[Yismymindblank12]

I don't want to admit this, but I hate people who try to pressure relationships. I seriously hate love and intimacy, I never had it. I can't really want to relate to any females. I may be moving far away, I am reconsidering if I want to continue this friendship that may turn into a serious relationship. Mainly because I can't do long distance, I can't attach myself to anyone I'm not close to. I hate being in social situations with certain friends or groups where I'm the one guy who is sitting their not feeling well physically or just being myself not wanting to socializing. Then all these couples start making out or my friends start bringing girls over I get left alone, because all of them go for everyone else except me. I don't want or deserve someone I don't care for the entitlement. I just want to stop feeling like ****. I purposely force myself to not care even though my emotions try to tell me otherwise to keep me in check. I hate having to deal with feeling like I want to be with someone, when in reality I don't have time for this. I find the whole concept ridiculously over exaggerated and not worthy of what it means to fall in love. So many things I don't want to worry about that people want to worry about, but deep down I'm truly alone. I see more and more that it's always a one way street with relationships and how other people look at them, and the biggest turn off is when a girl comes up to me tries to play games with me. I catch on to it very very early and usually won't bother them. I hate being used, it's like relationships are about who is weak enough to get used, I avoid them, because people suck. I had 8 failed relationships where I wasn't the weak oversensitive guy I used to think I was. I was abused and no one goes to the guy and let him know he will be alright, because you are a guy you are damned because since I don't know you personally you all want your sexual prowess to prevail and destroy everyone's lives.
DON'T TAKE THIS PERSONALLY because it's not directed at you, I hate you women, I don't want your love your sex your needs or desires, I'm tired being your object to be assumed I'm going to hurt you or discriminate you. I hate your petty childish ********, till you grow out of it and actually genuinely try to make up for it and then you realize I don't give a flying **** anymore. I'm not mad that you are successful and happy with other people it's not my problem and I'm happy for you and I'll support you. Don't ever ever try to come into my life assume I can't do **** I'm an idiot women are always right deal, because the last time a woman did that to me she was no woman she was a self entitled ***** who beat me a lot and said I was no good for anyone made me guilty of myself when I was younger made me have a child through that shame and guilt.. I put my all to tell her I loved her, I didn't cheat or look at another woman. I don't care what gender I am, I never wanted my daughter to die from an abortion and an excuse for you to say everything I do is a failure and I deserved to had died from my medical issues like I almost did. I struggle every day like every other woman and man person of any place. I don't care bout this stupid self entitlement that women have that's so caddy, it's not a womanly thing. I don't care if you are skinny big black white yellow. I don't give a ****, because I chose to put my time to be close to you, but no you wanted to use me for sex while you wanted to be with everyone else. You picked me over the other guys, because I was your best free booty call. I can't have fun around girls, because I'm not one. I wanted to feel safe in my skin, but it feels like I'm more at fault for being me and being told to do so much hoop jumping just to have someone come into my life and get their attention to make me feel like crap. I haven't dated in a year and going on two I want to stay single, I have a life, and when any girl goes up to me and wants my attention. I give her not much time, because I want to see if she is wanting to do. Mostly all the time, I don't expect much, but I'd like to see someone say a compliment or be nice to me. I don't call you names and try to obsess or control you, I don't want to control anyone. It's like that's what people love to do control control control, if you aren't the manipulative controlling person male or female you must be the slave or ***** in their life. Why do people do this in all relationships, it's gotten me scared, because I'm in love with this girl for over a year it was hard, but I chose to stick by her and accept that she is busy. I appreciated the little things and understood and accept her for who she is, and she really likes me. I told her how she made me feel the one time she blew me off for another guy because I was an inconvenience I respected it even though I was mad and was upfront about it.
