[marevna]

Hello everyone. I am in a extremely low state of mind, I feel devastated and desperate and I don't know where to turn to. I am 33 years old, I live alone, my mother died of breast cancer in 2011 and my brother and father live each in his own house and we keep contact, but nothing close.
My story goes like this:
I was always very unlucky in what concerns relationships-or, better said, I didn't choose my partners right and I kept falling into the same pattern every time. I have a degree in psychology , but that only helped me to be aware of things, but didn't help at all at healing.
My mother was a godess for me. She had narcisistic traits and I'm not sure exactly how it happeend but since I was a small child I was always consumed by guilt-guilt that I might treated her wrong, that I didnt respond as I should have at all the sacrifices she did for me. I was also plagued with fear when I discovered-as a child-looking through her papers that she was actually 20 years older than she told everyone. I was so afraid she would die earlier than I imagined. I grew up thinking my father was a certain man, then she told me it was another, but both acted as if they were my fathers, yet none was affectionate with me, so I felt awkward and rejected. I have an older brother who is smart and accomplished, not like me and he was the pride of my mum. I asked mum many questions about who my dad was , she said I drove her insane, but I just coudnt trust her anymore and I m still not sure which one is it. Im sure I was mean to her but I became obsessed about this issue.
I had my first boyfriend at 20 years old and I remeber my first three boyfriends loved me but I dumped them because I felt love should feel differently-more passionate (I was just looking for the drama I was used to in my family).
And so, I soon found it. I had met a narcisistic boyfriend who first seemed to love me passionately then retreated all his affection and left me in despair and emotional devastation-kept me like this for 3 years. Finaly we ended it, then another narcissitic boyfriend followed-again, same pattern-first he seemed to love me very much then he became verbally and emotionally abusive , retreated his affection and left me feeling guilty and desperate that I did something wrong and no one can love me. I always felt guilty during my childhood and I felt I did something wrong because my father would not be affectionate with me when I became a teenager (and I suspect he became distant because mum was jealous on the affection between us). I was also feeling guilty during childhood because mum said I was upsetting her and causing her to become ill. I did yell at her many times so I guess she was right partially.
After I managed to end the relationship with the second narcissitic boyfriend, my mother's cancer came back and she passed away. I would pretend she would still be alive for almost a year-I didnt tell people and didnt refer at her as dead. I didnt go to cemetery for 2 years. my calendar on my desk is still at march 2011. She passed away in May.
After she died, I entered an almost hypomanic state-I was living like I never lived before-experiencing eevrything , enjoying life. I searched online for a boy that I used to know 15 years ago-first boy who kissed me. He used to be my mother's student so I felt connected to my childhood by relating again to him. He was a drug addict and has been also in jail for 5 years. For me he was able of providing the passion and drama I was so hungry for. I started a relationship with him, but I discovered soon he had many traits that rationally and emotionally I couldnt accept. I was also almost obsessive about how my ideal partner should be and would think about his qualities and faults all the time. I have a significant obsessive compulsive side of personality. However, I enjoyed the passionate ineterst he had in me and I fed on the daily drama he provided-he was doing drugs, involved in illegal activities but sincerely loved me. But it seems it was not enough for me. I met a friend of his and this one-also ex drug addict with no job started romantically pursuing me. He flattered me in any way imaginable. He looked at me as if I was a godess. I tried to be rational and told him he sees me in an aura created by himself and that I am not that perfect girl he saw me as. But in vain, he kept trying to fulfill all my needs, showered me with attention and had a very humble, mesmerised look in his eyes all the time and I became addicted to it. Meantime I broke up with the first boy but couldnt sepaarted from him completely so i came up with the idea of being friends and sex partners but not in a relationship. It felt sick but my sterile obsessive compulsive side was telling me it is a rational deal. in the same time I was best friends and lovers with the second-I'll call him X. I was very honest with X. X knew I was still having sex with the first, he knew i ddint want to be more than friend and sex partners with him, he knew I was going to find myself a boyfriend and that I intended to get married and have children. I also tried to help X find a girlfriend also, he agreed. But in the meantime we were seeking eachother's company. X continued to be extremely devoted to me and with so much atention and with what it seemed unconditional support and nurturance-I became greedy and addicted to it. He seemed not to have a dignity, he seemed he would do anything to please me and i dont know how, I became a greedy person who used all that he had to offer. i asked him to come several times when i had dates with other men and to follow us close and maybe even take pics, I kissed another boy in the club when he was with me and I told him when I had sex with the first guy or other guys. I was completely honest with him and he seemed to accept it all, even if in the club he did do some jealousy crisis, but I felt they were unjust since he knew we were just friends. Now I feel tremendously guilty about it, but then I didnt feel guilty and that makes me hate my brain. I was also obsessed with his faults, with the fact he was a bit shorter than me or that had a small head and body and eevn told him some of these thought in total honesty. I was also honest to tell him that i was sorry and feel bad about it but i cant stop feeling ashamed if we walk hand in hand because he is shorter. Of course now i wouldnt feel like that as I learned to love all his faults but it is too late.
