[hvert]

Growing up, my narcissist father's parents lived down the street from us. We saw them less often than my mother's family which lived 6 hours away. They always seemed a bit cold and distant. They did not approve of my father's lifestyle and lack of money management skills.

Every summer my grandparents would spend a few months at the camp they built on a lake. We were never allowed to visit because they thought my father would burn the place down with a cigarette butt (which was a bit crazy and paranoid). When my parents were divorced, my mother and I (but not my brothers) were invited each summer.

The first time we went, it was something of a shock to see two boats my grandfather had built, each one for each of my aunt's children. My aunt was always the golden child, 8 years younger than my father.

When my grandmother had a stroke, my grandparents gave the summer home, which had since grown to three lots and two cabins, to their daughter, the golden child who lives 9 hours away. The property is worth probably 5-10x what I paid for my own house - my grandparents were not rich, but they bought early and were able to build right on the shore line, much closer than you would be allowed to do now.

My aunt has two college age daughters and married into a large family. She lets her in-laws stay in the cabin unsupervised, but no one in my family.

It's her camp, so she can do what she wants. It was my grandparents camp, so they can give it to whomever they want -- but it still leaves me just angry. My mother is the one my grandparents call for rides to the grocery store and for errands. I've taken them to doctor's appointments and the ER.

Sometimes I feel guilty because I don't see them that often (but no less than I saw them growing up), but I am just angry at the way they treated my family growing up and angry that they rely on my family for transportation when they so unashamedly favor my aunt. I understand not liking my father - I don't either - but what did his kids do to deserve this besides be born by him?

[Mikeyboy]

It's frustrating, isn't it? Same basic concept with my father, his brother, and their parents. My father was the black sheep of the family going back decades. A raging alcoholic, always in trouble with the law, going to prostitutes, gambling away all his money, all of this started in his teen years and worsened with time. He went on to become an incredibly violent man as well. So naturally he was treated differently from his brother, and understandably so by a certain point. However, I suspect, and have a strong gut feeling that he received different treatment from my Uncle, the Golden Child, his entire life, even as a small, innocent child who simply needed loving and supportive parents, which may have contributed to turning him into the monster he became.

So his being treated differently once he became an adult is understandable given the type of person he became. However, as you said, what did his kids(my sister and I) do to deserve this? His parents, our grandparents, always treated us much different than my Uncle,s children. They were always very involved in my cousins lives, seeing them constantly, calling them on the phone, taking them on vacations, buying them neat and expensive things just because, going to all of their extracurricular events. My sister and I never got anything of the sort. At family functions, I could sense it even as a child, they received favored treatment even right in front of my sister and me. At family events, my grandparents talked to my cousins more, inquired about how their lives were going, how school was. Paid them more attention, and were more lenient and forgiving. They were always so disinterested in us and impatient and unforgiving, even though we never acted up any more than the average child and never caused any trouble. My sister and me, living with the monster that was our father, could have used some of that love and support, and instead it went to the Golden Grandchildren. We were, by extension, also the blacksheep of the family. This is something that has always caused anger within me whenever I think of it, I grew up not feeling any connection to my grandparents, and I do not think of them now, do not talk to them now, do not care about them now. I see them at family occasions, like weddings, and then they have the audacity to ask me why I never call. Gee, I can't imagine! You never gave one da** about me during my nightmarish childhood, but now you expect me to give a da** about you? LOL...no. Get lost. As for my cousins, I cannot fault them, they didn't do anything. I harbor no anger toward them. However, I do look at their lives with some degree of jealousy. They had amazing childhoods, had so many achievements, did so many amazing things. They went on to go to Ivy League universities, studied abroad in Europe, and went on to go into very good careers. It was all I could do, in spite of being equally intelligent, to survive my childhood and graduate high school intact and escape my father's house.

So anyhow, I can relate to how you feel. It's not fair and it definitely contributes to negative feelings amongst family members. Grandparents should never hold anything against their grandchildren because of who their parents are. Anyway, you're the ones that raised the son of a b***, don't punish me for the mess you made.

