Treated my girl poorly; want to make it right

Hi all,

Thanks in advance for any and all advice you can offer.

I've been seeing a girl for 6 months. Aside from what is going on now, we've had one falling out. I was moody at dinner, effectively wasting her time, and causing her to cry and ask for space. I complied and we ended up having a stronger relationship, after admitting my wrongs and showing her how I would change (which I did).

More recently, I was out drinking with an old, old friend. She met up with us. I was loud, obnoxious, rude, and just unpleasant to her. In my stupor, I could sense her extreme dissatisfaction. I left her alone and continued to have fun with my friend, who was only in town for a short time.

The next day I thanked her for meeting with us, and said I felt like such a fool for being such an idiot. She simple replied that she was not pleased with how the day went, and stated she would call me. I sobered up, ran errands, and picked her up something nice. She's very busy, independent, intelligent, and has an insane work ethic: unfortunately leaving her stressed. I bought her something to help her relax, left it with a note saying I hope her week would go well, and left it in her mail box.

She didn't call like she had said she would, but sent me a nice text thanking me for the gift. She said it was thoughtful, that her day had been hellacious, and she was drained. I simply told her I was happy she liked the gift and wished her a good night's sleep.

She's still not reached out to me. I don't blame her for her disappointment in me. I took a kind gesture by her and made it something bad, compounding stress that already exists in her life. I want to see her, if only for a few minutes, to give her a genuine apology and offer her all the time/space she needs.

In the past when I've blundered, I've offered her space to recalibrate. It's worked, but the dead silence isn't troubling.

Other facets of our relationship: we're sexual, but it's inconsistent. She's often not in the mood, and I obviously don't push her. We've met each others' families, but not yet very close. We are both young professionals with right futures and both pretty strong personalities.

I do like this girl. I wish I had someone to advise me. I'll give her some more time, but wonder if I shouldn't assert myself more.

Thanks for reading this long, long story. Thanks for advice in advance.

You're kind of vague in your description of the "wrongs" you done to your gf. I'm not sure how to respond, to what level this offense or past offenses were so i have a hard time really making any specific judgements related to you or her behavior.

the first question I have is when you said "I was moody at dinner, effectively wasting her time, and causing her to cry and ask for space. I complied and we ended up having a stronger relationship, after admitting my wrongs and showing her how I would change (which I did)."

First moodiness is kind of an ambigous thing, what did you do to make her cry? you say you "complied" makes me wonder what exactly did you have to comply to? Sounds like a lot more detail could be put in here. If you want help it would probably help for people here to know exactly what happened.

It concerns me when people say "I was asked to change, and I did." makes me think that one believes they've done their part and they are free of responsibility. What needed to change, how did you change? Considering your subsequent writing, are you sure you've actually changed or did you just appease her at the time?

A couple of questions here "More recently, I was out drinking with an old, old friend. She met up with us. I was loud, obnoxious, rude, and just unpleasant to her." Ok so what did you say and do to make her leave, and why would you choose to continue with your friend instead of going after the one that should take priority over all others? Seriously? no wonder she's offended. You continuing to have fun with your friend because "they were only in town a short time" over the feelings of your gf, kind of is a brush off or even a slap in her face. Screams "yeah I'm sorry you're upset but I'm going to have fun anyway in spite of you." So yeah that's a huge mistake.

Advice: When a gf/bf is upset due to your actions related to other people, take the time to deal with what you did wrong right then, right there. Other friends should never take priority over that if you want a serious relationship with anyone.

"I sobered up, ran errands, and picked her up something nice." A gift in response to effing up is never sufficient. It is meaningless for the most part becuase it's an attempt to soften the other person and divert attention from the offense we've committed. I'm not sure, I'm not a woman but I would think in some cases this might be off-putting for some women.

"I took a kind gesture by her and made it something bad, compounding stress that already exists in her life." Can you elaborate? I can't seem to see what this refers to in the rest of your post. Is this related to the night with your friend? Is it something that she did subsequently? What exactly did she do and how did you really make it something bad?