I didn't say anything negative, because she was a good person, I mean it's starting to develop into something a bit more serious. I don't want it to be, because I know I maybe moving far far from her and getting close to anyone is near impossible from the get go and I don't know what to do. I want to love her, but this pain this hurt. I suppress to give her my undivided attention and appreciation keeping a straight face letting her in little by little is almost too much. That patience pisses me off about relationships, I wish I had boobs and a nice *** myself I wish I was born an independent minded respectable woman who can get the attention that she wants, I know I could easily be a lot less insecure. It's like I feel in a relationship all my wants and needs as a guy make me feel ugly and unworthy, it makes me feel like I'm no good even if she thinks otherwise. I appreciate it, but it makes it worse, because it wasn't the relationships, my life was all about abuse and pain and nearly dying 3 times only 20 years old with rare medical condition where my relationships hopefully won't be about soon of my health and if I need her to push me around in a wheel chair bothers me. I never felt appreciated, I don't mind rejection even if it hurts, but dammit, I can't take it anymore I would rather be crying upset and being abused than fall in love. I don't know why my thought process and feelings are this intense, when someone says they love me, I cringe feel sick and weak I feel like I'm going to die and I just want to beat myself and hurt myself. I am very open minded and very extroverted view of me from others, I respect everyone what I said about women hating them earlier. Wasn't a hate speech, I don't know why it has to be after the hell and pain I went through all my life, I have to be affluent cool looking guy to some people or have beautiful looks as a female just to get the attention and love I want. I needed that attention the most I work much much harder to get simple things done, I'm not saying much, but I've accomplished a lot in my life, I'm proud of it I'm got a record deal and will be an established music artist being famous will be a reality now.
It's just that after the success and fun, I don't want any woman to come into my life and want to be with me because of my fame or money, I want them to come to me for me. I can make the next moves no problem, but she has to make the first and have me relax. I want to be with a woman who makes me have more reasons to appreciate relationships instead of loath them deep down. I don't hate women, I hate the misognystic bull crap that this society puts expectations on men and women and relationships. I want to be committed and have sexual freedom and she has the same equal opportunities as I do. I can support any decision and be with her as a true friend, she can go out be with friends. She shouldn't ever have to pressure herself to believing I don't care, I had my last ex do that, because she wouldn't communicate with me, because she was like the ex before her wanted me for sex except this girl did love me and broke it off because of a tiny thing she didn't agree with and instead of telling me about it, she does her best to make me feel like crap.
Then in december of last year, I was in pain I hung out with her casually she beat me when she was drunk because I didn't want to have sex with her because of my stiff person syndrome I couldn't move. I'm still traumatized from the whole ordeal. I couldn't fight back or run or get out, because my body was putting me in a cage and she took advantage of that. It's funny because she got away and people thinking I'm just the loser. I guess I'm the guy who can't do no wrong, but I'm just a horrible person. It's not equal, I didn't get ****, I got bruises a damaged heart and I'm scarred for life the thought of falling in love gives a ptsd like anxiety, I want to scream and run literally. It has caused so much damage. I did my best, and when it comes to "nice guys" o look a respectful guy destroy him to nothing.
I hope you see my point, I had made mistakes, but I didn't cheat or want to. I didn't care to be something to them I'm not. I didn't want to be a towel, but I'm left to dry and wither away, because I am a guy I gotta toughen up. It's the mindset I got from both men and women, people has made me so hopeless. It's like I have a female therapist I'm seeing soon about this, but damn it hurts too much just the thought of anything with relationships. I have to do so much more work as a guy to get your attention even though I can do a great job, it's just I don't want to be tethered around or feel like a game to anyone. I'm not the stereotypical I'm just mad because I can't get a girlfriend, I don't give a crap about relationships. I'm ranting for the sake I'm upset from the abuse and myths about men associated with me just out of pure insane ignorance. I wanted to love, but I have nothing else to give. My rant is over, but it hurts everyday when I feel like a woman comes into my life to want something other than my existence to use than appreciate. I'm being blunt and bold about this, because it hurts really bad. I didn't mean to peg personally on females to shame and guilt the individual it's the behavior that's not entitled to the female or male it's the human behavior and mean things people can do when they just want to hurt someone for their own pleasure.

