[psychmajortwenty2]

Hi everyone,

My bf just recently graduated his degree from college and he's trying to get a job. (He graduated a college level legal program). It's really hard to find a job these days... every posting seems to be for lawyers which is more advanced than what his degree allows him to do. I'm basically working part-time/at an internship, so I don't make enough money to cover all our bills to rent our own place.

Anyways, we're stuck going between my parents and his parent's place. He has a weird relationship with his parents - they're kind of hard on him because he wasn't able to complete university and they seem to really only respect ppl with a university degree... it's a lot more complicated than that. But yeah. I know they love him.. but they're really hard on him at times. It seems that his younger sister (the only other sibling he has) is the favourite. She goes to a really good university - but she's only finished her first year. Now she's thinking that she wants to become an actual lawyer.. and her parents are really proud. The thing is her grades aren't really grad school worth - rocking about a 60 average. And she complained to my bf about how crappy school was at times and how she didn't want to be there. She's doing the classic university thing - going to school because your parents made you, but you actually don't know what the eff to do with your life - you're just trying to make them proud. She wanted to originally go to art school, but his mom wouldn't let her. Then when his sister was coming back with poor grades (she was an honour roll student in high school) his mom was like I wish she went to art school.
^I know I know. These parents can really be frustrating. Great people - but entirely frustrating as parents. I'm glad I had the parents I did.

Anyways, the point of this isn't about his sister being the favourite (although if everyone wants to give me advice about family dynamics and how to solve confusing parental relationships - it's welcomed!) - it's that she acts like a complete and utter spoiled, anti-social, rude, bratty b#(R%!

I would call her worse names. She really gets me worked up sometimes.

It's not even stuff she does to be directly.. she's perfectly fine.. in fact, we usually ignore each other.. or indirectly participate in each other's conversations at the dinner table.. or lately I've been telling her about the process of going to grad school in side conversations with her mom too (because I wnat to get my phd so I've looked into it).

But like... she's completely anti-social. I get it.. okay. Not everyone has to be an extravert. But she doesn't even smile when her dad comes to visit her at work.. she doesn't say thank you for coming to pick her up - my bf and I were running AT THE MAXIMUM 10 mins late and she ended up throwing a fregging tissue box at him.

She won't watch TV in the living room unless we're downstairs in the basement.. meanwhile his parent's have told us that we shouldn't hang out in the basement.. so we're stuck in this weird effing paradox of living WHERE WE CAN'T SEEM TO PLEASE ANYONE.

She gets her parents to buy her groceries - she's vegetarian - her mom makes two meals all the time. She never says thank you. She takes everything for granted.

Freg. I could go into so much more detail.

It's just.. I don't know how to be around this person that literally sucks the energy out of everyone. Her parents like her because they think she's going places (other than the fact that she's their kid).
But it's like literally pulling teeth to talk to her.. to go up to her. She's so intimidating... she radiates this negative pulse of energy where you just feel like you want to just go crawl in a hole rather than try and mumble some words coherent enough to talk to her. AND SHE'S YOUNGER THAN MY BF AND I.
It isn't even like this with my bf and I... it's like this with literally everyone. HER PARENTS CAN'T EVEN PROPERLY TALK TO HER.

Her mom basically grovels all over her trying to make an attempt to be her best friend. They are close.. but that's also because his sister doesn't make any actual friends. She only has this one guy she really has controlled and he's her bf.. but he moved away for university ( I WONDER IF THAT WAS ON PURPOSE #SARCASM ). My bf told me that he once had a look at her Facebook page.. and all she did on it was b($U about her mom.

Every time she disobeys.. her parents just chalk it up to her being "assertive". It's not assertive, it's downright b*^%&y and anti-social. She has no respect.

I just.. I don't know how to deal with this. Help????

It's weird when we're all adults living in the same house.. I just.. eff. My solution has been that my bf and I are going to try our hardest to find him a job and find the funds to move out as soon as possible. I really don't think I can take much more of her.

oh did I mention the random outbursts at the dinner table when she gets mad at my bf for no effing reason? Yeah. yeah... I'm just. I'm fed up.

If no one can give me advice, at least.. maybe a virtual hug or two would be cool. Also, writing this out to vent and at least people can maybe see what we're dealing with and maybe sympathize is therapeutic in of itself.

Hmm. I have had to deal with people like that before. I would recommend talking to her parents in private about it (but it can be risky, depending on their views of you and her). I have done it before concerning my friend's little brother, and it worked. God, he ruined my party sooo bad. Hope this helps!

I don't know how to be around this person that literally sucks the energy out of everyone. Her parents like her because they think she's going places (other than the fact that she's their kid).
But it's like literally pulling teeth to talk to her.. to go up to her. She's so intimidating... she radiates this negative pulse of energy where you just feel like you want to just go crawl in a hole rather than try and mumble some words coherent enough to talk to her

All of the above? She likely knows she has this affect on people. But the thing is, if people didn't bow to it, she wouldn't have the pull she has. So if she has these outbursts at the table and it disrupts everything, or the attention turns to her, or whatever happens [I don't know but it actually sounds like some how she basically rules the house], she understands she has that affect. So it doesn't stop.