"we're sexual, but it's inconsistent. She's often not in the mood, and I obviously don't push her." I'll be quite honest with you, sex is something that should be shared and when someone says what you did here it sounds almost as though you are making provision for her sexually by "not pushing her" Pushing someone into sex is clearly not an option or consideration so I'm not sure why you have to assert that you didn't push her. Really if your relationship is good, your sex life will be better in that if she doesn't like it often you'd accept it or she would naturally want to be sexual with you more. by your having to mention the sex portion of your relationship tells me that you dn't like where you are sexually with her. Make the rest of your relationship right and sex will be natural.

"I'll give her some more time, but wonder if I shouldn't assert myself more." at "I'll give her some more time..." stop there. That's all you can do. if you've been genuinely apologetic about it, then when she is ready and willing she will come back to the relationship. Assertiveness on your part is not at all the problem here. There is nothing you need to assert yourself in. You were wrong, you know it. Let her decide if you're worth forgiving or not

Again this is all general based on relatively vague descriptions of what has happened.

I think you should just wait, but in the meantime play the field.

My offense was going to dinner with her and being basically disinterested and aloof. I had met up with her, she was in a good mood despite a busy day and was interested in unwinding with me. I showed her little attention, didn't order food even though she did, and gave little eye contact. I was certainly a bore.

I genuinely have got better: not just being more attentive at dinner or some event where anything less is just plain rude, I've learned to be attentive when we're just at one of our places. When she's stressed, I turn off all distractions and focus on her. I allow her to talk. She ends up kissing me and telling me how sweet I am. I can't believe I didn't understand how powerful this was earlier.

I can't justify how I acted with my friend. It was inexcusable. It was a total anomaly, and I'm disgusted she got pulled into it. I didn't attack her personally but I acted like some 16 year old punk: being a jerk to people, yelling in a public place, looking at my phone, overall toxic albeit never to her personally. I haven't been that guy in years. Something came over me fraternizing with my best friend I hadn't seen 2 years. Again, this just isn't excusable though.

The gift wasn't meant to be in replace of an apology, which she deserves; it was meant to be something small to help her relax as I knew I deserve to be absent from her life for a couple days. I'm still waiting to give the apology in person.

I just want to apologize and tell her she can have as much time to decide as she sees fit, if ever.

Thanks for your response.

Playing the field is a terrible idea.

I agree that playing the field is wrong. I feel like that would be me being resentful and frankly I'm not interested in other women.

I called her tonight and she allowed me to pick her up from work (she hates riding the bus). She says she's hungry and stressed (so stressed she almost cried at work). I decide to swing by a nice restaurant on the way and get her quality food and a drink. It goes well and I apologize at the right time. I can tell she's not ready to full accept it, although she says she does, and she says let's talk about it later.

We continue to talk: I listen and talk about 15% of the time. She even asks me to talk but I simply say something short and allow her to vent more. The dinner goes well but I can tell she's ready to go so I get us out ASAP.

The ride home she is just so incredibly irritable. Anything I say is apparently jarring. I go from feeling like I was making ground to feeling like I had made a massive mistake.

Long story short, she is acting really offput by the time we're at her place. I say I'm there when she needs me and she is slow to leave my car. She says she'll call me this weekend and says thanks, even though I can tell she doesn't fully mean it.

I meant well, but I think she's just not ready for me in her life. Her work life is too overwhelming and she's not comfortable with me being part of the solution, which I accept.

How do I handle this stressed woman? Is time and space the only thing that can heal here?

Why would he want to do that? he obviously loves this girl. That's not something you do to mend a relationship you want to keep.

Seems like something is going on and maybe you haven't figured it out, that is grating on her nerves? Some way you say things or your mannerisms or? I don't know but it sounds like something is bugging her.

Did you invite her to meet up with you and your old friend? Did she invite herself or just happen to run into you?