EDIT: That rant felt good. This is something I've been thinking about a lot since I went to one of my cousin's weddings a couple of months ago. Thanks for making this topic. Everyone else with similar situations should come in here and rant about it. We'll have a rant party.

[hvert]

THANK YOU! I am so glad that I am not the only one. Our fathers and grandparents seem to have a lot in common. Reading your post brought back some memories-- the way you describe your experience is so similar to how I feel about mine.

Like you, I have wondered if the way my grandparents treated my father vs. his sister had something to do with the way he turned out.

Growing up, we lived two streets away from my grandparents but our visits were extremely limited. They saw the way we lived and did nothing. I can understand, to an extent, that they did not want to enable my father --- but why didn't they take pity on his children, their grandchildren? How could they be so cold? If they thought he was that bad, why didn't they intervene for his kids?

I remember sleeping in the car after a family reunion because no one would let us spend the night on their floor. My mother has told me stories of times my grandparents refused help -- when my father had cancer and was in the hospital for treatment, my grandparents would not babysit us so my mother could visit!

My cousins didn't arrive on the scene until we were teenagers. Since they lived several states away, my grandparents couldn't go to all of their events -- but they visited as often as they could and invited them to their summer home every year. Those kids weren't any better behaved than we were.

We barely got invited to their regular home -- and when we were there, we only saw the kitchen! I could not tell you what my grandparents dining room looked like because I never sat there!

And my cousins will get to spend their summers on the lake, use boats my grandfather built for them and named after them, every year for the rest of their lives. There's some envy there, yeah. Seeing the class difference is mind-blowing -- the advantage that my cousins had because their parents were responsible and had a little bit of money to start with is HUGE compared to what my brothers and I had to work with.

So, yeah -- I know that my grandparents are upset that I don't call or visit them -- but they never call me or invite me to their place. It's like I am supposed to show respect and deference that is due to a grandparent when they never really showed us the love someone should have for a grandchild.

In all fairness, for a period of time my grandparents singled me out and spent time with me. They took me to local history club meetings once a month when I was a preteen. They never did that for my brothers and there was some hard feelings about that. My grandfather also tutored me for a few months, which was horrible even if it brought my grade up. So for those two reasons, I feel like maybe I do owe them some visits -- but my brothers sure don't.

[Mikeyboy]

It sounds like we had similar experiences in a lot of ways in regards to our relations with paternal grandparents. It's certainly a source of negative thoughts and feelings. I hope that you're able to find some sort of mental closure. At this point, I think I'm just waiting for my grandparents to die. As harsh as that sounds.

I had a different experience; almost reversed. My father was adopted by my grandparents and was their only child. They weren't terribly wealthy, but they were certainly comfortable. As my father grew up, got married and started a family of his own, my father was an angel in my grandmother's eyes, despite the fact that there were many instances of infidelity, drinking and drugs, not to mention financial mismanagement. In addition, she despised my mother, but not enough to not speak to her. Instead, she caused many years of grief for my mother, insisting that she was trying to steal her only son and blah, blah, blah. Eventually, my parents divorced and once my grandmother began to show signs of senility, the relationship between her and my mother improved greatly. My mother always wanted that relationship and it was sad that it took my grandmother losing her mind for her to get it. I think it was partially because on her side of the family, she was one of seven children - it's hard to get the attention you need in a big family. Not to mention there were a couple golden children there; though certainly not to the extent that either of you have described.

My father has now passed. I've forgiven him for his mistakes, but I'll not forget them.

In any case, perhaps that story was a bit of an aside. I commented because I wanted to know if you've ever expressed your feelings about the whole situation to your aunt? Perhaps you could write her a letter expressing that you wish to have a closer relationship with her and that it's unfair for her to paint you, your mother and your siblings with the same brush as your father.

[hvert]

Your story has an interesting end, in that your grandmother and mother eventually became close.

I think for my aunt, and my grandparents, it is just not possible for them to separate my father from the rest of us. They assume that my brothers will behave badly like he did. Even though I no longer speak to my father, I do think that my grandparents and aunt shunned him too much. He was excluded when he needn't have been.

It is not something that I will address with my aunt. I don't really want a close relationship with someone who acts the way she does.