[tryinghard973]

I don't know where to begin. I've hurt my mother so much that I really don't ever think I can make her love me again. I'm 36, I am an addict in recovery, but the biggest thing I regret in life is what I put my mom through. She was always there for me. I was really bad in school, ADHD, just a very difficult child. When I was an addict she researched it as much as she could. I never showed her love back. We fight constantly. I've been hospitalized 5 times due to paranoia.

See she thinks its from the drugs, but I don't see other drug addicts go into delusions. My father drinks every night and he's not delusional. Now that I look back I think I was different. Or maybe its just me regretting my past and doing nothing and now realizing it at 36. Its such a bad situation. I'm so paranoid around my parents, I think they hate me. They don't understand what I am going through. Its like I'm confused about what family is all about. I always needed attention in school, I would do **** to make people laugh. I always wanted to be the wild one. I never cared about my future.

I was taken to a neurologist when I was in high school and diagnosed ADHD. But I think it grew into bi polar or a paranoid disorder. I need her to understand this and she can't see past the drug use. I was a their, stole from her, sold her jewelry, called her the c word. What the **** is wrong with me? All I want is my mother back, why did I do this to her? I feel horrible that she's almost 70 and I can't talk about normal things with her. Its all scenerios about people being after me. It makes me feel like I want attention but I'm not that sick of a person to fake this. I mean the hospitals, she says I'm spoiled, which I was but sometimes I think she thinks I'm doing this for attention. Why can't my mother accept that I might have a diagnoses. Its like the boy who cried wolf.

My mother is a beautiful person but 2 hours ago we were fighting. My father is an alcoholic too so she's been around it her whole life. My uncle was just diagnosed with also which is horrible. He can't move. Sits in a chair all day and she makes it seem like I'm mad she's doing that and that's not the case. I'm all alone fighting this, I'm grateful to even still be living here. I've said I'm sorry so many times and I ended up blowing it every time. I really am trying, and I see how when her sisters husband died she too care of her. She takes care of my uncle which is very hard. Why do I feel like I'm all alone. My fathers told me to kill myself before many times. Sometimes I feel like she couldnt live with my father and me anymore. Same thinks I wanna manipulate the family into turmoil. What to I do? What's wrong with me?

Thing is, as a mom myself, I know that no matter what, she loves you, you are her child. But from what you've described she's probably at her wit's ends with so many people in your family needing her care. If you haven't already seen a dr and gotten evaluated, then that should be your first thing. Then you can possibly get on medication that would help alleviate the paranoia. At which point you can possibly discuss your diagnosis with her. Or even bring her to the dr with you and let the dr do the talking.

It sounds like you have been through a lot and I admire you for your efforts to get things straightened out. It may take a lot of work on your part but I think you will find it worth it. (((Many)))

[tryinghard973]

I never showed her love. She is at her wits end, but its like I'm afraid to even have a cell phone sometimes. Like I just bought a memory card and all the sudden found a brand new one today in my house. I mean I have a garbage old friend who I really don't trust. He was in construction, I don't have an alarm in my house plus he has a hacker friend who's good with computers. He even helped me change the locks on my fathers buissness. Wow im really a piece of garbage. He's broke, and would def try to take advantage of me. Sometimes I think I'm right and it will be like the boy who cried wolf. I wanna call her up about this situation but she's just tired of it. But I know my mother has a drug addict for a son and I know she knows deep inside I care and I have guilt.

How can I show her love when I struggle so bad with depression and paranoia. I feel like I always need an aliby, its ridiculous. I wouldn't write down anything for 5 years. But I'll leave it in gods hands. I need to work with kids and teach them that drugs has such effects on the brain. I can't let go of my past.