After one year and a half, he started becoming more distant and like an addict that loses her dose I started to become worried and that felt like love. Or maybe it wants love? Who can tell the difference? Then a friend said he(the friend) knew a prostitute and that prostitute wanted weed so I knew X was sometimes selling weed to make some petty cash so I propsed they would meet for business-I also heard that prostitute was beautiful so I thought it as test -to see if he still loves me. When he saw her he said that she is cute and later she started visiting him at his house and he even commented he could have sex with her. I felt betrayed and desperate. My whole dream of finding smn that would love me unconditionally shattered. I became enraged. I told him to stop contact with her which he ddint for one year. that year was torture for me. Many times he would not want to take me with him when they were meeting for weed selling and I felt so rejected. I forgot to say that after he met this girl, I decided i loved him cauze why would I feel so rejected, desperate and jealous otherwise? Or maybe it was the cutt off of the narcissitic supply he was giving me and I became a greedy monster? I hated myself, and the situation I was in. When I decided I loved him I let him know that, I said I was sorry for hurting him in the past and I proopsed we became formal. i cut off everythung with the first boy, I wrote on facebook Im in a relationship and I entered my previous role of desperate lover that would do anything to please her bf-like I used to be with the two narcissistic previous boyfriends. I forgot to mention that X also suffered from a sort of mental psychosis-he had a form of incapsulated delirium, thinking there are some superior beings like some sort of gods and that they manipulate us like we are puppets and that he can sometime dream and get signs about the future. Apart from that he functioned normally in society and didnt want to get any help. He would sometime call me evil , saying those gods warned him about me. After he first trusted me with this info, when we fought, I did sometimes say some resentful things about his gods and the fact he is crazy (because it felt so injust he would blame me i am evil just because the gods told him so) and of course he didnt trust to tell me anything anymore about it. So a year has passed and I couldnt get over the fact he wasnt like he used to be. I would desperately crave for his previous self and for his devotion and trust in me. i would feel so extremely guilty and evil for making his love disappear. I asked him to marry me and build a family, have cildren,forget the past, but he refused. Actually when I asked him I hoped he would refuse, because I felt he was not right for me and I hated how he transforned and pointed all my faults but I was trapped in this guilt and effort to win him back. I wanted to find a mistake from him a, fault, even that he cheated on me only to have a reason to end this painful relationship. Since I decided to be with him officialy, I didnt cheat and I behaved in a loving desperate way, but I would get outbursts telling him he betrayed me, that now that I loved him as he always wanted, he took his love back- i felt so humiliated, betrayed and i felt like i wanted to escape this nightmare but the guilt kept me there. I broke up with him several times when he refused to take our realtionship further and i went through so much emotional pain I cannot describe. i would cry at work, at home, I wouldnt eat, I started taking prozac and xanax. i tried to keep away from him, forgive myslef, move forward but I relapsed and I looked for him again. Sometimes I would get the clear feeling he was playing with my mind, like he knew I have this weak guilt spot and dwell on it. He would say something to attract me back when I was leaving him and then he accused me he tried, but he was only trying when I was already deciding to leave the relationship. He would sometimes say he doesnt love me like he used to because I am ajust a grain of sand and he has to deal with a full harvest because of his paranormal missions or other times he would say it is all my fault and that I destroyed the love and trust he had for me.
He never agreed to move in with me, he stays with his mum and his mum feeds him and takes care of him. Sometimes I feel so guilty, sometimes I feel he is playing me and really hate him. I tried to break contact with him several times and last time I almost managed to find someone else-I am desperate to have a family , I am 33 years old, but then I talked to him and nightmare rebegan. When he makes me feel so guilty I become a wreck and act almost borderline-I even tried to reconcile with the first boy out of despair. I dont know what to do, I feel like my life is a constant pain and that I cant take it anymore.
Please share with me your view on my problem, maybe seeing other perspectives would help me. Thank you very much for taking the time to read this.