Did you ever end up talking about it later? The apology? Maybe she's uncertain, if you aren't opening up to her, more? A little vulnerability can go a long way, I'd hope?

Sure, work is stressful to her, but it seems there's more beneath the surface of it all. Almost crying at work, sounds like she's riding some personal roller coaster, at the moment.

Maybe, by opening yourself up, she can open up more than just work related stuff? I am not sure, I can't get a good read on this....

Thanks all. I had an epiphany reading your replies.

She wanted to meet my friend. I talked him up because he really is my best bud, for like 15 years. He's a "cool" dude, almost too cool, a trait me and most of my close friends have. She was always troubled by me being "aloof" early in our relationship, so I opened myself up which was very fulfilling. I'm inexperienced at relationships and never had a mom around as a kid; I'm distant for a long time with girls, always have been. I don't act this way to act like James Dean, I just don't know what's right usually, so I do nothing. She is the first one I opened up to and started to love.

Anyways, she did make one remark: "your friend was not what you said he was. He reminds me of your other friends. It's the company you keep, and who I'm afraid you really are. You two excluded me from conversations, like I wasn't there" I instilled doubt in her; I made her question who I was. I told her it was a function of me fraternizing with my old friend mixed with booze, but that it was still inexcusable and is absolutely not who I am. I'm a guy in his mid-20's coming to grips with a fleeting adolescence -- pathetic, I know.

She half-accepted the apology, and I replied that she could wait to decide if she wanted to accept, and she said she appreciated it and we could talk about it later and focus on dinner.

I vacated her life after effing up and she was still almost in tears at work. She's dissatisfied and overworked. I want to be the solution, but my vagary gave her one more thing to worried about. I don't think she trusts that I can be a rock in her life right now, although I have been so many times in the past. This is my 2nd screw up in a 6 month relationship.

I'm gonna let her cool. The ball is in her court and the last thing she needs is my pinging her. Maybe there's another dude, but I doubt it. For now I will focus on my own life and be ready to be a better man if and when she returns. I just regret that I couldn't have worked these relationship kinks out at a younger age.

She is in taxes, so she's gonna be working 7 day weeks nonstop for a month. If and when she finds some time, I'll be sure to make it worth hers and let her know I can change as a man.

One last thing: she did say she doesn't know how to handle stress and thinks she has a problem. This isn't the first time she's shut down. She'll force herself to be early to work even though it's unnecessary and causes her much grief. If she doesn't work out twice a day, she feels worthless. She sets a high bar, a very high bar. She used to tell me that I made more leisure and she loved it, but then she would relapse hard. I never meant to change her. Frankly, I'm better at work now because I liked her work ethic.

I've always been the type to be transparent and aggressive early in pursuing a girl -- say what I want, do what I want, act indifferent -- because I have been. Now I finally like a girl and don't know how to shake it.

Btw, typing this out has been medicinal, and I appreciate all input.

To answer questions:
I apologized, she half accepted, so I just asked her to decide if she accepted later. She said we'll continue the conversation later. This is while at dinner with a drink and food soon to be served.

I do have mannerisms that piss her off. Since day one: I act aloof and disinterested, even though I am. I just don't know how to be natural and all the way open. It's a problem I've always had. I don't do it to "be cool", it's just more to reserve myself and remain invulnerable.

She asked to meet my friend mostly, but it was mutual I guess. This brings up an interestting point: she said last night "your friend wasn't what I expected; I wasn't impressed. He just acted all cool and you two didn't include me in conversations. It was just like when I first met you and your friends. You all act too cool and distant." I guess it's a thing I do and I gravitate to guys who do it too.

This girl is a no BS type girl, and she drops my *** when I get like that. I've made strides, but in a drunken, fraternizing stupor I slipped up. She is very busy/stressed and I was her only recreational time that week and that's what she was exposed to.