If she flipped her s*** all the time and someone paused for a second [after completing their sentence of course], put down their fork and knife and said sweetly to her "I'm sorry [sister], was there something you wanted to add?", without flipping out back at her, or being upset, or whatever reaction she is constantly expecting, it might be different. If she had to cook her own meal, or her own vegetarian side, it might be different.

She walks around like she's some big deal, but it sounds like she is just REALLY unhappy and wants everyone else to deal with that.

And that's where that intimidation comes from.

I mean is she going to eat you?
She can only flip out so much, really.

I understand the intimidation of a negative person and how oppressive that can be, but at some point you have to see them for what they are: a cranky, unhappy, bratty college freshman who has no motivation to cook for herself, communicate with those around her or to do well for herself in school, thereby establishing a solid foundation for her future. Maybe she's just pissed at herself.

I mean I'd say she's just throwing a constant tantrum, like a two year old.
And what do we do when two year olds throw tantrums?

I've always just reacted to a tantrum as if they were doing something neutral. If they can't up the reaction by upping the ante on their end, it's wasted energy.

But it's wasted energy on your end to get stressed and move out of the living room if the parents are extending their home to you. So use the living room. Or make her try to actually compromise and watch her brain explode.

You seem to be a reasonable person [i've talked with you before] so you actually have the upper hand here.

My sister is actually similar in terms of "acting out" though she is nearly five years my senior, but some of the things I describe have made it a little easier to be around her.

Originally Posted by JosieTheGirl

All of the above? She likely knows she has this affect on people. But the thing is, if people didn't bow to it, she wouldn't have the pull she has. So if she has these outbursts at the table and it disrupts everything, or the attention turns to her, or whatever happens [I don't know but it actually sounds like some how she basically rules the house], she understands she has that affect. So it doesn't stop.

If she flipped her s*** all the time and someone paused for a second [after completing their sentence of course], put down their fork and knife and said sweetly to her "I'm sorry [sister], was there something you wanted to add?", without flipping out back at her, or being upset, or whatever reaction she is constantly expecting, it might be different. If she had to cook her own meal, or her own vegetarian side, it might be different.

She walks around like she's some big deal, but it sounds like she is just REALLY unhappy and wants everyone else to deal with that.

And that's where that intimidation comes from.

I have to agree. That's exactly what it is: she knows she's influencing everyone and that's part of why she continues to act that way. But the real reason is:

Originally Posted by JosieTheGirl

I understand the intimidation of a negative person and how oppressive that can be, but at some point you have to see them for what they are: a cranky, unhappy, bratty college freshman who has no motivation to cook for herself, communicate with those around her or to do well for herself in school, thereby establishing a solid foundation for her future. Maybe she's just pissed at herself.

This is what it really is. She's so unhappy with herself, she has to pull everybody else down. I know because I see (kind of) all sides to this and have somehow experienced it myself. Both within and with other people. This isn't about me though. What stands out to me is:

Originally Posted by psychmajortwenty2

Her mom basically grovels all over her trying to make an attempt to be her best friend. They are close.. but that's also because his sister doesn't make any actual friends. She only has this one guy she really has controlled and he's her bf.. but he moved away for university ( I WONDER IF THAT WAS ON PURPOSE #SARCASM ). My bf told me that he once had a look at her Facebook page.. and all she did on it was b($U about her mom.

Yep. She definitely has her own internal issues. So, I have to say this is good advice:

Originally Posted by JosieTheGirl

I mean I'd say she's just throwing a constant tantrum, like a two year old.
And what do we do when two year olds throw tantrums?

I've always just reacted to a tantrum as if they were doing something neutral. If they can't up the reaction by upping the ante on their end, it's wasted energy.

But it's wasted energy on your end to get stressed and move out of the living room if the parents are extending their home to you. So use the living room. Or make her try to actually compromise and watch her brain explode.

Don't give her what she wants. I mean by leaving you guys won't necessarily have to directly deal with her all the time, but to make things more bearable for the time being this may work.

For you:

[Teacake]

So the adolescent girl at the good university is rude in her parent's home. This is not unusual. It's also not your business. She is in her own home. Let her be.

Originally Posted by Teacake

So the adolescent girl at the good university is rude in her parent's home. This is not unusual. It's also not your business. She is in her own home. Let her be.

I agree to a point, but the issue is that the girl is making it everyone in the house's business intentionally.

If I lived in the same home as my boyfriend's sister and she acted like that, yeah that would kind of be my business. I'd have to deal with it all the time and she is making it my business by her actions.

Since she [the sister] doesn't own the home, it's not exactly just her home. It is everyone's home who is invited [by the actual owners] to live in it.

So it is the OP's home as well, she has been invited to stay there.

I would feel equal frustration.

I did provide similar advice to your own, though I'm not quite sure the situation amounts quite to what you've distilled it down to. The OP is extremely distressed.

[brainhi]

Originally Posted by psychmajortwenty2

Hi everyone,

If no one can give me advice, at least.. maybe a virtual hug or two would be cool. Also, writing this out to vent and at least people can maybe see what we're dealing with and maybe sympathize is therapeutic in of itself.

There you go. You know you cannot change her or her families reactions to her. I'm glad you have a place to go to get it out. Sounds like you are trying to manage her....that's the game you may have to play until you get out. It's so hard to try not to let her actions bother you - I know. Take good care of you and your bf. I wish you both the best.