[gayleggg]

Sounds like you needed to get this out of your system. I'm glad you were able to do it here and safely.

[Yismymindblank12]

I really have poor body image of myself, I know I get compliments on my looks. I lost 40 lbs, and I been diagnosed with Stiff person syndrome last march. I hate my body I hate where I am despite my success, because I feel always neglected. I can't trust any women except my mom and if she dies. I know I would kill myself, because no one has the patience she does. I do everything to take care of everyone. I don't get **** out of it, my body was in lots of pain last night and now. I can't do simple things anymore, I'm only 20 I feel like an old man in his 90's. I hate feeling like this, because I do everything to not rely on anyone for anything. I don't want a relationship, because I feel like I have to be about my health. It's not fair, and I don't feel safe being my vulnerabilities are taking its control. I just want what everyone else takes for granted. I wanted to feel beautiful and good about myself. I hate being the way I am, and I'm tired everyone being so condescending when I do the best I can to love myself. It's like all the things I want can't happen because it's not me it's out of my control, because I'm surrounded by superficial people who don't care about anything I say. I don't know if I can date this girl or anyone, because of my medical issues and things I hold back. No adult has the patience like my mom has not even my therapists. I don't know, sometimes I just want to die, because I'm not upset about the petty crap of being ignored or alone all the time. It's facing this with the reality I won't be able to move or breathe normally and my body failing like it is according to my neurologist. Today has been too much, I can't cope or move.

[niceguy]

This truly just wreaks of sadness. Anger yes, frustration of course, but ultimately sadness.

I feel that a lot has led you to this place and you have every right to be upset. Own in, male or female, we all hurt. Not to mention, you may have more female gendered aspects in your makeup, that may be affecting this. Who knows?

Thing is, one time I really wanted someone to open up and trust me, so I put them in a position where they would have to agree to let me be in control. This was not that I wanted to control them though, quite the opposite, I wanted them to know that if they placed their trust in me, I would never abuse it. However, they never knew the reasoning behind it, and due to other circumstances it never occurred. - Now the point lol, perhaps, these people have hurt you through their actions, but no one gets off Scott-free. We all hurt, and while your side justifies the place you are, it does not explain what they felt on the flip side. They may have been truly bruised by you to, emotionally, felt they couldn't trust you and subsequently left.

As for the actual "beating" - that is a wtf.... in no way should anyone attack another, especially a woman who knows a man cannot hit back. I hate that ****.

Finally, life has given you lemons so far. The only thing I will leave you with is that if they are meant to be, they will be back. If they are purely a lesson to learn from, learn it. At the end of the day, they obvi all loved you in one way or another, and that is more than most people get

Owed to B

[Yismymindblank12]

I'm aware some things I did that upset them, but they were very trivial and they blew it way out of proportion instead of telling me they let their actions do the talking. When I was willing to listen, maybe something I said, or something that they didn't call me out, and I told them to, but they chose not to and purposely start drama. I know I did a few things wrong in relationships, some moderately bad, but never cheating. I never paid attention to other girls in a desirable way, yeah I looked at them because I do like looking at pretty females, but I'm not going to stare or care to look at other girls all day when I was dating someone. It's like I did something that made them a bit mad, but I used to think it was me, but it was their way I can't let you look at other women, you have to be mine, which I got that, but what didn't make sense. If I glanced at another girl and she happened to be in my direction she assume I'm cheating and went all out on a spree pretending I am, when in reality I didn't care and I dated really ****** people that last 4 relationships who were very insecure. I always tried to see from their side and I got burned badly, every time it would end them screwing someone else or my child got aborted and she screwed three other dudes in between while we were dating when I was 18. I mean it's given me PTSD and sometimes when I meet a girl who likes me I don't care on the looks, I have a panic attack she thinks I'm shy, but I'm remembering all the abuse in detail. I am going to talk about it with my therapist this weekend who is female, I picked her earlier last january to help me on issues with relationships from her younger perspective. I'm purposely exposing myself to the fear of women, from the abuse. I had it before from sexual and physical abuse including, being beaten up a lot coming home bleeding and being raped at a very young age growing up. I know how it feels like and I know it's done a lot of harm to my needs for intimacy. I want to let someone in, but it's like the normal fears of rejection with PTSD included.

