[LaColibri]

My story is a very long one. For now I'll share the most relevant background information.

Background: A little over two years ago my husband allowed his brother to move in with us for what I thought was a temporary situation to help his family through a crisis. At the time my Brother in Law and his girlfriend had two young children. A year prior they sold a house she inherited and made a profit of $130,000 USD. After living an extravagant lifestyle and failed attempts at 3 businesses, less than a year later they were broke. My husband bailed them out by helping him lease a taxi, but he didn't work enough to make ends meet and came asking my husband for more money. A few months later he crashed his taxi and since he didn't have insurance, he was in big trouble.

I let him live with us since I thought it was a temporary solution, as he kept saying he wanted to move back with his family. He had a job lined up right away, but he lost it about 6 weeks later. I quickly realized the situation wasn't going to work out, but I remained patient and selfless for my nieces' best interest. My optimism diminished after I realized he has some serious mental health issues and he seemed more interested in a finding a new girlfriend rather than a new job. He lived with us expense free for over a year, but still couldn't get it together. A few months later I tried unsuccessfully to explain that this is not a permanent solution and I wanted to give a mutually agreeable timeline for him to move out. He responded with threats and insults. A few months later I got fed up and gave him 1 months notice, but it took 2 months to move out.

After individual therapy and marital counseling, my husband realizes his brother crossed the line too many times. It was a difficult moment in our marriage and thankfully we're in a better place. My husband respects and understands that I need strong boundaries with my brother in law; I now have enough distance where I don't feel like I'm at my wit's end when my husband wants to spend time with his brother.

So, it's been a year since he moved out. Shortly after he moved it we found out his new girlfriend was pregnant. I've only seen him a few times since he moved out and I don't have any interest in seeing him.

Here's the tricky part...

His son was born two months ago; he's almost forgotten about his two daughters back home in spite of claims saying he still cares about them. We gave them a gift card. Shortly afterwards we found out we're expecting our first child. Last week his new wife (they got married shortly before their child was born) send us a thank you card and a card congratulating us. The new baby momma expressed a desire to meet. It was a thoughtful gesture. The issue is... she thinks I have a different name. I'm not blaming her, as I've caught my brother in law in many lies before and I have suspicions he's still leading a double life. What she thinks is my name is very similar to my middle name, but no one uses my middle name. It's very awkward. Now that I'm expecting my first child I'm feeling very protective, and I know this feeling will intensify after my child is born. If I had it my way, my child would have nothing to do with his uncle. My husband is hoping we can make amends, but I think (or hope) he's beginning to realize this wishful thinking. He used to plead with me to forgive him, but I told him setting limits with someone and forgiving them are different things. You can forgive someone AND set boundaries. After a lot of personal work my husband is realizing that boundaries are good! With time I was getting closer to letting go of my grudges, but now that I received two cards with a name that's not even mine is heightening my fears.

So, how do I respond to her with grace? I've never even met her and they live about 40 minutes away, but it's inevitable we will meet one day. From what I know - which is very little by the way - she's being misled. I usually don't offer unsolicited advice, but in this case I think there's a lot she doesn't know about her new baby daddy.

I'm looking for advice on how to set boundaries with someone and how to respond to a new family member who may have a very different picture of her new family.

[hvert]

It sounds like you have the boundaries part pretty well figured out. With regard to the mistaken name, I would just tell this woman that she has your name wrong.

I would not get involved in offering her any sort of warnings -- she'll figure it out soon enough. I would also not go out of my way to meet her or develop a relationship, even if she seems nice. It's just opening a door to your brother in law to re-enter your life. He may be encouraging her to contact you.

[Harmacy]

Honesty is the best policy I think. If you are being dragged into your Brother in law's lies then you have an absolute right to decide to tell the truth and simply say they have your name wrong. It's not your responsibility to carry someone else's dishonesty or feel guilty on their behalf. I wouldn't personally try and warn his new wife unless you believe her to be in physical danger since she'll find out soon enough what he's like and if you tried to get involved, it could backfire and be used against you (expert liars know how to manipulate and create their own believable stories). Stick to the clear objective truth if asked anything directly but no need to get involved further than that.

And you're so right about the difference between setting boundaries and forgiveness. Setting appropriate personal boundaries is your non negotiable right and forgiveness is a choice. I learnt the same thing recently with a very emotionally dishonest and manipulative close relative and am paying a high price but know I've made the right decision in not being guilt tripped and forced into a corner. In fact I came here to post about it but replied to your post instead as you seem to be in a similar place.