do you allow.. your adult children - free access to your home?

"children" in their 20's - do you allow them key to your house once they have moved out?

Thought that I wanted relaxed "feeling" in my home, where my adult "child" could drop by and "pop" in - even if I wasn't home.

I've very much changed my mind, due to certain behaviors on my son's part - just in general a lack of respect for my property. It is very disruptive to me...

What is your opinion???
Any ideas on how to change the free access without totally
alienating him??

Thanks..

you just walk up to him, hold your hand out and ask for your key.....then you change your locks.......when he protests, explain what he did and let it go at that. you're the adult and you don't have to explain, ad nauseaum, why he isn't allowed in your home when you aren't there........

how's that for a direct answer? my daughters are in their 30s and neither one of them have a key to my house. neither does my SO or my good friend, Robert.......

HI Freewill,

I hear your concern and worry here. Yet you are correct that you have the right to make the boundaries. This is your home and you are finished raising your son. You will always be his mother, but the job of raising him is done. Even if he still has lessons to learn...as we all do at that age. He is resonsible for himself now and his life's lessons.

I can relate, maybe? My son lived with me until I told him he had to move out. He was working and had money, but not making any moves toward independence. He moved out for a while then was back, and right back to where he was, living dependently. I had to take strong action. When I told him he had to move out again and gave him a limit of several weeks, he became outrageously verbally abusive and ragingly angry. Finally I called the police after an evening of several hours of his ranting (he was holding the phone, keeping me from it). It was terrifying for me. He stepped outside to have a cigarette, and I locked the door and called the police. They came and almost didn't do anything! But finally they had him pack a bag and go. I had the locks changed the next day. He subsequently moved in with a relative across the country and is working and doing okay, heading toward independence still. Looong story short, if he were living nearby, I would not allow him open access to my home. I would not give him a key and I would ask that he call first before coming by. Common courtesy that is good for them to learn. It also reminds them that we are separate individuals with rights to do things our way and to have what we desire.

Like you, I want my privacy and to feel secure and safe and at ease in my own home. That means I set my own boundaries for who can come/go. And anyone I allow to in must be trustworthy or lose the priviledge, at least until trust had been earned again...maybe longer; maybe forever. And yes, this applies even to my own son. Because it is about me and what I'm entitled to. And he would not like it a bit, you can be sure; but, it would be a lesson in setting boundaries and personal rights and responsibilities for him, just like my forcing him to live independently was. I love my son very much and I want him to be an independent, resonsible, happy young man.

I think you know what you want but you don't think it's okay to want what you want. And maybe you aren't sure how to present this idea to your son. Just be pleasant and matter-of-fact that this is how it is going to be from now on. That this is about you and what you want (not about punishment for his actions). You owe no explanations or justifications to anyone. This is your decision to make and you've made it.

Sorry so long...!

Good luck and I wish you peacefulness in your new privacy!

ECHOES

it is your home, the adult child needs to learn respect and to grow up

Thank you!!!!! Everyone....

Goodness, I haven't had a key to my mother's home forever and forever. I don't remember any scene about giving it back or anything (of course, it was 30-odd years ago).

But I do know that once I moved out, that was it. After that, you rang the bell to get in.

plan and simple when ya move out ya move on to your own home, parents have aright to there privacy

you got that right!!!!!!!!!! i LOVE privacy......

My kids ages range from 29 to 44, and yes, they have free access to my home. They know the rules still are in force from their childhood. The main one is RESPECT.