[Yismymindblank12]

See basically I'm the personality that spends more time on compromise, logic and reason, finding every avenue to be happy and positive.
I'm an adult, but I felt I've never grown old. In my head, I like to think I'm 5 years old in happiness. I'm not immature and think way ahead of many people, I'm very enlightened and care a lot for men and women.
Even if you are an *** I'll still love you as a friend, it's what gotten me abused a lot. I'm not too nice or a pushover like I used to be in my last 3 relationships. I had to learn by saying no more and speaking my mind.
I was afraid before if I did to another female, I'd be considered sexist and misogynistic. It was a very irrational fear, I hated feeling like that from women, it only happened twice in my life and it was one of the worst feelings to me, many guys don't take that seriously with how they feel being called that even if true or not. The reason I am, because I wanted to be a woman, I like to feel beautiful, but I am staying as a man. It's a superpower, I can relate to both men's and women's issues on a very unique level. I experienced supernatural contractions that women had when I found out my daugther was aborted, I was in so much pain, because if I was a woman, I'd be the mother in a heart beat. I have no problem being a single father, but she couldn't carry her full term, or else she die, which is fine. I wasn't too upset about that, but then she tries to put that it's my fault, when in reality she took my virginity she pressured me every time we hung out to have sex. I had non stop sex in a lot of my previous relationships and I hate it. I sometimes wonder if it's just, I'm like a lot of women like I identify myself with and want intimacy over sex or I don't know I'm just me.
I like being me, but it hurts a lot when I'm compared to guys who are freaking stupid and seem attractive because of superficial ******** that isn't even sexy even if I was a girl I wouldn't ever think about screwing guys like that. Just no. I look very attractive to a lot of girls and I express how I care about my appearance, by dressing up a lot. I usually go casual dressy or all out suits and ties.. I just want to be appreciated that's all. I don't think I've heard an I love you for you instead a I love you... aka I love you for your body, sex, friends and quick emotional stimulation I should of handled myself.

[niceguy]

Sounds a lot like you have a deep-rooted anger for women, based on last experiences that have impacted your view of them today. Take back your power and continue I express yourself, just be careful of the way you do it - you need to forgive the past and accept it. Your ability to hate women and I'm guessing sex today, is based on the abuse you received as a child.
I also would like to point out, just because someone says they love you, doesn't necessarily mean they don't love your true self, because they may infact directly mean just that. Unless ofcourse you have not shown that true self - in which case you may need to work on showing if you want it loved.
Finally, you are not responsible for your child's death, but on the flip side she might just be lashing out and wanting to blame someone for the pain, and it's easier to be you. Even though she would know on a logical level, you are no more responsible than she was. Can you imagine the guilt from trying to establish If you should chose your own life over your babies? That guilt would be insane.
All the best though

[Yismymindblank12]

We were teens, her dad made it happen through planned parenthood she had no consent on that agreement of the abortion. I find it irresponsible that she only puts the blame on me, I accepted the situation and my part of it, I learned, but she never has. The last time I spoke with her she was trying to get pregnant again and again from different men she's going to be 19, I do not talk to her and avoid her at all costs, her close friend's left her because of her lack of responsibility and forcing others into her negative controlling mindset.

I don't harm women, it's foolish or anyone. I had my issues, but I don't take it out on people I express it positively.

I was unable to see my therapist probably won't for a long time, because of finances.

I understand on that if they say they love you thing, because it's why I'm isolated personality or introverted. I'm more waiting for someone to prove them self in a way. I know when I see it I'll let my guard down easily it's starting to work now on this one girl who experience similar things. She and I are friend's because we mutually made it that way. I'm not going to date her, I felt like when I date someone too early it feels like to me I've given up the fun, the chase, and most of all I given up on trying to be with them and caring about their existence.

I accepted a lot, I understand a lot, subconsciously hasn't gotten the memo yet. That's why I've been wanting to see my therapist, my body triggers it when my mind doesn't care about the issues in the past.

