[Yismymindblank12]

First off, I have been close casual friend's with this girl for over a year now. She is someone I admire, but being honest it's normal for me to lose interest in people easily. I want to know am I too set in my ways and I shouldn't date or should I accept my situation and accept inner peace and share it with someone taking the risk again in the near future. To keep note, I am not going to date anytime soon, I've been in so much trauma from relationships before, I won't dare accept girls asking me out or getting close to me.
In honesty what has happened I am very good friend's with this girl we've had a long distance relationship friendship for a year now, we live in close proximity, we have met once, but she is very very busy. I am very patient and happy being friends with her and content however the relationship may go. I am 20 she is 19, I knew I was in love with her for a long time. I don't care if it is meant to be or not. I accept things easy and walk away very fast no problem. I just don't understand her intent, I am afraid of being on the wrong page on accident on my end. Which hasn't happened, we have both agreed to date over time after being good friends hanging out and having a good time. She does make time for me, it's a great sign, and she does show interest in me. I'm just confused on her intent and what she wants, I love her enough even if she doesn't want to date me I'm ok with that. I'm happy either way, it hurts and makes me mad sometimes, she subconsciously makes me feel like I'm an idiot for chasing her, I'm thirsty, or I don't fit her image.

These are insecurities wrought within myself from the harm of my past relationships. I'm human I made mistakes, I didn't cheat, but I made mistakes. I was abused a lot in my life and I don't let my stress get in the way in our relationship as friend's since last year. I was in a coma, and I didn't like telling her this found comfort knowing I'm going to be alive to be her friend. Not bf or anything huge just friend. I loved her positive energy and the friendship's she makes, she remind's me a lot of myself. I had been very subtle to prove her understanding if she really is legitimate. I wanted to see if she is loose as a friend and would disregard me.

The other part is that another girl has shown lots of interest very good looking as well and likes me a lot I don't love her, I don't want to disservice her as a person and friend. I've known her for a long while, I am having her over tomorrow just to see how things go. I know sex is going to happen, because of tension in her end of the conversation. This is the back story and I'm still not in any form of a committed relationship, including with the girl I'm in love with at the moment.

Now here's my question, I love my friend a lot and care about her, but I'm scared for her legitimacy. Am I being too forward as a friend? Why am I so scared of being not rejected, but ridiculed and treated as like many men who do harm women and be childish forcing themselves? I have a successful life at a young age and I don't think I want a relationship altogether for a long time. What should I do when I run into girls who I am afraid if I'm not too bold or too nice I'll piss them off on my answers of no that I don't want to date them? I don't have ladies coming after me everyday or something stupid like that. I'm only applying this to certain situations I've been in and afraid to be in again. The girl who is coming over is going well and I don't want to lead her on. I am going to be very honest and clear, I know I'm having her over and not for sex it's from how the attraction came to naturally from previous conversations, but I'm confused as well. I know these challenges happen to anyone, but damn it's so much harder when you try to care, but afraid that your body as a man is going to defy your legitimacy of your integrity as a person because of things you had no control of.

I don't want to commit to anything I am too young and too scared to do something stupid with my life. That maybe the answer the question, but I am asking for the specific situation I am in with the two girls.

