Need help with my fiancee

I have known my current partner for many years. I returned from living overseas and a little over one and half years ago, we have been romantically involved. I am currently bi weekly engaged to the most beautiful, intelligent, soft and witty person. I am also bi weekly estranged from a monster.

Just after we started going out she checked herself in to a mental health facility as she was having a small breakdown. I supported her fully during this process even though my own mother died during this time. She was suffering from depression. She was never diagnosed with any specific disorder, although it is known that the facility she stayed at, is more of a vacation spot than a proper mental health facility. She does however suffer from ADD. Prior to her stay she had been abusing both prescription, as well as illegal drugs. During her stay at the facility she was put on various medications and sleeping medication. After she left the facility she started deviating from the prescribed dosages, and eventually just stopped altogether. Since her stay at the facility, as well as during her stay, she also stated developing cold sweats at night.

My sweetheart can be very loving, and at other times very aggressive. Both verbally, and on the odd occasion, physically. One week she can’t wait for us to get married as soon as possible, and have a baby together, and on the other week she doesn’t want anything to do with me. She will bar me from her house, and even threaten me with legal action should I try and contact her. Then she will start texting me again, and everything will be wonderful again after a brief chat. She was also pregnant almost 10 months ago, she chose to abort the fetus, and only told me about it afterwards. She was very remorseful, she fell pregnant a couple of months later again, but this time she had a miscarriage.

I am really worried about her and I also love her dearly, and want her to get better and happy again. She has slowly destroyed relationships with family and friends from both our sides. I so badly want her to get better, but I don’t know how long I can do this anymore. She is constantly putting major strain on my family situation and my work has suffered tremendously. I know it all sounds like a lot, and most people would probably tell me that a diagnosis can’t be made online, but I do need help. She does not think that she has a problem, but finds fault with everyone she comes into contact with. She also still uses / abuses prescription drugs that she gets illegally. She uses Alzam on and off, sometimes for a week at a time. She also contemplates suicide. Could her problem be hormonal, or maybe drug related? She is a good person deep down. She also refuses to go see any therapist or mental health professional. Please help. She is 39 years old.

you are right we can not make any diagnosis of members or their friends/family/girlfriends/boyfriends....

what we do here is share our problems, tell the poster whether we have had the same problems, and how our own treatment providers have us handling those problems. we can also give virtual hugs and thanks if comfortable as a way to tell the poster they are not alone and that we have read their posts.

I have had these same problems. sometimes the problems turned out to be me not setting any boundaries/rules in the relationship, other times it was a situation where the other person didnt really want to be in a committed relationship so it was an on and off again type relationship until I said enough. other times it was because the other person was being manipulative, and other times it was because of mental disorders.

what I can tell you that may help is getting therapy for yourself. you cant force the other person to get therapy but you can get therapy for yourself to help yourself understand what you are going through and how to handle the situation in a way that is best for you. we cant tell you how to do that.

Im not going to say drop this person because only you know whether you need to call it quits with this person or not. I can tell you that I valued my self more than being in a relationship like this. I chose to be in a more positive relationship which ultimately lead to my being married to my wonderful wife, and having a wonderful family.

Nev, I'm sorry you're going through this hard time with the woman you love.

If you were a confused woman coming here for help, saying you had a fiance who was bouncing between moods, abusing drugs, verbally and sometimes physically abusing you, refusing to go to therapy and all the other things you've described, there would likely be a line of people telling you to get away from that abusive guy, get some therapy for yourself, build up your self image and find out what's keeping you trapped in this co-dependent relationship with an abuser.

So that's what I'm going to say to you. Get some help for yourself. Gender should not matter in a situation like this. Men, just like women, can find themselves trapped in a relationship with a chaotic partner who swings wildly between loving times and abuse. It's a common dynamic in relationships that aren't working.

I have no idea what your fiancee's diagnosis might be. It could be a combination of any of those things you mentioned or something different like a personality disorder or complex PTSD. The key statement is that she refuses to see a therapist or a mental health professional. She does not think she has a problem. Putting a label on her behavior isn't going to help anything if she refuses to seek treatment.

But you can see a therapist for yourself. Your work and family are suffering, you're confused, you weren't able to properly grieve your mother's death because you were too busy contending with her mood swings. You've lost two pregnancies. She could be grieving over those. What about you? It would be normal to have some unresolved feelings over a termination and miscarriage in such a short length of time. Somewhere along the line the ball was dropped when it came to birth control. It's important that you take responsibility here so you don't suffer another loss or a difficult pregnancy compromised by drug abuse. It's a very complex situation you're in and there would be absolutely no shame in seeking help from a therapist.

A therapist could assist you with all of that and could do a much better job of helping you understand what's going on with your girlfriend and whether or not you can do anything to help her. As the situation stands now, it's unlikely things will get better on their own and they could get very much worse.

I hope you will seek a therapist soon. That doesn't mean I think you have a mental illness of some kind. You have a life problem. Therapy can help us when we're stuck in a bad situation and don't know how to make it better. It sounds like that's where you are right now.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you find a therapist to help you get unstuck soon.