[Fleury29]

I've tried and tried, and most of the time people who seem to be my friends usually are no such thing, there are times I've almost decided just not to try anymore as I'm tiered of trying only to find out that new friend of mine is not who they seem to be. Does anyone have any advice? The most I've ever gotten as a response from anyone that didn't simply repeat what I said back or me was a yep, ok, sure, like they didn't want me around. The other response I also get is just silence.


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[glok]

Hello, Fleury29. There is insufficient information to give you a proper response to your questions.

A Google search on how to make friends brings up 726,000,000 results.

Another option is to ask your questions here: Ask the Therapist

I wish you well.

[Ripose]

Yes Fleury29 some people just don't want to be friends, especially with someone who is different.
There are many people who don't want to be my friend for reasons like they don't like my sense of humour, I call people on their BS, I'm smarter than them, I'm a little bit strange, and the list goes on.

I find no point in asking someone why they don't want to be my friend since that only results in them being rude or offensive towards me.

It may take a long time to find someone you know is really a good friend, in the meantime don't be upset by others opinion of you instead just say to yourself "oh well" and spend some time in reflection about how you may have caused that reaction. Don't get "wound up" about it.

[Perna]

I think it is best to describe new friends as only acquaintances until enough time has passed to see if they are going to work out. You know how at a job you often have a one- to three-month "trial" period to see if you and the job and company, etc. are going to get along?

I find it very very hard to have more than a couple friends at once over time as it is a little like being married and requires time and work to make it work out. I would look for a "group" of acquaintances to be with and hang around with (take a class, join a club, volunteer, look at work, etc.) and over time maybe one or two in the group will become better friends to invite places and go out with one-on-one, etc.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Fleury29

I've tried and tried, and most of the time people who seem to be my friends usually are no such thing, there are times I've almost decided just not to try anymore as I'm tiered of trying only to find out that new friend of mine is not who they seem to be. Does anyone have any advice? The most I've ever gotten as a response from anyone that didn't simply repeat what I said back or me was a yep, ok, sure, like they didn't want me around. The other response I also get is just silence.


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unfortunately you cant make friends or non friends to like you or be the way you want. I used to have trouble making friends due to my culture, my sexual orientation, my problems.....I used think every time a "friend" turned out to be a non friend it was things like I did something wrong or they were stuck up... what ever. it turned out to be my perception of what a friend should be was kind of off. I was expecting everyone to be the way I was, like everything I liked, hate everything I hated, be only the way I wanted them to be, say act, behave. and when they did not measure up to my perception of what a friend was, it was what the heck is wrong with them dont they want to have friends, are they just unfriendable, do they have a problem with who/what I am?

then one day someone sat down with me and said maybe if you broaden your horizons, think of a friend as what you would be like if someone else friended you, not you friending them. would you be expected to live up to standards of what other people want you to be, say and do what others want you to be or would you like to be accepted for who, how and what you are... look for those that have common ground with you but understand they are not an extension of you but another complete individual thats going to be different than you.

once I broadened my horizon on what a friend was I began to have more people becoming my friend and when differences/problems happened the relationship I sat down and thought about how this person is going to do things I dont like, say things I dont like act the way I dont like because they are not me. Then I took time to sit down with them and discuss what had happened...you know I didnt like when you.......Im not saying what you did is right or wrong for you, just saying I didnt like it, Im curious, why did you do that? discussing problems in the friendship like this allowed the other person to not feel offended and understood I had a problem with what happened and more times we were able to work the problem out so that instead of losing that friendship, it grew stronger.

My point is only you can answer why this friend of your turned out to be a non friend. There are many different reasons why someone who is a friend turns out to be a non friend. the only way you are going to know why your friendships turn out to be non friendships is by talking with those people you are having problems with and figuring out what went wrong and then deciding whether you and this non friend want to repair the friendship or let it go with the wind.

[SeekerOfLife]

I cannot speak for anyone but myself. I want friends very much. I want someone to love and connect with me for who I truly am. I think most people are friendable. Maybe it depends on how you define friendship and what you want in that relationship. I do not want a bunch of shallow relationships. I want friendships to be meaningful, not just having others to hang out with.

Originally Posted by Fleury29

I've tried and tried, and most of the time people who seem to be my friends usually are no such thing, there are times I've almost decided just not to try anymore as I'm tiered of trying only to find out that new friend of mine is not who they seem to be. Does anyone have any advice? The most I've ever gotten as a response from anyone that didn't simply repeat what I said back or me was a yep, ok, sure, like they didn't want me around. The other response I also get is just silence.


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I've found myself in the same position countless times. As mentioned earlier it would be helpful to know details, if you have any to offer. Or just a general example/s so we're able to say more about what's going on.

When first getting to know someone they, naturally, don't show all that they are. What's more important is that no matter what is said, who someone is shows in what they do. In some situations it's better to go by that than what is being said...but again I don't have any details so I'm not sure what to tell you.

Aside from what I'm saying know that I understand your frustration. I go through this too.

My feeling is that many people are not looking for any more friends. They either have made their circle of friends already (and have no time to add more) or they rely on extended family members as their sole source of support and friendship. I don't think you should feel personally offended because so many have walked away from the opportunity to be your friend.

