Wanting or not wanting relationships?

Hi, i have found this site very helpful, so i feel encouraged to write some more about my issues hoping in some insight.

I am confused and obsessed by this question: deep down, am i wanting or not wanting relationships?

I think i am a loner who often feels lonely. I blame the lack of friendships, good family interactions and especially "the love of my life" for my unhappiness and depression.

i keep telling myself that if only i had more friends i could enjoy life more. that if only my family would understand me i'd feel better. that if only i could find a boyfriend/husband i'd have all i could possible want. i'd have achieved my biggest dream.

in my mind relationships are the only thing that gives purpose, meaning, happiness. and i do make one little step to be more open to relationships, interactions with others and meet new people. not often but i do it.

yet,

when people get a little bit closer i feel like running away and i keep the distance.
when my family tries to have a dialogue with me i shut down.
when i see the littlest chance of having a boyfriend i feel suffocated and annoyed by him and turn down any guy who tries to approach me.
when i look at the relationships i've had and have i dont find them rewarding or myself enjoying them much. most of the times i am bored, annoyed and they feel more like a duty.

so it doesnt seem like my feelings want what it seems my mind wants. who is right and who is wrong?

do i have to accept that probably i think i want relationships because everybody does but deep down i am not a relationships type? or should i blame fear of intimacy, social fobia (diasgnosed), past CSA or something like this that stops me from getting what i want?

Please, i would really much appreciate any insight.
Thank you. and thanks for reading.

I think we all feel that way sometimes, sinking...moreso if we're depressed. And, for myself, I can relate to the mind vs the emotional...and if they meet somewhere about center, it's not usually because I did anything to create it...it just happened. I totally appreciate your confusion and probable fustration.

Have you spoken to your T about this? And it may be a case of keeping up with the couples/jones' that causes you to feel you NEED to be in a relationship....there again, it could be a real want, and need on both an emotional and intellectual level. The effort to question which it is, suggests to me that it's both...that you recognize something you feel you want to experience, but because of past situations, (familial) and emotional suffocation (at the thought of actually having a bf) you've effectively put up a wall between you and the unknown as well as the known. You know how those other experiences felt and they weren't too positive, but as humans we still gravitate to that which we've been taught is fullfilling. On all levels.

It's just not that easy to find for some of us. And for some of us, when we find it, we don't trust it, don't believe it, and eventually spurn it. But that's where possibility meets our own emotional confusion/distrust, and that's what we have to work thru first. Self destruction can take many forms and sometimes it's as simple as denying ourselves something that MAY be good for us, because we're not sure we want to trust that it WILL be good for us, and if we can't trust it, we're unlikely to be open to it.

In your case, again...I think your questions indicate a level of concern and talking to your T might be of benifit to you.

Take care, and I hope that helps

Thank you for answering Waiting4.

I've been thinking about what you said and i was glad to see you really understand my situation. right now i feel in a limbo, paralized by the constant push and pull. i guess that staying still is better than going in the wrong direction, but i dont want to freeze here. would be like dying.

i dont have a T anymore and nobody to talk with about this, that is why i turned to the forum. knowing that im not alone in this and being heard has helped. thank you.
takecare

Hey, I'm a new member here but I read this and kind of thought of myself and a few people I used to be close to. Several of my friends have had social anxiety and what they told me is that they came over it by just doing what they fear the most.... Which i know is much easier said than done.

Not all of us are perfect, and everyone has there issues, and even though it may seem like yours are terrible, it's because you feel that you're stuck and can't achieve the goals/dreams you have, but believe it or not, noticing your problems like this and being able to ask for help is the first step to getting closer to those goals. You wont be this way forever, as long as you keep trying. Don't give up, it's your life and it's up to you to make you happy, no one else. You neeed to get out of your shell, take baby steps and train yourself to think differently. Change doesnt happen all at once, and I know this from a lot of experience. It's defeinitly not an easy thing to do when you're feeling helpless and confused within yourself.... But you are not alone, and you can achieve and become the person you want to be, you know what you want, right? You know what you're having trouble with... And even though you might not know exactly whats stopping you all together, just do and think about things that make you happy... Think about what others seem to enjoy, try joining a club, not for other people, but for you or something like that where it's social but it's also not forcing you to talk to people, and then maybe you can make friends with new people, who you not only like being around but also enjoy the same activities with.