I am so tired of not being able to show the slightest bit of emotion in response to anything at all, without having somebody ask, "Do you need to see your doctor? Are you getting depressed again?" My meds have been discontinued for some time now. My doctor says what I'm experiencing is normal reactions to stressful situations, and it's not a matter of being "sick" and needing medicine. No pill, she says, is going to make the situations I'm dealing with go away. Therefore, at the slightest sign of emotion, at least I no longer hear an automatic, "Did you take your medicine today?" But I used to hear that question too, when I was on medication.

Tonight, it was my husband who brought up "depression again" just because I was venting about a petty annoyance. We've had that discussion so many times, that just because somebody has a condition such as depression or PTSD, it doesn't mean their emotions are always pathological. Sometimes something sad happens, and we cry, and that doesn't mean we're relapsing. Sometimes something annoying happens, and we get angry and maybe say a few choice words, and that doesn't mean we're relapsing. I have tried and tried to tell him how stigmatizing it is to automatically assume, "Your feelings aren't normal. There must be something wrong with you." I'm about over that double standard, where it's OK for others to have emotions or be in a bad mood even if it is slightly illogical at times, but I have to have this permanent painted-on smile, or else I'm getting depressed again and need to call my doctor.

When I reminded him that he often vents about the bills, and he doesn't actually expect me to do anything about it, but he's just blowing off steam, that did open his eyes a little. "OK. Point taken." I also told him, when I am depressed and do need help, I will tell him. He doesn't have to ask me. That seemed to satisfy him too.

In fairness, he says he means it no differently from if he sees me rubbing my forehead, and asks me if I've got a migraine coming on. But in practice, it's really more like, every time I reach up to brush hair out of my eyes, or adjust my glasses, or scratch an itch, he catches the slightest motion of my hand near my face and thinks "migraine" because it can't possibly be anything else.

How do you handle it when people won't let you have emotions, because of your diagnosis?

[gayleggg]

Maybe show them a copy of your post. You explained it really well and I think a lot of us with mental health issues get that response a lot. I remember my mother especially watched me for signs of depression so she always got the paste on smile.

Sounds like your husband is really worried about you and wants to be attentive. Being too attentive can get annoying. But those who know us about our illness worry about us sometimes overly so. We just have to learn to let it roll off our backs.

Too attentive. Yeah, I get that in response to my physical disabilities as well. It helps some to keep in mind they don't mean to be insulting when they jump to the conclusion that I can't do something, or offer too much help when I haven't asked for any, but it can still get annoying. It makes me wonder why they're not fussing over So-and-so over there nearly as much as they're fussing over me.

If I speak up, there are some people likely to respond by going to the exact opposite extreme, rather than balance it out by backing off just a little. They know they're doing it. They do it on purpose as a technique to teach me not to say anything next time. "Oh, I'm helping you too much? You can do this yourself? Fine. I won't help you at all, ever again, even if you ask me to." The only way to get help after that, if I do need it, is to "admit" that I was wrong last time, when I said I didn't need help. In general, the people who would employ this technique are now in my past, where they bloody well belong.

There is a tendency to think "disabled equals helpless," and even sometimes, to think, "one disability equals every disability." (For example, the flight attendant who saw actress Marlee Matlin using sign language to tell her interpreter what she wanted for dinner, then grabbed away her menu and brought back one in Braille. Durrrrrrr.) And there is also the tendency to think "weakness equals disability." When my mother figured out I simply wasn't as visually sensitive as she is, she took that to mean I couldn't dress myself without her help, because I'd have trouble telling what top goes best with what bottom. So she'd be inspecting my outfits, and telling me what I should change, well into my thirties. (In fact, I'm getting ready to turn 50, and if she were still part of my life, she'd want to hold my hand when we cross the street together. I can walk, although I use a cane. The thing is, she thinks of me as a helpless child who still needs Mommy, and won't picture me as an adult. What, am I going to dart away from her and run off into traffic?)

When someone fusses over me far more than they would fuss over someone else in the same situation (I have younger brothers my mother doesn't baby like that) then it leads me to wonder exactly how stupid and incompetent that person thinks I am.

My husband only needs education. Not only on what is me expressing emotions and what is me having a breakdown, but also on the physical things like how to help me up if I am having trouble standing. His tendency is to take me by a hand and pull my arm. Doesn't work. He's been shown a couple of times how to put his upper arm under my shoulder and lift straight up, but sometimes those things need repeating.

[Open Eyes]

It is hard to have needs, especially emotional needs. Unfortunately, many people struggle when it comes to knowing what to do "emotionally". Husbands can especially struggle with this when a wife needs emotional support. I have that challenge with my husband, he tends to either "absorb" or thinks he needs to "fix" it and gets very frustrated. Men are of the mindset that being in touch with their emotions is "weak" or "not manly" so they tend to only learn how to "shut down" their emotions instead of actually growing emotionally to where they are more in touch with their emotional part, that stuff is for "women" they think.

I am sorry you are struggling with how others react to you, it really is just that they don't relate and don't know how to react.

((Hugs))
OE

I do realize, the ones in my life *now* are not trying to be jerks. This is getting better since I'm seeing that they are not like the people in my *past,* whose whole game was to keep me dependent so they could feel both superior to me, and needed by me.

As an extreme example from the physical side, I recall a guy I dated once. And I do mean once. He took me out to dinner. At some point I needed the ladies' room. Since I use a cane, he apparently thought I required him to take me by the arm and lead me there. I also have night blindness, so at the end of the date when he took me home, I really did benefit from him helping me to the front door. I never heard from him again. I wonder if he found me too high maintenance and thought it was like being out with his grandmother--but the irony of the situation is, I really didn't need all that fussing over. I was perfectly capable of going to the bathroom by myself, even if I did use a cane, and although walking me to the door in the dark was helpful, if he hadn't done it, I would have managed. I would have been slower, but I would have gotten there.

From the mental standpoint, I seem to be especially sensitive to people explaining something to me that I already know. I mean some basic fact we usually learn as small children, such as "milk needs to be refrigerated" or "helium balloons float away if they're not weighted down." Or they might assume I'm SO socially inept that I need some small point of etiquette pointed out for me before the party. "Now, don't mention Mr. Franklin's birthmark. That would be rude." Or they might explain a joke they assume I didn't get. "You see, that word has two meanings."

And I reeeeeaaaaaalllllly hate it when somebody talks to me in a high-pitched voice, short words and sentences, careful enunciation, the way they'd talk to a child or a pet. Can you say "condescending"?

My tendency in those situations is to think, "What kind of idiot do you take me for?"