Oh I forgot to say the other girl who is coming over is giving me red flags already, but they are subtle. I caught on to them, I don't know if I am paranoid or it's true. It's like I am stuck in a world of fear, feeling pressured not to date or be with anyone, just to feel accepted. I never want to be close to anyone, because I've put too much effort and I didn't choose to be an asshole. I did very mature things, and I am in no rush, but it hurts it hurts a lot when I want to feel safe in relationship without feeling like I have to do everything she says with my hands tied or else I'm a sexist pig and I don't deserve love mentality. I have this fear, because I am hurting from things girls suffer from, but my body prevents me from me being acknowledged or even heard. I am a male feminist, and I don't do it to look good for other women, I have a little sister who has a straight head on her shoulders and I love her to death and she is like my role model, as is my mother, grandmother's on both parents side one has passed away. I found out I was supposed to be born female and have a twin sister, I was almost a father of a baby girl from an teenage pregnancy, who was aborted, I am not going to talk about that in detail because it's still hard. I should of been the mother, all my life I wish I could be a woman, not because I think it's better, I've seen your pain first hand a lot and it's hard to watch, but damn I'd be content. I've suffered a lot and the fact I have many close female friends with my close male friends for many years. I wanted to be a woman, because I could make choices represented on my looks ironically it wouldn't work too well because I know the world we live in now makes anything for women harder and looks won't help in any parties. I only wanted to make the statement clear, and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the hatred I get for being in this body for things I didn't choose to do, but other men did. I'm tired for women having to go through that horrible stuff in their life and forced to live in a world of fear of vulnerability. I know because I'm vulnerable myself and I realized women don't want vulnerability when it's truly their, because they won't believe it's real since I'm male. That's how I've been treated and imposed on, and why I don't want a relationship this cycle is killing me. The girl I love is real, and I want to be her friend explicitly. It's my only way of showing any intimacy, because I crave it, but lack so much of it in all of my relationships. I feel like if I'm not a perfect image of what a girl wants I'm nothing.

Sorry on the rant, I'm completely confused.

[Yismymindblank12]

I have completely forgot to add, I am very afraid, also, because I have a very rare autoimmune disease. That affects my neurological functions of my whole body. It's stiff person syndrome it affects 1 out of a million people. It's very very painful, I had lost my ability to walk a bit today. It's a hard fact to accept losing my mobility a lot when I used to be the kid who was always physically active outdoorsey adventurous kid and teen. It's hard to accept after all those years of pain mentally and the traumas I've witnessed I would never wish on people I hate. I have this disorder I continue to move on. I'm truly truly afraid of being taken advantage of then, I don't want no one to come into my life and expect me to need them or expect them to do everything for me so they feel they can pressure themselves away. Make things more convenient for them to hurt me, and make me inconvenient short end of the stick. I don't play like that, I have my life straight and I only start relationships, because I want to be with that person just because it's that person alone. Nothing else, sorry.

I don't know what I need, I hate being viewed I ask too much, I do my best not to. I really don't care what, I hate being vulnerable, I hate being accused by women and men or anyone I can't be vulnerable or feel anything. It's why I am depressed it's why I don't want love, because it's everyone wanting to dig down you and find the root of your core and then pull it out and spit it back in your face to beat you down til your nothing. I have lived my life in shame from things I had no control over before this. I hate myself at the same time I shouldn't, but I hated being associated I have to love myself or no one would love me.

I don't if it's just me, but the I've felt so pressured and imposed to be perfect to girls, I hate it. It's like no room for error or your a **** head like the rest of them. Seriously, it's the words and feelings I put on this message is the fear from the responses I've gotten that are so irrational and insane. It makes me afraid to be alive, but I go on, just to hope it isn't all that bad. I can handle life, but relationships all have sucked, and I don't think I want to hook up with that girl, because I'm don't want anything to be attached. It's not that I'm not man enough to tell my feelings or I'm not man enough to take a challenge. It's that even when I do I still get nothing, it's pity, it's shame. It's that I'm no good I'm just like the rest of them, I'm heartless soulless it's that my feelings of victimization didn't come from just from failed relationships or honest mistakes as a guy to a girl growing up. I learned from them, but I still get this ****. I get appreciated as a friend, get complimented, and appreciated as a person, but I don't look like this kind of guy or I don't have this kind of trait that they dream of is perfectly ok, but if I had those feelings. It's sexist or silly, you're unrealistic, I'm sorry. I'd rather be called miserable and alone in stereotype when I know I'm happy than feel like complete crap in a relationship I don't care about and be considered a **** head for real then.

Does this make sense to anyone?