I effed up. Shes not ready to forgive. She is very busy with work and I'm unnecessary stress right now. She needs to build other relationships with friends and family. I just hope I didn't open the door for some other guy to get in. I'll just have to live with it, I guess.

She does get emotional, even when we're in good standings. Her dog died a few months back and she went no contact for like 2-3 days. I thought she hated me or lost interest, but she was just busy with family and mourning. She forces herself to have highstandards: work out twice a day, work 15 hour days 7 days a week, seek approval of superiors, etc. She acknowledges it but doesn't know how to stop. When I offer suggestions she gets very pissed and cuts me off. I want to be her source of stress release, and have made strides but she relapses.

I'm very leisurely and she liked how she felt when she relaxed, but then she gets anxious after a while. Conversely, I get more proactive when I'm with her, and I've grown as a result of her presence.

In my opinion.....a brilliant, well thought out reply.

Based on what you've said, I get the impression she isn't interested in you any more. You seem to be the one doing all the pursuing. You messed it up and it looks like it's over. Despite me saying you messed up, you did apologise, you bought her a gift and you've made an effort to patch things over. You've done all you can do and if she does dump you over this ( being rude when drunk, being a bit aloof), then I think there's more going on with her because it seems like an excuse.

This sounds like a lot of push/pull from her. When you mentioned that she needs to spend more time building up relationships with friends and family, is this something she said, or your observation and wish for her?

Granted, you noted that you come across, as distant and aloof, many of your statements imply that she pulls a disappearing act? As though, she's afraid to get close?

6 months, is quite an amount of investment, in a relationship. Do you, normally communicate, on a daily basis?

Possibly. Lots of push/pull in this relationship. Earlier on, I was the one doing all the pulling. At a minimum, she's clearly questioning whether or not to continue this. I think all I can do is wait.

Also, I haven't over-pursued. I was more interested in apologizing to someone I disrespected.

Very possible something else is going on. Time will tell. I'm sure if we overcome this, we'll be stronger than ever. If we don't overcome it, I will have learned a valuable lesson.

I don't doubt she's lost interest, it's just a matter of how much. This happened before and her interested bounced back stronger than ever afterwards. I left her alone for a while to sort herself out and treated her like we were back to square 1, a new couple.

Expect the worst, hope for the best. Ball is in her court.

This is the second time she's disappeared. And only after I was a d*ck to her. Is it an excuse? Maybe. Maybe, she really wants to decide what she wants.

She says stuff like "me and ____ (best friend) haven't seen eachother in 14 days. We've been counting. I'm dying to see her." (in a pleasant tone). She talks about how she feels bad she has dismissed certain friends due to lack of time: I basically consumed all her free time.

I'm her 2nd boyfriend ever. Her first relationship was 5 years. She says she's never liked anyone else as much as me since him.

If she is afraid to get close, it's because we reach critical points in a relationship (exclusiveness, meeting parents, etc.) and it's obviously a big commitment to dive in. She "over thinks" a lot, as she self-describes and I've observed.

She needs me to let her breathe, I think. I've got to be a challenge again. It's just hard when you really like the comfort, even if it causes you to be complacent. I need to learn to stay away from complacency.

Also: as for talking everyday, we usually do. Not EVERY single day. When I know she's at home with family or she knows I have to prep for a meeting, we stay out of eachother's hair.

Some days we just call eachother at the end of the night for a 15 min recap. Sometimes we email throughout the day and share news stories and such.

Right now we're obviously not staying in touch. I will not be the one to initiate either. Each day gets a bit easier, and I'm ready to walk away if I have to. Nothing more I can do.

You actually sound like you're a genuine person and have good intentions with her. I don't know whether it's the way you're phrasing it but it kind of sounds like she's got some highly strung personality and it's almost impossible to deal with. I can relate to her because I am pretty much on edge all the time due to commitments as well, and I would take it out on other people close too, but I would afterwards be aware I was doing that, and I would usually apologise for the way I was acting.