I get it, when they say they love me, they love the superficial me, what they see what they can parade and show off. You definitely reiterated on what I just said exactly or meant.

I do my best to show my true self in small subtle ways how I let someone in if they can pick it up or make appropriate responses that make me feel safe whether if I like the answer or not. Like the girl I mentioned I am friend's with I will go on a date as friend's soon started from a message online as, after we talked for about 3 days, I tested her response subconsciously playing a bit manipulative role assuming as a guy who wants an easy hookup as a mask by saying, "Can you text me? I would like your number please? I want to get to know you more." I made a sorta nice guy response saying exactly that at an inappropriate time being very forward very early, I said that so I can test to see if she is easy or independent minded based on her response. She rejected the offer and said, "No. I don't give out my number so easily. Would you want to be friends and talk on here." That was the response I wanted and was hoping for. It wasn't her rejection didn't bother me as much as I thought in fact it made me love her more as a person and respected her. I played it off cool and honest, because she passed with flying colors by saying, "Good let's be friend's, I can easily respect that. I'll talk to you when I can on here later." etc. Her rejection made me feel like she values her self and respects herself and that's what I am truly sexually attracted to and emotionally attracted. Yes she is very gorgeous physically, but I'm only superficial for like the first time I meet someone and dates. I know when I get used to them and may see more attractive people, it doesn't phase me, because despite her looks, she is an awesome friend I can count on. I still talk to her since a year ago from then when I spoke to her online. She really really cares and likes me, I am going on a date as friend's and we have a very common love interest passion for music. I know it will head into something more serious, but the approach is what I dreamed of. I wanted someone to come to know me and love my quirks in this fashion be in my reality and share it with theirs and I do vise versa. I couldn't grow tired of this person, because I know they wanted to be here.

I'm much more mature and wiser than a lot of people i know. I spend most of my time finding reasons to love someone than hate someone, internally I get a sharp pain and agony from female's who've hurt me and accuse me of things I haven't done without any evidence. Only out of shear malice and spite to cause harm to me emotionally. I have lots of female friends I trust as friends, but I never had a real romantic relationship that wasn't just physical or going through the motions of semi quzai emotions of love. It felt exciting and fun, the reality that's in my world revolves around this idea of what I dream of having a love that's unconditional, but patient, understanding, just, fun, full of life. Someone who is as adventurous and daring as I am, likes to enjoy life at it's simplest the fullest. Positive energy and a person who is well educated open minded and out smarts me at the same time is humbled by my knowledge of the world. She makes me feel that, which is why I chose to go slow. I learned my mistakes and how I planned on closure is make a successful committed relationship happen for both parties to have the closure. I did this for me, selfishly given my time for her, but the closure is only for me to share.

It will get harder, I don't know of my future, but in time of my successes in music and finances now. I maybe given much more attention of my life through tabloids or silly things. It sounds ridiculous for me to say, but I'm actually surprised that it's going to be now in the realm of reality.

I feel like if it did end, I'll end up being in my own quota and run my own life my way like I am doing now. A single, business man, who makes music for a living doing huge live venues and living simple alone. Has balance to accept the real and unreal as one and can chain the simplest and complex answers of life and mold a giant specter of results.

The real me I keep to myself, because I am hyper intelligent. I am a musical genius and very good business financial man on my own. I'm 20 years old, I have my medical issues, but I'm stubborn like my mother to continue my life's work and life I have now to stay mobile so I won't be in a wheel chair. I fear death in my moment's of shear fear and lack of psych cognition, my music reflects that. I live in a world that's both light and dark, beauty in all, but terrifying mostly. I want peace not with someone else and myself, just to find a sense of reality that I'm alive and this existence won't be my last existence.
I'm a deep intellectual and find avenues always that have never been crossed and need answers. I know everyone I meet never has met me on this level. She might, but I doubt it, and even if she supports who I am like this. I'm ok with that. It's easier for to accept I'm accepted over being understood. If it's not broken why fix it.