I seriously, cringe when my family and friend's talk to me about marriage and me. I cringe and want to throw up, when a girl pretends to like me, I mean she flirts to get a stereotypical response about her boobs or her *** or whatever quality personality or common interest, to boost her ego. When I don't know this person personally at all, complete stranger. I cringe when I want to say I love you, but never ever when I do muster my strength to say it. I don't regret saying it, but always rejected that requires their explanation. **** if you're scared to talk to me because you're afraid I'll get mad like every guy go ahead, I'm scared of you. We can both be crazy and repulsive, I just wanted to be honest. I don't go up to every girl I meet and tell them I love them. I take lots of time and consideration, I get passed on a lot. See the ******** is, I'm not entitled to anyone, but damn I'm tired being treated like second place or last or I'm in the line of everyone else who has said that. An ego has made the biggest turn off I've ever met, in women, I love women who are proud of who they are, but if they have to brag about everything and assume I have to love them, because they exist and every other guy does.
I've seen this in the weirdest ways, from very secure to insecure.
Women are NOT full of liars, *****es, hoes and every derogatory bs stereotype that people put on you to scare men away. I know their are some truly nice girls I respect their opinions, I've mentioned this before, but this pain is so real. It's so real, and I hate being misunderstood after explaining my story and being tossed aside. Damn what do I need to do to get noticed as something special.
I got all these great things going on, I got a possible record deal. I'm taking care of my body a lot, because I don't want to die young and delay my stiff person syndrome. I have great friends and family. I am an experience to be around not just a friend, I've been told I like to make people smile and laugh. I am honored when some people especially some girls I've asked out, want to be friend's.

In all honesty it doesn't matter, none of it matters. I only wanted to feel is real, I only wanted to suffice my suffering and security of my existence that someone else knows I'm real so I have to be real. All my life, I suffer very unique circumstances of depression from just existing. I'm depressed I exist, because I don't understand anything, it's not the fear I don't understand. I am afraid, my life is a lie, I am afraid, I will die and this ******** this pain was meant for nothing. I will go in the black hole abyss I was in when I was brain dead in a coma twice at 16 and 19 years old. That I will die unhappy, despite my strong efforts to find the good being alive. I'm scared of this timer running out and from the stupid statistics I try to disprove about dying young with stiff person and life quality immensely diminished. I would live some life that's worthy that I made some impact or I did something that grants me I exist or that I didn't do this for nothing. Sometimes I wanted to be in love with someone who sees the world I see the good and bad, in my imaginary place I live in a place that person who knows me, but I've never met them knows. The person I used to have very vivid lucid dreams about, marriage, friendship, in different time periods correctly placed events. Very vivid memories of someone I grieved over I never knew my whole life, I never knew this person, but I'm still crazy for them. I know my heart was attached to this person who may or may not exist, whether this life or not, but damn. I couldn't hold it in this post.

All I want to do is die, even with all the money and success, I would have, because I don't care if I don't exist. I don't care if it's meaningless and I have to go through the motions like my last past lives were. I remember everything since I was a toddler till now, I dream about this stuff everyday I see spirits every day. I can stopped being followed, by someone who wants to talk to me. I want it to be her, I don't know who she is, but dammit I wish she was real. I don't want to fall in love, because I love this person and I wanted to find this person so I can truly die in peace together at last. I never wanted to be here in the first place and only wanted a lasting happiness this person brought to me. She shown up once when I was a boy, she actually interacted with other people adults and other kids my age at 6 then one day she never existed apparently. Everyone didn't know who she was, and thought I was crazy bringing her up, it's so strange she sought out me, because she knew me. I didn't know what's going on at all my reality crashed and all credibility of existence with religion and science right out the window. I didn't have schizophrenia. It feels like I'm surrounded by people who are crazy, and I'm the sane one in a world that's trying to pin me down. I remembered her name, it was summer, she was my age she talked to me first I was in daycare as five years old was in my class for 2 months, one day didn't show up. No one even the teachers didn't know who I was talking about, she had bleach blonde hair a dancer and grew up in an athletic family apparently. After that, I had 20 people in my house who were real as everyone else, they disappeared they were legitimate friendship's and interpersonal relationships. People looking on the outside say I may have mere hallucinations and I'm schizophrenic, I met every psych person in my city and neuro doctor and no one knows what I'm talking about. They can't put me in any category in mental illenss, I couldn't fall in love because my heart belonged to someone that left me. In a way that's still so painful, literally disintigrated when I was too young to understand what death was or what anythng is. I only dreamed of having that relationship again, so I didn't want to feel like no matter alive or dead. I didn't have any grasp on anything and it's all irrelevant. It happened me once before and I still can't recover. I can still hear her voice. My therapist and neuro doctors say I am very clairvoyant and on the extreme ends of being a psychic and sensitive. It's how I can read body language accurately and effortlessly without talking to the person or seeing them in person. It's the energy they give literally is the gateway to their thoughts it works on anyone person, I don't know the best. It's a very difficult thing to deal with when your thoughts are being pushed away with someone else's. You feel like you're body doesn't belong to you. I felt that way when I dated those girls, all I wanted to do is fall in love, but no I'm fooled like everyone else. I know this was way off topic, but it came out and I'm still hurting. I needed to let it out. My body is falling apart from my medical problems, and I don't want to die. I want to be safe and free before I do die. I haven't gotten it yet personally. I'm still looking for her, that proof of existence. It's more than love, and companionship, I wanted to be alive, not in this body, but spiritually and being finally recognized by this stranger to tell me who I am and actually show me truth not convince me, because they wouldn't need to convince me they would know I would know already who they are.