[kaliope]

I think the desperate need for love and acceptance you did not get from your mother and father is driving the need in these unhealthy relationships. find yourself a good therapist and work through this so you can find a healthy relationship and get the love you desire. welcome to psych central. you will find that we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[marevna]

Thank you very much. I just contacted a therapist online but unfortunately, I hit a wall of mistrust. She googled my name and found out I was a Psychologist too, so she expressed concern my problem is real and said she could not help. What a bitter taste that gave me.

[PinesUnderwater]

I'm sorry to hear you hit a brick wall of mistrust, simply because you're a psychologist, too. You must keep trying! It's not just about knowledge...it is often from conversations with others that we often can open up the gateways to understanding. Even just the back and forth can really help you hone in on what you really need.

I dated a guy who I became "addicted" to as well, despite him not treating me well anymore. I was only able to finally quit and not go back when I found out that he had attempted to cheat on me, and also by not having ANY contact with him at that point. None - zip - nada. Is there any way you can move to another location, even if it's nearby, just to change your surroundings? Changing your surroundings in some way can really help break a "habit", which it sounds like he definitely is.

You are also really stuck on what he used to be like, not what he is. The truth is, you don't know what he used to be like. Yeah he treated you wonderfully - but only when he couldn't have you completely. He couldn't have loved you in a truly healthy sense if the only time he was really wonderful towards you was when he was needing to compete with other men for your attention. You can't do anything about your actions during that time - people do things like that, and, well, at least you were honest. Obviously you have learned from it, which is what matters now. In this case, take the blame focus off of yourself and try to face the fact that this man was never devoted to you in the true sense - for who you are, without needing to know that you're wanted by other men in order to have you. Whether he realized it or not, he didn't really want you, as you are, to love him unconditionally. He clearly doesn't have a healthy handle on love and commitment. However, you also were able to prove that you are able to be committed to him, which is great...but it does seem like you swing too much to the submissive side in those cases...

There's a lot to discuss here, more than I can help with right now, and I'm not a therapist anyway. But it sounds like you're realizing a very strong trend in yourself - to be with narcissists. You didn't get enough attention/love from your mother when you were younger, so there's a void there that you're trying to fill, and your "image" of love is skewed because it's what you grew up with, albeit unhealthily. I'm sure you know all of this, but sometimes it helps to hear someone else remind you about it. Just FYI, I'm around your age and have a similar issue; not narcissism, but lacking attention from my mother when I was young and subsequently dating similarly emotionally inaccessible people as an adult. Yeah, it's rough. When I finally found the one person I thought I could spend the rest of my life with and love unconditionally, I screwed it up because of my own jealousy/trust issues.

Maybe none of this is helpful for you, but please do know that you're not alone in dealing with these types of issues and feeling that pain of loss or that craving for unconditional love. If you can somehow distance yourself from this guy, I really think it would save you in the long run. Having been addicted to someone before myself - I know - it can seem impossible, but it feels SO much better and more freeing when you are over them!!! He has not treated you with respect or valued your love and therefore doesn't deserve continued love from you, especially since it is not reciprocated. Good luck! *hugs*

[marevna]

Thank you very much for your words and for sharing your experience, it means alot to me! I feel trapped right now and it seems like I can't get out of this one, but at least I found a therapist and I started therapy. I hope I will find peace.