[Fireflies]

Hi everyone.

I just met someone online and had a very nice chat with him a couple of times. I really like him a lot. He told me that his father was a raging alcoholic and his mother finally divorced the father when he was 10. Because I just had a horrendous 7 years with someone who was abused as a child and developed borderline personality disorder, a red flag went up when this new guy told me about his early childhood situation.

He seems like the nicest guy in the world. Is this something that I should be concerned about? What, if anything, should I be aware of?

Sorry if this question doesn't belong here but I didn't know where else to turn. Thanks for any advice in advance.

I think it's such a highly individual situation. So many factors come into play, like how long he was under his father's influence, did he have other positive influences in his life, etc. It's my unprofessional opinion that the less time you've lived with a toxic parent, the better your chances of not being scarred by them. Then again, lots of people are able to overcome abusive situations and lead relatively normal lives.

Just be cautious and take the time to get to know him in person. Has he had other long-term relationships? Does he drink excessively or use drugs? Those are a few things I would pay attention to.

Just my 2 cents....Not everybody who has an alcoholic parent, carries scars or becomes an alcoholic themselves. Case in point my cousins who witnessed abuse, survived abuse, been shuffled from relatives to relatives, both grew into wonderful, caring parents with marriages going on 30 years.
I have come to believe, lately, that we are destined to either repeat behaviors, or completely deny them access to our lives. Who he is, is for you to discover.

Considering your own history, know that you will probably be hyper aware of every one of this man's actions. Is that a good thing for you or a bad thing?

[Altered Moment]

I think alot depends on your history as well. I have this theory that for some unknown law of the universe we end up with people who are basically at the same level of growth that we are. I am an ACOA and a recovering alcoholic. I have spent many years in AA and Alanon. I have been amazed at how many people get together with eachother where one is an alcoholic and one is not an alcoholic but came from an alcoholic home. I have just seen it over and over again. There is some mysterious force at work that brings people together and they don't have a clue going in.

There is a theory in psychology that we are trying to recreate the past and heal it. I don't know if I buy it. But I do believe that two willing and aware people can heal those wounds together.