why did I talk to an ex

I'm having some difficulties with my marriage at the moment, and I needed to talk to someone as its chewing me up so much, me and my depression cant handle it anymore.

I'm happily married with an amazing, supportive husband. Recently I was at the gym and discovered an ex who i havent spoken to in a long time also works out there. we said a breif hello and that was it. later that night he messaged me on facebook and after some general chit chat, the tone of the conversation turned to our history, and some fun times we had sexually. he expressed some wishes for things he would have liked to have done in the past and i told him he shouldnt have been chicken and shouldve done them.

my husband read this exchange in my facebbok messages and wants an answer as to why i had this conversation. the bit i'm struggling to deal with, and that my husband cant understand, is that i dont know why i did. i love my husband unconditionally, i am not attracted to this ex, nor do i wish our relationship had gone further. i have no desire whatsoever to cheat on my husband at all. but my husband wants answers, and i dont even know what those answers are myself.

please help!

Without putting a ton of thought into my reply... my initial response is to say you and your ex have history. Yes, it's over, but you DO have a shared history. Your husband may be feeling a little threatened by this contact. It appears, though, you didn't hide this exchange from your husband which ought to speak volumes to him about your intentions. Deception'd be a problem. If your husband didn't know about this, then, I'd say you both need to worry.
I dunno... maybe try asking your husband if he has any sexual good times from his past that he'd like to repeat, or any wild desires he wants to experience. And/or... ask yourself the same questions. And, consider which man are you most likely to reveal your answers too..?
I'm not making any judgements, here. Asking... or brainstorming.... in order to provoke my own thinking on the situation, really.

Suggest that you talk to your husband about whatever problems you are currently having with your marriage...as this seems to be a trigger...maybe you will find the answer---sometimes something happens at a time we are vulnerable to letting ourselves fall into personal traps of imagined pleasures...
And, give some thought as to what you post on FB, make sure it is stuff you wouldn't mind anyone seeing...

Sometimes walks down memory lane get out of hand and can threaten to cross certain boundaries.

Atleast that was my experience about 2 weeks ago...

No issue within my relationship, no unresolved feelings for my ex, (as far as I've always been concerned my BF is The One) and as far as I know ex is happily married.
Its just that a kind of familiarity is still substantial between us. And having lost contact (he's living abroad) we never got a chance to establish new appropriate boundaries post break up, even though we wanted to remain friends.

So what I did was create those boundaries by putting the breaks on the chat regarding our sexual history. Told him that if we can't talk about the stuff that may come up in chat infront of our partners, we shouldn't be talking about those things at all.

He agreed, and because we would like to remain friends our convos have gone back to light banter between friends of old.

Maybe your situation was similar...

Idk, I hope my experience may have helped shed some light for you and your hubby.

After people have been married for a while, they tend to stop pursuing each other. It feels nice to be thought about, and in marriage we often feel like just part of the scenery. Make an effort to notice your husband and tell him about fond memories of your own relationship. This should spark reciprocal action on his part and bring back some of the passion for each other that gets neglected in day-to-day living.
I don't think reminding your husband of his previous relationships is such a good idea. Especially not at this point. Men's feelings of self-worth are really tied to their sense of sexual prowess, so opening that door now could lead to a cheating incident on his part.
As far as what to say to him, just tell him that it's nice to be considered and that you feel as though the two of you need to make a better collective effort to make each other feel that way. Apologize for reliving your sexual history with your ex, and maybe adjust your work-out schedule so as not to bump into the ex at the gym anymore.

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Sometimes, the answer to why we do something is simply - "Why not?"

In the absence of seeing something blatantly wrong, we figure - "Why not?" and we follow a course of behavior that seems innocent enough. Down the line, when we get the blow-back, such as you're getting, we come to learn a lesson. It is this: Just because something is not blatantly wrong does not make it a good idea to do. It is simply not a good idea for a married person to be reconnecting with an old ex. To say "hello" to someone like that when we run into them is simple basic courtesy. Anything beyond what basic politeness requires is asking for trouble.

This guy has no business messaging you on Facebook. That was brazen of him. Then again, you didn't discourage him. (You figured - "Why not?") Revisiting the past can seem harmless and even a bit fun. It is fun, but not harmless. It's a bad idea. It led to you flirting with him. I'm sure you didn't think of it as flirting, but it was. Flirting and getting flirted with is fun, no matter how old we are and no matter how many years we are in even the most terrific of marriages. It is just fun. (That is the answer to your husband's question.)

When Mr. Ex brought up the sex stuff, that was the clue that he was messaging you in order to flirt. Deep down inside, you felt flattered . . . and you flirted back. You weren't looking for anything to come of it, but it felt good. What married woman wouldn't be pleased to hear that some old flame still kind of has the hots for her? But it is simply a no-no. It sends the message to the ex that the door is not completely closed on the old relationship. It encourages the ex to come back for more.

This is a little bit off the subject, but I think it is a bad idea for anyone's husband or wife to be looking at one's Facebook messages. No one should be opening your Facebook messages, but you. That's going to be hard to fix at this stage of the game.

Another good rule would be: No talking to ex-beaus via Facebook. If you have those two rules in place, or at least one of them, then this will never happen again.

to put it quite simply, you crossed the line when you engaged your ex in a sexual conversation. the ex was baiting you and you took the bait so to speak.

this lead me to believe your marriage is not a happy as you present.
this situation is a matter of respect, out of respect for your husband..the conversation should have never come to that.

let me ask you this how would you feel if your husband was trading sexually charged messages and discussions with one of his ex's?

would you feel a lil insecure?
would you be upset?
would you be jealous?
would you be ok with that?

this type of behavior can set a dangerous precedent which could ultimately destroy your marriage. by bringing up this subject i'm sure your ex had intentions for you and it wasn't to play scrabble i can assure you that.

not saying that you would cheat( i know nothing of your character so i'm not qualified to judge that) but what if you husband think everything is fair game now because you introduced new rules?

if you wouldn't be ok having this discussion you had on facebook on the phone in front of your husband..you probably shouldn't be doing it.
i don't know if the ex knows if you are married or not..but if he does, he is a snake for going there. if he didn't that may be different. at any route, you know you are married and it would be a good idea to keep away from this guy

i hope this helps