1st year of marriage turmoil

My husband and I got married 3 months ago but have been together for over 5 years. I'd say things were good for maybe 3 or 4 weeks after the wedding. He's been out of a job for about 4 months now which I feel is the real reason things are horrible. He's been really depressed about this for quie some time.
The catalyst for him attacking our relationship is something I'm not proud of. A few weeks after getting married we were having an argument about his job search. He confided in me that he really didn't want my advice but really wanted me to console him through this. Since I was already angry I shot him down. I feel embarrassed and horrified to come to the realization that I wouldn't console someone I love. I didn't think it was a big deal at the time, but for him, someone who has always had a hard time trusting emotionally, it was the worst thing I could have done. That moment brought every fight, every hurt feeling center stage. And now he questions our entire relationship, which I won't exaggerate was a phenomenal relationship up to this point.
I've been trying everything I can to make things right. I've apologized more times than I can count, we're going to couple's counseling and he is going on his own too. I've tried giving him the space he wants, being optimistic but it's met with nothing.
We frequently talk about what's going on but it normally ends with me being hurt that the man who was head over heels for me the past 5 years can so suddenly feel so cold towards me. I'm having a hard time hanging on. Please help.

If you're going to couple's counseling and if you've apologized, you're doing what you can. The best thing you can do on a daily basis is to change your angry, non-consoling behavior. Think about why you shot him down rather than console him. My guess is that you were feeling both anger about his unemployment and unsuccessful job search and anxiety that the situation was not going to get better. So you lashed out at him in a hurtful way.

Unless you address your own anger and fear (or whatever other emotion caused you to lash out rather than console your new husband at his moment of vulnerability) the situation is unlikely to get better.

In couples counseling, I hope you will talk to the therapist about the subject of forgiveness. It may be necessary for you to forgive him for losing his job and not finding a new one. Yeah, it may be something out of his control. But emotions aren't rational and you may find you're blaming him irrationally. You may have to work on forgiving yourself for blowing it at that crucial moment. Okay, you made a mistake. Don't beat yourself up unmercifully. Instead work on doing what you can to make sure you don't keep making the same kind of mistake over and over again.

It also sounds as if he's not willing to forgive you for losing your cool at a crucial moment. That's his mistake. It's a big one.

No marriage is perfect. Married couples do and say things that may hurt each other, small things, things done out of temper or hurt, things that don't mean anything in the long run. Unless both parties can learn to forgive the kinds of emotional mistakes people make all the time, the marriage may not be happy. I'm not talking about laying down and being a doormat for extremely bad behavior. But for hurt feelings and temper flares and not understanding when it would be best to reach out or step back. None of us is superhuman or a mind reader. We all make mistakes. You made a mistake. You failed in the moment. If your H can't forgive you for that moment of failure, well ... his mistake is just as big as yours.

Talk to your therapist, stop crawling, do the right thing, but really honestly and truly, it may be time for your husband to step up and stop making his mistake of acting like an unforgiving guy who's going to punish you forever because his hurt feelings are so much more important than yours.

Right now, as I see it, this is a 50/50 muck up. Please address that in therapy. It's your job to clean up your 50%. Maybe the therapist can help your husband with his 50%.

I have been doing my share of therapy as well. The biggest thing I'm having difficulty dealing with is his tendancy to distance himself from me, in every meaning of the word. This past Wednesday I was feeling particularly effected by what's been happening and had been specifically dwelling on how our intimacy has been non existent. He could sense I wasn't feeling good about things and insisted I talk about it. I explained what I was feeling, quite emotionally (no yelling, I was just really sad) and he just stared at me. He later said that he didn't want to run from his feelings but he felt he had to leave. I told him that was ok but I'm not really ok with him doing that but I'm trying to give him the space he needs instead of smothering him. He's been at his sister's now since Wednesday night. We haven't really communicated much besides a few texts of "good night" and how are you". I sent him a text a few hours ago saying "I can't make you do anything but I'd like you to come home tomorrow". I've yet to hear a response.
I can't handle being shut out like this.

Honestly, I wouldn't be able to either. In fact, all told, it seems more like a head game he's playing. You're trying to open up and he keeps shutting you down. Maybe addressing this with your counselor, even if you have to do so without him, is something you might want to try. At this point, I am wayyyy more concerned with your emotional health than his. Head games are a form of passive aggressive terrorism, and I make this claim with first hand knowledge of just how awful it can be to suffer with someone who does that on a daily basis.

Distance because of hurt is one thing, but as has been already posted, you seem to have taken responsibility for your actions over and above what might have been expected of someone else in the same situation, and if he still feels it's appropriate to cut you off, physically, emotionally and verbally, then the problem has ceased to be yours, and has become....spectacularly, HIS.

I wish you hope and peace. Be well

This sounds like a horrible situation for both of you, a real impasse-- and it all seemed to start when he lost his job, right?

I would try to remember that he may be feeling really, really awful about not having a job. Was it out of character for him to ask you to console him rather than advise him? Have you been mostly supportive and gentle with him given your awareness of his depression over his job loss? I'm trying to understand if this started because of one single fight or if perhaps he felt badgered for two months before he said anything?

Living with someone who is looking for a job is almost as bad as being the person looking for work. It sucks. When my boyfriend was out of work, I was too much of a nag. I wish I had been nicer. He was definitely depressed during that time and didn't need me adding to it. He was not the same person out of work as he is when he is happily employed.

I hope that you guys can patch things up and get over this. If you have been together for five great years, I bet you have good odds. Give your history together and the reason you are having a hard time now, I would personally cut him a huge amount of slack.

I guess it doesn't matter anymore. He came home to talk today and said he wants a divorce. That he doesn't feel the same and he doesn't have the fight in him to work on it.

What a mess!!! I'm so so so sorry, ktron! That's just awful, and I wish I knew what to say to make it either go away, or better. I've been where you are and I completely understand how devastated you must be. If you need to vent or talk, pm anytime.

Again, I'm so sorry.

Ktron, I saw this a few months back, and have been praying for you since. May I ask, how have things developed? How have you been getting along?

tbs