Ever see that happen? I'm thinking of such things as:

I am a person with physical disabilities (mobility and visual) as well as psychiatric. I have a tendency sometimes to be sensitive to people being overly quick to jump in and help me with something I'm perfectly capable of doing for myself, because too many times, it's involved a subtle undercurrent of, "I don't trust that you're competent enough to do this." I just hate it when people grab something out of my hands to do it themselves because I'm too slow for their liking, or when they don't give me a chance to learn from some minor mistake before deciding, "Give me that. You don't know how to do it right."

It also extends to mental competence. For example, many a counselor or social worker has given me information and then immediately offered, "Here, let me write that down for you, so you don't forget." Message, not only am I incapable of remembering what they told me, but if I need it in writing, I don't even have the ability to write it down myself! It's even worse if the information they've just given me came out in short sentences and one-syllable words, with a fake smile and a high pitched voice, as if they were speaking to a four-year-old. My diagnoses are depression/anxiety, PTSD, and AvPD. I am not mentally challenged.

But if I protest this kind of condescension, what's been very likely to happen is this. The next time I'm in over my head, doing something no one human being can do alone, and I *ask* for help, I'll get the sarcastic answer, "But I thought you were perfectly competent on your own and didn't need help."

Not just my own life; I also saw this come into play in an old Brady Bunch episode. Jan was in crisis because the house was too crowded for her, too many brothers and sisters running around, and she complained of never having a minute to herself. Her family responded by going completely to the other extreme, leaving the room every time she entered it, and refusing to interact with her at all, until she "came to her senses" and realized it was great to have such a big family. I think they were being jerks, because all they would have had to do was give her a little privacy now and then. Instead, it was all-or-nothing.

Is this a technique, to keep Polly in her cage where she belongs, so the other birds can feel important by doing her flying for her?

[sabby]

I'm so sorry you are going through these kinds of things. How frustrating it must be for you at times and I "grrrrr" with you!

I was a support provider for an individual with physical disabilities along with some mental illness and low IQ. One of the things I learned over the years to help him (and others I worked with) was to "ASK" them if they needed help with something. I tried very hard not to assume they couldn't do something first, but wanted to empower them to at the very least try to do it. If, after trying, they needed assistance, I was there to help. Patience was a huge factor as well. One needs to give another time to accomplish what they are doing.

Maybe you can talk to those who automatically assume incorrectly and let them know that asking first before grabbing things from you or writing something down for you that they should first ask if you need assistance. It's very possible that some of the folks really are trying to be helpful and not understanding that what they are doing is more hurtful than helpful.

It is a struggle, I do understand. I also believe that what they are doing says more about them than it does about you. They may be impatient, in a hurry, uneducated, perfectionists, etc.

I empower you ...................... to take a stand for yourself and speak up! They don't know how you feel if you don't voice it to them.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Lovebird, I'd say sabby "hit the nail on the head" there and.....they may be trying to help with the best of intentions, they may not even be thinking at times that you can't do things they may just be wanting to "save you the effort" in doing them, but you have got to talk to them (seriously) about it.
Maybe emphasis to them how important your independence is to you, how much you value being able to do x,y or z even if it might take you time to do those things, even if it might be hard for you at times.......just to be able to do them.
And, yes, let them know how they're making you feel by taking these things away from you.....powerless, frustrated, patronized, disrespected (?). Then make a plan with them as to how they can help you without overstepping the mark e.g. agree that you can do x,y and z and that they will give you some space to do those things, agree that you will ask for help if you need it, agree the specific things you do want them to do (and not do), agree with them that when you say "No" to help with....you mean "No", agree with them that when you say you are going to do x you are going to do x..........etc.
And you know while you're at it you can maybe think of some ways you'd like them to help you in improving your independence, things that you might want to work on being more independent at. Maybe there are ways they could help you in doing that, steps they can support you with??
So no-one knows you like you, just make absolutely sure that they are seeing you/hearing you too!!
Best wishes
Alison

The thing that concerns me most is, if I do speak up and tell them I don't want or need to be overhelped, the reaction is going to be the other extreme. Then I'll get into a situation where I do need the help and ask for it, and they'll throw "But I thought you didn't need any help" in my face. That's the "technique" I'm talking about, because it's designed to convince me to accept the hovering or else I don't ever get any help at all. Just like in the Brady Bunch episode, when Jan wanted a little time to herself, her family went the whole other direction and refused to interact with her at all, to teach her not to complain about not having privacy.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Lovebird, you're not going to be telling them that you don't want help period anyway are you? You're just going to tell them that you don't need them to help you with certain things and having them understand your abilities a bit better. You're not going to be saying they don't matter, that they aren't important, you're just going to be saying that so is having your independence.
And it's got to be reasonable for them to respect that you still want to be as independent as you can be/that you're still your own person.
If you want to start of the conversation with how much you appreciate that they are helping you and that their help has been/is invaluable in certain areas (name a few?) then maybe you could do that. And then maybe let them know at times when things are real helpful to you (alhough maybe you already are anyway?) ?
Alison