Trust

Hi,
I have been with my husband for 14 yrs, married for 5. This yr we have had a shift in our relationship due to his demanding job. Back in April he created a Facebook account and I found we was sending private messages to an old classmate. He made 1 comment that bothered me "you got it going on" when I confronted him about it he said he didn't mean it dealing with her looks that he meant it as far as her family and career. We had a big discussion, he closed his FB account (his idea) and agreed we will work out our issues. Since then I have developed insomnia. I sleep MAYBE 2-4 hrs a night since. He tried to make a surprise day for me ( he has never done anything like that ever) planning something he said he knew I would like, took care of booking, payment etc. said he thought I should take a friend since I never get to hang out with mine and took it on himself to contact my closest friend and start emailing her. It made me nervous he put such concern on my friend going with me I brought it up resulting in him yelling, screaming at me and said he will never buy anything for me again. Some of the few times since when we had sex, he started to lose his erection, I panicked worrying is He thinking of someone else? Am I not attractive to him anymore.... i bring it up days later tearful and he says he has too much stress and that i put too much pressure on him during the day indicating sex will be in the plans for that night and he gets performance anxiety. Things have been tense between us, he acts like I don't exist giving me the silent treatment, ignores me, doesn't contact me etc. no sex in almost 1.5 months and I feel like I don't know my husband anymore. I recently found while checking our family share plan online this week there have been over 500 texts and several phone calls one day adding up to over 4.5 hrs worth of talking. I confronted him asking who the person was that he's been talking to , because he seems to be giving them a lot of attention during work hours and into wee hours of morning. ( he hasn't called me in a month or barely text me, says its too busy at work all the time, he's in supervision) he yelled and screamed and said he wasn't going to live like this, that I had trust issues. I asked is it a male or female and he said male! I called and text. The mystery person and they would respond. Then my husband said he knew I contacted that person , that I have trust issues. When he got home I again asked what's going on and he said they are going thru a similar situational he's just getting their view point. Well today got the guts enough to call that number from his phone and guess what, it's a female! I dropped off our toddler ad in laws and demanded a talk with him. He again tried to tell me it was a male and then I told hm I knew the truth. That I don't like being lied to. He says he thought I would freak out if I knew and that he chose to avoid another fight. I told him it hurt me that he can spend so much time tall,it to someone else and doesn't bother to acknowledge his own wife. He told me he swears he has never cheated on me or had inappropriate conversation with anyone. He just wanted advice from someone who had went thru something similar etc. he told me he feels depressed that he's angry all the time and just sick of everything. I told him I am so frustrated am considering leaving and he said he feels so numb it couldn't make him feel any worse! I know I have insecurity issues with my weight/ looks, always have been uncomfortable in the nude. He asks why am I still insecure when he has been with me for long? He keeps bring up the fact I cheated( on him 11 yrs ago when I just got out of high school and we were going thru a lot of fights, I was very jealous back then) I want to believe he loves me, but I can't stand being lied to in the face. And his current behavior at home with his increased moodiness and cold shoulder have made me worry even more. He has threatened divorce. He refuses counseling. I went for my first appointment last week because I want help. I can't live like this,the insomnia and stress are killing me. I know I have insecurity/ trust issues. I feel like maybe he is finally going to pay me back for what I did 11 yrs ago? That its making me so paranoid. I have never felt like he would cheat on me until April and the whole facebook thing came about. Especially now with recent discovery that he's been talking to another female and lied to my face although he claims it is just about our situation, no personal detail questions or anything lie that etc. How can I trust him?

Carrol2009, It takes both partners to save a marriage. If your husband is unwilling to try and/or seek counselling, you have some very difficult choices to make. Is your husband a good father? Is he aware his behavior could result in the breakup of your family?

Carrol, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. I think I would feel just as paranoid as you seem to be, and I think you have reason to. Like bluekoi said, you probably have some difficult decisions to make, but at the very least, do not allow him to brow-beat (verbally abuse) you...his actions are very troubling and you have reason, IMO, to be concerned.

I hope things work out for you

He's a good dad when he makes times for her. I work 3 days a week and take care of everything when I am off. Yes, he's aware he is about to break up our family. Claims he is depressed and wants to be alone his way.