[jimmy rich]

When I first got into 12 step support groups, I found a teaching about becoming 100% honest and it hit me that I had never been all that honest in my whole life! I soon realized that the main reason I had been a life long LIAR was because of the unhealthy relationship I had with my parents where lying was absolutely necessary of I’d get hurt by them. I was PAINFULLY honest as a little kid but my parents put a stop to all of that. The story of how I became such a devout liar is long so I won’t bore you with it here. I imagine that some of you can remember how you became a devout liar your self.

So, in therapy and Recovery, I began trying out these new and frightening behaviors like 100% honesty. I did fairly well being honest with strangers but not so well being honest with my then wife because there were so many secrets between us and ever so many subjects that were TABOO for her so most of our marriage was built on extreme dishonesty.

One day while driving to work LATE, I found myself searching for some “excuses” to tell my boss about my tardiness and suddenly realized that I was doing it again – making up LIES instead of just telling the truth! I decided right then to change my ways and tell my boss that I am late because I left home LATE. The intention to be honest actually broke me out in a sweat and I almost backed down but when I got work and told my boss the truth, she just shrugged and walked away! I was stunned that she did not tell me off and then it hit me that most people MIGHT accept my truths in most situations PLUS, I felt so much cleaner and free to actually speak the truth.

Next, I began telling my then wife the truth – in very blunt and direct ways about EVERYTHING. Unlike my boss, my then wife did NOT happily accept my truths but once I got started speaking the truth, I just couldn’t stop – it felt so GOOD to be free of the fear and complications that go with having to tell lies so, despite her resistance and objections, I loudly and easily began speaking my truths to her. Later on it dawned on me that my then wife, just like my ignorant parents, actually WANTED my lies instead of my truths so she would feel comfortable with her own LIES and dishonesty. I have come to see how many people prefer lies to embarrassing truths because it allows everyone to hide behind lies and feel SAFE. I first learned this fact of life from my stupid parents but never realized why they were like that until now. They preferred NOT TO KNOW the truth about ANYTHING that would upset their security and comfort.

Telling the truth finally brought my 1st marriage to an end. Then, when I got involved with my now wife, we pledged to be 100% HONEST with each other thanks to the teachings of Barbara DeAngelis and other Relationships coaches. As we both got used to being totally HONEST, we realized that it fostered trust and made our whole life comfortable and happy since there were no dirty little secrets like the ones that had ruined both of our previous marriages. Learning how to be totally honest was the single most useful and powerful behavior I ever re-acquired after my hopelessly ignorant parents knocked it out of me by age 5.

Are you 100% honest? If not, why? If yes, how is it helping you?

jim

[kaliope]

its admirable to see you have made these changes in your life.........