[Yogurtz]

I’m in a relationship with a woman who is 27 years old (I will use her online pseudonym ‘Evelyn’ to refer to her) and lives at home with her parents. Our relationship is mostly online because we live a distance away from each other, but earlier in May I did fly to her area and we had an amazing time together! We connect so well I can only describe it as magical. Nobody has ever understood me or accepted me like she does .

As far as I am concerned we have a healthy relationship and I have few, if any, complaints about it, however whenever I talk to my therapist and my best friend (a former history professor) they are alarmed at her relationship with her parents, especially with her mother.

Even though we have been dating for over a year she only told her parents about me within the last 3-4 weeks. Evelyn has a really toxic relationship with her parents and she is afraid of confrontation with them, so she never told them about me because of their inevitable disapproval. The reason she still lives with them is because, even though she has a Master’s Degree, she is unable to find a job anywhere and therefore can’t afford to move out. Her dad, moreover, is terminally ill with cancer, and she doesn’t want to move out or at least far away because he will likely die soon.

When Evelyn told her mom about me her mom reacted in the way that she feared – her mom hates me and everything about me as well as everyone associated with me. Her mom hates me for reasons that are absolutely absurd! She hates me because I have acne scars, which she believes means I am a cocaine addict; she hates me because I wear silver jewellery, which she believes means I am a drug dealer; she hates me because I don’t have a degree even though I have a full-time job with benefits; she hates me because of where I live and where I was born; and she hates me for the things I am interested in. I offered to meet Evelyn’s mom in person, and I was told her mom will not talk to or meet me and wants nothing to do with anyone associated with me. She even went as far to say that she is more upset that Evelyn associates with a “low-life” like me than she is about her husband dying of cancer .

Now what shocks my best friend and my therapist is that Evelyn’s mother’s hatred of me doesn’t upset me, and, frankly, I don’t see why it should? The fact is that I receive a bombardment of hate mail on the Internet for my newspaper articles, and many, many, many people hate me for what I am interested in. Most of my extended family hates me too for various reasons. Her mother’s hatred of me isn’t as alarming to me as what my best friend and therapist think it should be.

Indeed the way I see it is if she is happy with our relationship and I am happy with our relationship than what her mother thinks or what my family thinks is irrelevant. Evelyn has said unequivocally to me that her mother’s hatred of me will not ruin our relationship, and Evelyn is fully aware her mother is a hateful Dracula, because her mother hates all her other friends too.

Once Evelyn is able to find some employment and support herself, I think our relationship will improve that much more, but my best friend thinks that her mother’s hatred of me will continue on like a fungal rot in our relationship, which I don’t understand. Again, if Evelyn and I are happy with our relationship, what difference does it make what anyone else thinks? Also, I would much rather make it through whatever difficulties our relationship might have now than throw in the towel and walk away from what I think is the best thing to have ever happened to me (my relationship with Evelyn).

Your thoughts would be appreciated.

[JeanneDoe]

How can she judge you so harshly if she has never met you? If she hates everyone Evelyn knows then it sounds like the mother has her own mental health issues. Maybe she thinks she is protecting her daughter from hurt or danger? Maybe she is jealous of all her friends and you? Like she wants Evelyn all to herself? I don't know if you will ever be able to "fix" the mother.. If she is not even willing to meet you she may never be ok with you. Do you want to marry this girl? What will happen when the mother doesn't come to the wedding.. Do you think evelyn will cut her ties with her mom for you? Because I think if it comes down to you making a commitment to marriage the mother might threaten to disown her. Would evelyn walk away from her then? I think there are a lot of things to think about. And if you love this girl and are willing to be with her and take the risk that the mother might cause the relationship to end then I say go for it. Hopefully with time the mother will come to see how happy you make her daughter and she will learn to care for you. Best of luck to you.