[mulan]

Today is father's day. And I like my father very much. He was perhaps the only person (adult) in my childhood that hughed me, played with me, told me his stories, talked to me about his life, about his vision of the world and called me sweet names.
He was my childhood idol, everything he did I had to do, I wanted to be like him, and I am a woman. In my pre-teenager years, maybe after ten years old. I started to think men were much better than women, in everything, even socially they were more friendly with each other. So I went through a phase when I wanted boys to saw me like one of them (I run fast, I could climb trees...). Not a phase that makes myself particulary proud.
In the other end there was my mother, cold, imposing everything she wanted, not giving me any space of choice...everytime I talk to her about my feelings she never undersdood them, very cold. Didn't talk to me very much, almost never kissed me, hughed me and so on...
Everytime some behaviour or words told by my mother were upsetting me, I would go to my father and he would give me support.

But I keep telling myself that I shouldn't like my father or admire him so much, because he also hurt my feelings baddly... My mother was annoying and unsupportive, he was mean. He acted on anger, and I know this.
But he is still the only person who can respond properly to my emotions and give me love (kisses and hughs and nice words and speeches). My sister don't like him... I know I focus to much on the good things, because he messed me up very much.

When I can't sleep well and I don't feel good I tend to speak during the sleep. Most of the times I yeall at my mother, she can get into my nerves. My sister (who reports my sleeping talk) says I am pretty cynical and ruthless when I have this kind of dreams. In my day life I don't do this and I try to do things and talk to my mother in ways that make her calm down, I'm not mean to her. Because she does lot of things for me (besides than nurture) and she really cares about me and I try to see her side, and I understand very well why she is like she is...

I just can't get this hate-love feelings out of me. And I wanted to be more impartial.