I have been fortunate in the friend category. I have had a few good ones for many years. We had many things in common like mutual acquaintances from college, similar interests (places you visited, games you play, TV shows you watch) experiences and values. We also have differences, and here is where it gets dicey. One needs to be very accepting of the other's right to think and believe differently than you. If you can't be respectful of the other's opinion on politics for example, then don't go there or change the subject quickly. You don't need to agree or be of the same opinion on everything. One needs to allow their friend to have a bad day, listen to their gripes (even when you've heard the same story 3 times before) and to be supportive. It's kind of like the way you would treat a spouse except you have different things in common with a friend like make-up, clothes, men, physical ailments and the like. I think you should keep looking but not try so hard. The ones who will be your friends in the end will be drawn to you naturally and you to them. When you find someone of interest keep the relationship going with things you like to do (movies, window shopping, hanging out at the bookstore). Take a chance and help a friend out. They may return the favor.

[Fleury29]

I'm not sure how to put my problems with people but if they know me or someone that knows me, they don't trust me before I've even met them and just assume I'm a bad person. Ive even had people I've never met at work copy me word for word with things I said years or weeks ago this just makes me feel like there is something else going on. I just don't trust when people pretend to be me, even if the motivation is good. I don't know where this is coming from. I never have been able to figure that part out. I don't trust people very well mostly because of past treatment.

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[BobbyDavis]

Have you tried making friends with people around you? For example, people who are friends of your family members?

I have ADHD, Asperger's Syndrome and OCD and I have a very difficult time trusting people apart from my Wife and Sister because a lot of my old friends wanted nothing to do with me when I told them I had disabilities but all my best friends now are friends with my Wife, sister and cousins and I trust them more because of that.

Originally Posted by Fleury29

I've tried and tried, and most of the time people who seem to be my friends usually are no such thing, there are times I've almost decided just not to try anymore as I'm tiered of trying only to find out that new friend of mine is not who they seem to be. Does anyone have any advice? The most I've ever gotten as a response from anyone that didn't simply repeat what I said back or me was a yep, ok, sure, like they didn't want me around. The other response I also get is just silence.


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To the " Narcissist type " you do not exist , your a cardboard cut out that moves.

So your answer is YES.

[Fleury29]

Originally Posted by BobbyDavis

Have you tried making friends with people around you? For example, people who are friends of your family members?

I have ADHD, Asperger's Syndrome and OCD and I have a very difficult time trusting people apart from my Wife and Sister because a lot of my old friends wanted nothing to do with me when I told them I had disabilities but all my best friends now are friends with my Wife, sister and cousins and I trust them more because of that.

I've tried that too, but, most just shut me out. I feel like the odd person out at social gatherings, because I'm supposed to be there but people treat me like I'm not. If I try to join in a group conversation I either never get an opportunity because people talk over me, or they stop talking., or any other number of things that seem designed to make me feel unwelcome. People will even treat me like I'm eaves dropping if I'm standing in front of them obviously waiting to talk to one of the people in the group. Why might I get treated like this? I've tried to change things in the past even if it were a perceived thing I was doing, but was just a misunderstanding I tried cutting out things what even hinted of whatever it was, but that only made the treatment get worse because I assume they just thought I was trying to hide things. I've never been able to figure out that either, why people always assume I am up to no good. There must be a reason for it. I do get easily nervous for very little, and have often wondered if that could be a reason. Is it my inability to trust people that is the cause? Do I just have one of those faces? As far as I can tell I don't look different, I do have some odd quirks, but that shouldn't be a reason to treat anyone like I get treated.

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Your last post were the details I was asking for.

Originally Posted by Fleury29

I've tried that too, but, most just shut me out. I feel like the odd person out at social gatherings, because I'm supposed to be there but people treat me like I'm not. If I try to join in a group conversation I either never get an opportunity because people talk over me, or they stop talking., or any other number of things that seem designed to make me feel unwelcome. People will even treat me like I'm eaves dropping if I'm standing in front of them obviously waiting to talk to one of the people in the group.

I get the same treatment too. And I wonder the following things as well:

Originally Posted by Fleury29

There must be a reason for it. I do get easily nervous for very little, and have often wondered if that could be a reason. Is it my inability to trust people that is the cause? Do I just have one of those faces?

I'll honestly tell you, only you can find out since no one is going to directly tell you. People see your behavior and make their own assumptions while sticking to doing what's socially acceptable - which is avoiding unpleasant situations. Most people think that directly telling you what the issue/s are will create a more unpleasant situation than avoiding you entirely...

Originally Posted by Fleury29

I do have some odd quirks, but that shouldn't be a reason to treat anyone like I get treated.

What I highlighted may be why you get treated this way. I do agree with you, it isn't okay. You may want to see a counselor to gain a better understanding of why this is happening, especially if this happens in every social interaction you try to have.

[Plain rain]

Wow! I feel your pain. Sometimes people have bad experiences in their past that make them guarded and unwilling or unable to make friends. Others likely have many existing commitments that make it difficult, if not impossible, to add anyone new to their lives. I have found meet ups online to be helpful and connects you with people who share your same interests. Have you tried this? Usually those folks are looking to develop and nurture friendships with others. Maybe because they recently moved to a new area or something changes in the level of commitments in their lives and they find themselves with more time for friendships. I think going this route might be very beneficial.

I wouldn't want to be friends with people who treated other people in this manner anyhow.