[donica_14]

I am recovering from breaking up with my fiancee. I have been married and divorced twice, so I thought I won't date again until I am in a good place on my own. So I waited a few years. And the first man I dated, I felt attracted to him and that's when I lost all boundaries. We slept together the first week we were dating (definitely not my usual behavior). My bed was uncomfortable so he bought an expensive new mattress for my house. My son needed a car so he bought him one. I would say - no, no, that's too much, you don't need to do that. It's not right. But - I didn't stop him.

Now I know what he saw in me was someone he could "help". Three months in, he proposed to me and bought me the most gorgeous ring ever. I adored him and I was so happy. We decided to sell my house so I could move in with him. I just blithely gave up all that hard work and effort it took to have my own home after knowing him only 3 months, just because we were engaged, and he was so giving, so generous, so supportive of my job, told me I was a good parent - all things I desperately needed I guess - desperate being the key word. Of course I didn't believe I was acting desperate at all. I thought I was setting appropriate limits. He was just so nice and good for me, I didn't want to ruin everything by questioning his motivation.

Once he helped me sell my house, there wasn't much more he could do to fix me, so things got kind of mellow and routine. We never did anything much, just sat and watched tv and snuggled. I think both of us had huge empty holes - both adult children of alcoholics, he is a recovering alcoholic.

But - the rot set in when we had been together a year and I decided to start speaking up about some things that I had let slide. Suddenly I was an ungrateful *****, I didn't appreciate anything, I was manipulating him, I could not be trusted, etc etc. None of this made any sense to me, because I had not changed one thing about myself since he first met me - so where was this coming from?

I found myself apologizing for things I didn't even understand what was wrong. He insisted on keeping most of his life separate from me. I had a few safe things I could do that he approved of, other than that he was not happy and would ignore me for days.

I did a lot of 'helping' too - we took care of his grandsons for several months while his daughter got herself straightened out. A lot of the reason we took them in instead of letting them go to foster care was I told him I would be happy to do it, please let's do it. I thought of myself as being such a good person, but I was trying to fix other people's problems that weren't my business.

I cannot believe how I just let people move right into my life and take over, while I sit there kind of in a holding pattern waiting to see their next action so I know what to do in response. I lose all initiative to do things for myself. I promised myself I wouldn't let that happen - but it did.

[tohelpafriend]

Hi,
Someone else is a night owl tonight! Well, I'm single right now, but after reading your post the red flags I felt were 'manipulation', 'control', and even sociopath. I mention the latter condition because there are so many stories on lovefraud.org about men totally changing their behaviors erratically. When you write, 'that he approved of', it sounds like he wanted to control everything and you existed to make him happy. Manipulation and control right there. I'm just wondering if you have discussed all this with a T yet to sort through what you are going to do. If it was a repeat pattern as you mention at the end, hopefully you can make the corrections necessary, but maybe not with him, idk. If he felt empowered to "fix you", it is something he is maybe repeating from his life models. I hope things get better for you. I'm sorry you lost the house, but if you are working maybe you can get another one and your independence back. If you both still love each other, maybe marriage counseling?

[waitingwishing]

Sending you love and hugs.

[soccerdad]

From personal experience I can tell you that it is never a good idea to let things slide in a relationship or to put on a good face (with obvious exceptions). When issues appear you need to deal with them immediately -even small issues - or else they can turn into big issues. If you deal with them early and they threaten the relationship then its better to know where you stand sooner then later.

I believe that you are 100% correct that he is/was a fixer and needs to be needed but just because that's his personality doesn't mean you need fixing.

Going forward you should always go into a relationship with your own feelings the primary focus. If you aren't happy with the way things are going then how can you give 100%? We need to be selfish in all aspects of our life (love, health, family etc.) because if we aren't we lose a little bit of ourselves and we can't be the best "me" we can be for anyone. Too often we try and please the other person thinking it will get better but too often it doesn't. You can only control your own happiness and if a happy you isn't enough to please the other person then it really isn't going to work for anyone.

[punkybrewster6k]

Omgosh.
So much of what you wrote is my relationship. Over and over.

punky

[yumi]

Im not sure how to copy and paste from this tablet...but I would suggest you to Google and read:

Romeo's Bleeding: when Mr.right turns out to be Mr. Wrong.

Also a good site to explore is heartless-*****es.com. they have really eye-opening articles and stories on there.

Like the poster above, the love fraud site is also good.

I'm sorry this happened to you. It happened to me, too. I will never understand why I got caught up in the hypnotizing mess, but I did.

If you are still with him, I would highly suggest you get out and get out now, before it ends up totally ruining you. However, if you do decide to get out, make the plans secretly. Do not tip your hand to him what you plan to do. Plan and make your escape when he is not at home. If he catches wind that you are leaving, you will find yourself being lured back into his tangled web, which will be fake and on empty promises. You will find you re-enter the honeymoon phase again and I promise you, it will be short-lived.

Get out before you lose yourself completely like I did.

[yumi]

A really good book I recommend is:

Time's Up by Susan Murphy Milano

To answer your question about how you didn't see the signs....I'm not exactly sure how we don't see them. When we are vulnerable, these types of men seem to have the capacity to zero in on us and lure us. Its all trickery, tho.

Another reason is possibly that we try to see the good in people , and when we don't keep our guard up, we are easy prey. They know this about us and use it to their gain and their purposes.

I see so many red flags in your situation, because they mirror the one I went thru in a lot of ways.

I encourage you to get out of this relationship. I promise you, if you stay, you will keep losing yourself, your identity, your self worth and self love. If you stay too long like I did, I promise you, you will either end up in a mental hospital or 6 feet under because the pain will get worse and you will want to be free of the pain so badly, you won't be able to see straight , much less function.

I kept my hope in my ex husband far too long. I really loved him and wanted it to work. But frankly, he didn't love me back. I don't know if he ever did. I ended up losing myself completely and even to this day, a few years later after leaving him, I'm still not functioning. I'm still lost. Its like he stole my soul and I'm fighting to get it back. I don't want to see you end up as far gone as I did. It will affect everything in your life....right down to the very people who you love and love you back. You will become a shadow of yourself and your true self will be long gone. Please hear me and please get out. For your sake, because you are worth so much more. You are worthy of a happy life. You are worth breaking free and finding someone worthy of you. If you stay as long as I did, you will put up walls and not let anyone in. You will end up in complete fear of new relationships. I just don't want to see you end up that way.

[punkybrewster6k]

Thank you everyone.
I needed to read all of your posts today.
Im so mad at myself for allowing this happen to me again.

punky

[donica_14]

Thank you everyone for your kind replies!! I appreciate it so much. I am out of the relationship now for six weeks, and I am starting to feel like myself again. I also increased my wellbutrin dose and that has helped too.

I agree that he was very controlling. And he had a mean streak. It is good that I am on my own again. I am definitely looking for a therapist to help myself get more self confidence, more strength, more belief in my own thoughts. I hate that I broke all the rules that I would give to any other woman that asked me what she thought. I'm not stupid but it is a lot harder to practice what you preach!

I am soooo lucky and blessed to be staying with my sister right now. I am able to recover while at least having the companionship of a friend and ally. Punky, message me if you want - I hope you're doing ok. Best Wishes, Donna

[yumi]

Oh, fantastic! I am so happy you are out of this relationship and are doing well! That is huge! Be proud of yourself!