[Patagonia]

My H hasn't talked to his sister in 5 yrs over a very serious argument. It has driven a deep wedge into his family that will basically not be resolved.
I always told him I didn't wanto take sides in the matter. She has children & so do we.
They come to town & ask me to get together. I feel very obligated for the children's sake. I want them to know their cousins & to grow up not knowing how much animosity there is between the families.
When my SIL name is even mentioned my H becomes sullen, short tempered & angry. He takes it out on us. I ask him if he wants to talk & he always says there's nothing to discuss. He's in T but doesn't talk about it.

This weekend their in town & I've made plans for the kids to see ea other & visit. Once again my H is angry & gets nasty. It's getting harder & harder for me to not be effected by it. It would probably be easier for me not to stay in touch. This is what my H originally wanted. I still think he's sore over the fact that 5 yrs ago I didn't side w/ him & cut all contact from her family. It'll take him about 2-3 days to get back to "normal" & the situation to calm down.
I'm tired of it & don't know what to do about it. It's such a fight to keep this happy fascade up in front of the kids.
Don't know what to do.

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[waiting4]

I know you're trying very hard, and I commend you but the fact is, it's doubtful the fascade you've built for your kids and her kids, for that matter, is successful. Kids see and hear everything...and they talk amongst themselves...even if you HAVE been successful, it doesn't mean your SIL has been as well, no matter how hard she may be trying.

Not knowing what the argument was about, makes it difficult to give pertinent advise...depending on kids ages, and the argument, I might suggest talking to them about it, so they understand that while the animosty exists between your H and his sister, they are secure that both sides love THEM unconditionally. Again, not knowing the cause or ages, that's a difficult thing to entertain.

It sounds like you are terribly stressed, and I know I would be under the circumstances. I don't think it's fair how he puts you in this situation, nor how he makes you feel but the role of the peacemaker is never easy. I do understand how he would feel you should 'take his side' but (again not knowing the cause) you may have had very good reasons not to. If he grudgingly understands that...as you've obviously not relented and 'took his side'...then he needs to be advised that his treatment of you and your kids during the visits by his sister, is unexceptable.

Is there a way he can vacate the house while they're there...until they leave, so he can have his temper tantrum without disturbing the household?

I know you said he has a T...perhaps you could go to an appointment with him and ask if there is a way to make him more comfortable with the situation??

Failing that, the fact is, you are a very strong women who is standing by the principles you've layed down for the welfare and well being of your kids and their cousins. Unfortuantely, to continue to maintain this....you're going to have to be just as resolute with your H about his attitude. Obviously, trying to straddle the fence for his benefit is NOT working and is shredding your nerves.

Your decision is therefore: totally appease him and tell your SIL the visits can't go on, or commit to your earlier decision and tell you H to suck it up, or take a vacation when they come. In any case, you, as the peacemaker, deserve a little peace while doing what you can to keep the family together.

I wish you luck and good health...

[Patagonia]

The argument is a very serious one. It's about a domestic situation that resulted in the death of a loved one. It's still very fresh & touchy.

All the children are 10 & under. The oldest knows about the argument but no one ever talks about it.
It's taboo.

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[waiting4]

Originally Posted by Patagonia

The argument is a very serious one. It's about a domestic situation that resulted in the death of a loved one. It's still very fresh & touchy.

All the children are 10 & under. The oldest knows about the argument but no one ever talks about it.
It's taboo.

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I had thought as much (difficult topic) because I think by the way you feel you would have talked with the kids about it. I think that you may want to talk to the eldest who knows about the argument just to reassure her...may not be necessary but then again, if 'daddy' keeps having a hissy fit everytime her aunt comes to visit, that can't be anything but confusing, and saddness inducing..particularly if the topic of argument is such a tragic one.

I go back to my end advise then and just suggest you stick to your guns if you believe you are right, and if possible either arrange for your H to be out of the way (relaxing somewhere, maybe with his friends) or possibly talk to his T regarding the situation.

In any event, this kind of stress cannot be good for you, and as you seem to be the only one on your end maintaining balance, it is essential that you take care of yourself, emotionally and physically.