Are relationships ALWAYS this hard?

It seems as thought the only thing that is more difficult than muddling through a relationship is... muddling through a relationship with an anxiety disorder (or fill in the blank with your own illness). I just feel so lost and confused far too often. I think about my relationship with my husband about as much as I think about all of my other relationships and pretty much everything else- A LOT!

Can anyone tell me: how do we determine if we are just anxious individuals and this seaps into many aspects of our lives, especially relationships? OR if we are anxious because of bad relationships?

I really don' t like to think about my relationship as a bad one and I truly love my husband. But I am always worrying about the future- how we will be as parents, will we have enough money, what sorts of careers will we have long-term, what would we do if x,y, or z happened? These sorts of things. When I continuously bring these things up to my husband, he gets frustrated that these things are all we ever talk about anymore and he is sad that these are the only things I think about.

So I guess I'm asking for advice- do you think that if I had a husband who was more career-driven, a better care-taker, etc. that these worries would even go away? I have never been interested in money=success or a career defining oneself. I often times think that even if I had the "perfect caretaking husband" who made lots of money and was extremely affectionate and appreciative, I would STILL worry. I guess I'm just looking for someone to respond who maybe can relate or to verify that even with a great relationship, we can still feel this crappy and scared about the future??!!!

Help!!!

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tiodlliwi said:
It seems as thought the only thing that is more difficult than muddling through a relationship is... muddling through a relationship with an anxiety disorder (or fill in the blank with your own illness).

Can anyone tell me: how do we determine if we are just anxious individuals and this seaps into many aspects of our lives, especially relationships? OR if we are anxious because of bad relationships?

I am always worrying about the future- how we will be as parents, will we have enough money, what sorts of careers will we have long-term, what would we do if x,y, or z happened? These sorts of things. When I continuously bring these things up to my husband, he gets frustrated that these things are all we ever talk about...

So I guess I'm asking for advice- do you think that if I had a husband who was more career-driven, a better care-taker, etc. that these worries would even go away?

I'm just looking for someone to respond who maybe can relate or to verify that even with a great relationship, we can still feel this crappy and scared about the future??!!!

Help!!!

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YES....... We all have these kinds of concerns even in the best of relationships, that is plain human nature..... but it is to much or on the verge of OCD when these thoughts control our life or damage the love we share with another.

I personally do not believe that your insecurities / fears will go away if your husband was to change and do it over night, for the problem does not live in him, but rather it is growing in you.

Maybe you should sit down and write a long list of all the things that have worried you and that you have stressed over without a good reason.... YOU might be surprised to learn that this type of behavior has always been apart of who you are and will continue to be so until YOU CHANGE.

BTW - I have found that after 20 years of marriage that not all the problems I deemed as "my husbands fault" were not always his to hold alone..... some of the problems lived only in ME, my fearful mind.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

I agree Rhapsody, it is human nature. My husband is a bright and very optimistic kind of person (this is what attracted me to him in the first place!) and I was/am always the worrying anxious one.

We learn from each other all the time by talking out our feelings and communicating. My husband comes from a small family, me a large family and at times I have felt so isolated and lonely not having anyone around like when I was a child, but this doesn't seem to bother him at all. Just the 2 of us and our 2 children are all that matters to him. We have had to work through so many problems in our marriage of 17 years including having an autistic son.

I know I have put my husband through alot and him me, but we continue to work through it. Then I was diagnosed with bipolar last year and that was a double whammy! Still life goes on, some days are REALLY hard and tough, other days we just clutch at what is good and nurture it and feel the warmth.

take care

I had the same problems my self, well not all of them but a few. I always worried about money, my career, job, future. And ya for awhile they did controle my life and thats all I ever thought about. Now that those problems are behind me I feel better and dont think about them as much. I had a job where I was making enough money in one week to pay for a months amount of bills and was saving for the future. Long story short I left that job for a few personal reasons. Im now at a job where im not making close to what I did before. Point im tryin to get at is that when I was making the most I worried the most and now that im not making as much I seem to be worring less...I know weird but when I was making the money I shouldnt have let it controle me as much. Be happy! Im not making as much but I do what it takes to make my ends meet and you should do the same. There isnt really much we can do to "plan" for life you know? We kinda have to role with things and make it up as we go. With being good parents, what are good parents? Everyone has a idea in what they think good parents should be. Your idea of that is most likely different from someone else but the one thing everyone has incommon is that you want the best for your child and to give them what you didnt have when you were little. Just do what you think is right. My last g/f that I was with for 5 years she did the same thing, she had like the perfect relationship/boyfriend made up in her mind. She was always expecting me to do things as in say " i love you" Its not that I didnt but she expected it all the time, and when I didnt say it when she thought it was the right time for me to say it, it hurt her. I think your going to expect things out of him...like over expect. Let him be his own person and say and do things on his own, and when your least expecting things and he says "I love you" it will mean so much more to you.

Bryan-

Thanks so much- that was such a great post. What you said about money made SO much sense. When I think about it realistically, I know that some of the happiest people I know are not neccessarily the most well-off financially.

And what you said about your ex, that really hit home. That is what my husband says so often. That he can't do things to show his love BECAUSE I am expecting it all the time but in his own ways, in his own time- otherwise it wouldn't be genuine. And the expectations I have of what it means to be "loved" or "in love" or the "perfect couple" are unattainable goals and all that happens is I am constantly feeling let down and he is constantly feeling like he is not enough. So, thank you, thank you, thank you! For your kind words- it helped to hear the other side of things from an outsider.

Things happen slowly. If you really want a good one, truthfulness, patience and forgiveness might make it worth the while. Being alone is bad and being together is bad too so just trying to practice all that stuff makes life sweeter, yet bitter sweet, but being alive is a merciful gift anyway, with the roller-coaster rides anyway.

Being patient is what I am NOT good at... I can't stand the "not knowing" what is going to happen and I fear change like nothing else. My husband will sometimes ask "would you rather have everything planned out for the next 5 years and know everything that's going to happen?" While that may take the edge off, it would also take the fun out of life- the ups and downs, the lessons learned, etc.

It just is so hard sometimes, ya know?

Thanks for all the kind words.