[hvert]

I don't even really know where this goes. I'm just venting

I've been working on the concept of 'boundaries' for a few months. For a variety of reasons, I don't appear to have many and it's had a bad effect on my life. I finally figured out last year that a lot of my problems stem from a) not having good boundaries in the first place and b) letting interpersonal issues build up until things are so bad there's no fixing the situation.

I'm trying to do a better job of enforcing boundaries, but it is such a struggle. I hope it gets easier. I've started volunteering with an organization that seems to have some scope creep issues. I volunteered a few months ago to do something without fully understanding what was involved. I gave it my best shot and decided I wouldn't volunteer for that task again.

They asked me to try again and I said no with a brief explanation why ... and now a different person in the organization asked me, even though they knew I had already said no!

I said no again, but the amount of energy it takes me to say "No" and the anxiety I feel around it are really frustrating.

[hvert]

I found out that the second person who asked *didn't* know I had already said no. She apologized... and asked me to do something else I don't want to do.

I'm really not sure what to do about this situation. It's an animal rescue organization so have a lot of guilt around saying no.

They said that they were desperate for people to trap animals, so I said I would be interested in learning. It turns out that trapping animals is way more than I want to do. It involves setting up a trap early in the morning and checking it every two hours.

On top of that, the organization's efforts are not limited to my town, as I had assumed. Most of the rescues are being done in towns 30 minutes away from me. That means an hours drive every two hours to check a trap! I can see why they are desperate for volunteers.

The other problem I have found is that if I agree to do one thing, suddenly it morphs into something else. The time changes, the assignment gets bigger or more complicated. It's the nature of the work, but, again, I didn't realize it worked this way when I signed up. In hindsight, I should have.

So I have this email I haven't replied to yet asking me if I will help trap animals in a town 30 minutes away (with no traffic). I want to say no, but I feel like I can't because I just said 'no' to something else they wanted me to do (in my own town).

My boyfriend asked me why I signed up to volunteer to do this stuff at all if I don't want to do it, and I guess that's a good question. I really did not know what was involved. It is good work and important work, but I just don't want to do it.

I think your last two sentences firmly sum up the situation - although I thoroughly read your entire post, of course. The organization is asking a lot from its volunteers, IMO.

Perhaps let the organization know that while you appreciate their cause - the volunteer services they need are not a good fit for you. Or, if there are volunteer duties there that are acceptable - perhaps trying reiterating one more time what you are wiling to do and NOT do.

Boundaries are tough! I'm working on them, too. It's hard to say no but its OK and it's not selfish. xoxo

[healingme4me]

Perhaps give a good thought to what you would like to offer and like to gain. Then express, it to them. As in, this is what I can offer, if/when you have anything like that available, let me know. And leave it, at that.

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[hvert]

Thank you both! I drive myself mad with this stuff. It feels like it is much easier for me to recognize when someone else's boundaries are being encroached upon than it is to honor my own preferences without feeling guilty.

[anneo59]

Originally Posted by hvert

Thank you both! I drive myself mad with this stuff. It feels like it is much easier for me to recognize when someone else's boundaries are being encroached upon than it is to honor my own preferences without feeling guilty.

You got some great advice here, hvert! Have been thru this myself, and found technices suggested by rainyday and healing4me to be very helpful. The best!