Is it worth trying to work it out?

A bit of a rant here...

I met my husband 6 years ago (he is American and I am Australian) and we were only friends for the next few years. After he returned to America, he dropped off the face of the earth which I soon found out was because he'd gotten messed up in drugs and alcohol and landed himself in jail. Over the next few years, he had been in jail and rehab multiple times. I remained his friend because I knew that he was better than that and wanted to see the best for him. He eventually grew up and realised how stupid he was being.

In 2011, he was in rehab for 11 months. When he got out, he told me he loved me and it was like he expected me to come over and start a life with him. I didn't think either of us were in a place for that and so I stayed friends with him. He then started seeing someone else and cut me out of his life.

A year later, we started talking again and he came over to Australia to see if this would work. We talked about everything that had happened in our lives and were honest with each other about everything. I was a virgin and was waiting for the person I was going to marry, but he had a very extensive past which took me a fair while to deal with. We were always honest with each other and I asked him how many people there had been since he got out of rehab and he always promised he had told me the truth about everything. Throughout our engagement period, he always maintained he would never lie to me and he wanted us to always be honest with each other. Yes, it hurt to hear some of the things he told me and was honest about, but I worked hard to heal those wounds.

We ended up getting married at the end of last year, but everything changed on our honeymoon when I overheard him joking about something he hadn't been honest with me about. I later asked him about it and it came out that he had been lying to me from day 1 of us starting again and he openly admitted to me that he was lying to me because he thought I'd leave him/it would be a deal breaker for me. The thing is, if he had have been straight up with me back then, I probably would have been able to deal with it in time. But the fact I had to deal with SO MUCH else that he had done makes it even worse. It opened up all the wounds I'd worked so hard to heal and I have been absolutely heartbroken since. I haven't been able to look at him the same, I hate when he touches me, I can't tell him I love him, and I've felt pretty worthless/foolish since. I feel RIPPED OFF.

He usually dismisses me when I try to tell him how much I am hurting, he gets angry at me and calls me unreasonable. But I just can't do this. I also have Bipolar and my episodes have been even worse since. He has used my illness to his advantage and as an excuse for drinking again and not talking to me about it. He has lied to me about so many things since we got married. I found texts from his friends about drugs he was apparently after to start dealing again to make more money because I may have needed to stop working (that's his version of the story, whether it's the truth or not, I don't know).

We are in a lot of debt and I have worked so hard to pay about 85% of it by myself so far. He borrows money off me all the time when he already earns about the same amount as I do - yet I rarely see any of it go toward our debts. I feel like I have to be the responsible one around the home and with money, I have initiated outings with him to try and help myself want to be with him, but I feel outings don't happen unless I push for it. It all just adds up and I feel like I'm totally alone.

He gets really angry at me when I'm upset and calls me names and has thrown me into walls (he refuses to straight out 'hit' me, but he has physically hurt me in other ways). I'll admit that I have also lashed out at him out of anger and resentment.. I know I shouldn't get physical, but I feel so emotionally taunted by him and don't know what else to do.. EVERY time after a fight, he will calm down and come and lay next to me and hold me and tell me he loves me and that he's sorry. He maintains that he never wants to leave me and loves me. But that just confuses me and sometimes makes me angry because I feel like we're only here because of lies.

I started missing my ex who was really good to me and took really good care of me. We broke up a few years ago when I was unwell. I keep having dreams where I'm seeing my ex and telling him that I am sorry and that I can't keep going on with this marriage I feel I was tricked into. This is a recurring dream and it's tormenting me and I just wish it would stop.

I just don't know if this is even worth trying to repair when I don't feel like I was given a fair choice. I feel so numb inside and spend my time trying to figure out what to do and how I could live my life married to someone I don't know if I even love. My family are against divorce (my parents have been married 25 yrs) but I just don't know how to live my life married to someone I resent and told me what I wanted to hear while we were dating just so he could get what he wanted. He says he loves me and he is good to me otherwise, but I just can't get past the secrets and lies and not being taken seriously when I voice my hurt from it all.

I told him everything last night and he asked me for 3-4 months of marriage counselling and trying to make it work, and if that's unsuccessful, he'll leave. So that's what we are going to do now.. I am just so torn. Part of me wants it to just end now, but part of me is scared of him leaving and I don't know why.

I think, it was a wrong choice
but to err is human.
Its good if u r going for marriage counselling.
If it doesnt work, u need to forget him and start ur life all over again but if it works, u should forget all those lies he said and need to be more strong to deal with him.
Its really a hard time but dont forget these are all lessons from God. Maybe he is trying to teach u to be strong. So just calm down and wait and see what happens.
Stay blessed.

this relationship sounds extremely toxic. i don't know if he is being real with you about wanting to work on the marriage or not, but the problems most likely won't be resolved in a few months. first thing i'd suggest is to stop giving him money. is he buying drugs with the money? he may well be. the fact that he is considering dealing drugs is terrible. he is physically abusing you and lies to you. it doesn't look promising to be honest. you could separate before you decide whether or not to give this a last shot. that way at least you'd have some peace. just know that he'll be on his best behavior until he wins you back and then who knows if he would keep it up. i'm sorry things have worked out like this.