While I definitely can understand why she would get upset if you were aloof and disinterested when meeting with her, it seems like she has serious issues, and feels like she is being victimised.. I can also see how she would be upset if she met up with your friend and then you acted in a way she was displeased with, but she seems to have taken it as a personal attack directly at her?

I can only really come up with 2 ideas, and one is that she is really interested in you but feels like you don't show enough interest (with your aloofness) or your actions aren't acceptable, so the pulling away is kind of like a method to try and get you to show more interest/beg/apologise for what you did; it is a little manipulative but it does make you think and run back towards her (alternatively it could make you walk away completely). The other possibility is that she isn't particularly interested in you, which is why the moment you do something slightly wrong (even if it is not a personal attack on her), she finds it easy to 'punish' you by pulling away and acting hurt; perhaps each time you 'screw up' she questions whether you are right for each other. Then again, perhaps this is just her detached style to disappear for days at a time, and she is the one being aloof..

Again I'm not saying she's totally in the wrong, because I can see how some of your actions may make her feel unhappy and a bit rejected, but from what I can tell her reactions seem to be a bit extreme for the circumstances? Just my opinion though I may have misread/misinterpreted. I think if you really truly care about her then you should try to fully understand how busy and stressed she must be from work, accept that her feelings of hurt are probably genuine, and try to be her rock for whenever she needs it. But also be prepared to walk away if it seems like no matter what you do, you will be blamed anyway.

Very thoughtful response. I appreciate it.

Her personality is high-strung, plain and simple, but up until now it hasn't been impossible to deal with. My response has always been to try to be there for her, and I occasionally mess up by trying to "fix" her problems or by not being attentive enough, while other times I do a good job listening, and sometimes she just simply goes radio silent and I know she needs her space. The first time we fell apart, she actually had to ask for space directly. Now, I can sense it ahead of time and give it without asking.

Again, I hate to make excuses, but she's in a line of work that requires working 7am-9pm 7 days a week right now. I know her and she's going to work-out classes 1-2 times a day. She never dismisses responsibility.

Sounds like you're quite a bit like her, based on what you wrote. She is very much on edge and over-committed. She'll snap at me for nothing and when I let it bounce off me, she usually apologizes 10 seconds later and/or says "god, I'm so irritable/stressed out. I shouldn't take it out on you." I usually try to console her with "it's fine.", but maybe I should say "it's not okay, I'm trying to help you here". I don't say it's cool to bend backwards for her, but because I want to remain calm and hopefully have it relax her, and frankly I don't get totally flipped upside down just over her being moody. Something as simple as not finding her wallet in her purse immediately sends her into a super anxious, angry fit. Should I be telling her it's not OK, or should I be trying to remain calm with her?

I don't think she felt like I personally attacked her. I think I acted like a type of guy she would never be interested in. Further, my "best friend" was someone she could never be interested in. In my opinion, she sees lack of congruence in my personality albeit momentarily.

Addressing the two ideas you mentioned. She doesn't want me to beg. I begged for forgiveness after our first falling out and it pushed her far away. It was at that time that I totally removed myself and walked away. After a week she was pursuing me again. I treated her like we were on our first date and we rekindled. It's probably more #2: she's wondering if we're right for each other. In fact, after my first "screw up", when she came back, she even explicitly said she consulted her friends who said I was "right for her". Idk if they're still in my corner.

I appreciate your last mark, in bold. I understand everything she has going on, and it's not something I can't fix for her. What she needs from a guy right now is casual and light-hearted relationship. I sort of wish I didn't apologize two nights ago at dinner, because I feel like she wasn't in the mood to visit that, although my intentions were good obviously. As you suggest, I'm going to leave her alone. I'm going to be prepared to walk away. In fact, I feel like I'm already started to leave. Each day is a bit easier. I spend my time advancing my career, working on hobbies, hanging with friends, lifting -- it keeps my mind off her. It's just in the mornings when I realize another day has passed without her reaching out that my heart feels heavy.