healing. Let the beauty of any relationship unfold for you both.
Jade