It's so hard to deal with can someone explain what this is. I know this is a very complex post, but it's relevant. I can't feel like relationships are even worth it if existing is not there or even feeling relevant. This came about, because I've always felt I never belonged on this planet and even when I see alot people say that online or anywhere sarcastically. I truly truly felt that way, I have not connected in any sort of relevancy, because of that existence issue. I've dealt with since early childhood. I've had the normal trauma's a lot of people have, but for some reason.

I never knew what this is. I never gotten an answer, nothing vague, straight, whatever. No one has known, because they don't experienced it like I did. I only feel the echoes now in adulthood, but as a childhood it was reality. It's still reality, because I still experience it. I only beg for answers, because I've went to churches in christianity capital state tennessee. I've talked to many guru people, anyone who is out there and different in this world, but's all the same answers in all the different perspectives reinterpreted I understand the concepts, but everyone has missed the point and I feel unheard.

Does anyone know what this is? So I can truly love me, because I can know what's going on.

[Yismymindblank12]

To keep in mind, I've been around the ringer many times, and more than convinced it's not a psychosis experience or a response to an actual everyday stress. It's also has hindered my want for intimacy, because my heart was taken with someone else way before I started dating or old enough to understand the feelings I had.
I grieve, because I don't know what's going on, and I never understood why this happened. I'm so scared and stressed, because no one has an answer or understands how to put it without putting their personal beliefs of things they don't know. It's hard to relate to anyone even anyone with all kinds of mental health spectrum issues or general stress issues. At some degree, I'll get close with someone, and then I don't feel like I made any right choice, because subconciously my heart always feels it's not her, it's not the person you are looking for. I choose to accept the flaws to get passed it, but the attraction goes away, and I end up being tolerant, but go out my way to feel genuine. That's only happened in dating, not meeting people. It's not something as so simple of getting over someone, because I had no state of reality to begin with.

I consciously choose to be with that person, because I want to be with that person. I based my judgments on mainly characteristics that remind me of that person so I can grieve better and feel ok. I don't tell my partner about this, because they wouldn't understand and I don't want them to stress themselves out. Certain physical features, it's like an obsession, on hoping this person is alive and well, but you're not sure if you are making any sense, or that any of this even matters or is real itself. It's like I want to love you, but are real, is the love even exist is it just a concept to bring preservation to the world we live in. I'm not sure, I really don't know, I choose not to care, because I haven't felt safe, because I do get scared my reality will bottom out again and everything and everyone be gone. I still see this person take many forms, to delude my memory on someone I had feelings for and that may or may not exist in the first place. These are the the thoughts based on actual interactions and things that are paranormal and difficult to explain to me. It's hard, because I want to freely express my love, sexuality and be myself. In truth every relationship. I'm trapped and caged to be the partially closed me, keeping my body and soul in fear that someone will not agree and try to destroy me or change me to their liking.
I can say no and go on my way when it comes to relationships, and have no problem sticking up for myself, it's when I'm vulnerable and I have to push people away because they don't appreciate it.

I'll be honest I haven't read all of your previous three posts Sounds like you could really use some emotional support Are you open to/currently seeing a counselor to help you sort your feelings?

[Yismymindblank12]

Not able to anymore for awhile after finances are paid.