When he looks elsewhere

I never wanted to be 'that' wife. The one who throws a fit when my husband looks in another's direction or snoops through his things to see who's he's been talking to and what they were talking about. Unfortunately, that wifely perfection has eluded me.

Shortly after our daughter was born- while I was still waking up every three hours to feed, burp, and change her, my husband and I switched sides of the bed so that I could be closer to her crib. Our phones are the same model, though the colors differ slightly- one black, one dark silver and the backgrounds were the same photo of our newborn daughter, but I digress, they look the same at three in the morning in a darkened room when you've had little to no sleep.

His phone went off and my sleep-hazed self automatically grabbed the phone and went straight to the text message that woke me- and the baby up, to a message from a (former) mutual friend of ours. The message didn't make much sense at the time, so I scrolled up a little to see what I'd last said, not realizing it was his phone. Touch screens have a flaw where they over scroll sometimes, which is what his did- right to the multiple nude photos she'd sent my husband.

I was fully awake and sick to my stomach by this point. I've had women teasingly send me nudes before- which I showed my husband and he often joked with friends that his wife 'shared' her tit photos with him, but he never once mentioned these to me. I went through and to my shame- read through the messages that went back before our daughter was born.

There was light flirtation in the texts, which I'd expected with his equally flirtatious nature towards both men and women who we were close friends with. What made me sick to my stomach was a message after the nudes- he was pretty sure he wasn't allowed to reciprocate, but he was sure if she messaged '----', he would supply them. The '----' being an alternate account name of his that I later found out he had indeed reciprocated by sending her nudes of himself.

It took me a week to ask him about the photos- leaving out the fact that I knew he'd sent his own and another week after to ask him about the ones he sent. During the time that I was trying to muster up the courage to confront him, I asked him daily if there was something he needed to tell me. Did he want to see other people or was he unhappy in our marriage- to which the answer was always no. The conversation broke my heart when I finally told him, but we worked through it once I pinned him down on the specifics that I knew, which only served to make me wonder- what don't I know?

I will admit to snooping through his computer- I was looking for a video of us he'd mentioned and found numerous pornographic photos and videos. The porn- I expected. He is a male after all. The photos and videos of his ex's- I didn't. I ended up swiping them all and then feeling guilty put them back. We talked about it and he deleted them that day.

Since moving to our currant location- I've met several of his old friends, one of which, is now my best friend. What I didn't know at the time, was that she was previously involved with my husband before we met. Now, I don't hold it against either of them for having a life and relationship before I met my husband, but learning of the fact from her friend during an outing was not my cup of tea.

When I'd gone through his computer before, I had found photos of my husband and my best friend in wedding photos from one his mother's previous marriages. I'd mentioned it later- saying the title said our friend's name and they looked adorable though they were kissing. His response was that he knew a lot of girls with the same name, to which I assumed I was mistaken.

After it was brought to my attention that my husband and best friend dated- much to my best friend's horror, because she assumed I already knew, I confronted my husband about the lie, which he claimed was only an 'omission'.

I feel like I'm not being trusting enough when I constantly wonder who he's talking to. When I wonder if he's really at work for as long as he says, though he comes home covered in paint. Or if he's really going to the car meets he goes to on occasion while the baby and I stay home.

At the same time- I wonder, what else don't I know? It seems like, unless I specifically, pin him down on something- I know you sent those photos, I know you two dated, ect- he won't tell me or admit to it.

Needless to say- none of this has helped the anxiety and panic attacks or the severe postpartum depression I've been suffering.

I've recently heard the saying, "if you don't want to find something then don't go searching for it." It kind of reminded me of the saying, "what you don't know doesn't hurt you." I can agree. Ignorance can be bliss. Had you not discovered these things by snooping on your husband, there is a decent chance that maybe things would have went through their naughty course without your knowledge and you'd be living in ignorant bliss with your husband. It's also likely that the behavior could continue and eventually it would hit you unexpectedly in the future if he decides the grass is greener and he no longer wants your farm land. Or maybe he is like a good percentage of society that gets bored and is an occasional thrill seeker and attention grabber. Maybe things can be rekindled if you were to add more excitement into your life. Regardless, I think we all want to know the truth. We all want to be in a relationship that is real, honest, and trustworthy and those qualities can be damn hard to find and for sure damn hard to maintain. We all want our partners to dive in with full honesty and passion, while out of fear we dip our toes in. Next thing you know both sides are not giving it their all and you find yourself dancing around obstacles and creating more problems rather than confronting issues head on and creating solutions. You feel guilty for snooping. You've explained scenarios in how you arrived at finding this information mistakenly and maybe that is the way it occurred but forget the excuses. Forget feeling guilty. You'd like to trust your husband fully but in this world people slip and everyone fears the worst and sometimes are watching out for those red flags. You found your suspicion and if he has made a commitment to you and neglected to follow through with his words/promises then you have every right to know. He failed at telling you. Although snooping is not considered a solution, I think at this point you have every right to snoop and know what another person is getting you involved in. His actions effect your life and he is behaving selfishly. You have a right to look out for yourself, but you also have the responsibility on your part to try to make it right and try to save the marriage. Yes, he got you guys in this negative situation and that does not exclude him from working on things too. It's your choice how you would like to move forward. But I'd say being more direct with better communication is the first step. Anxiety and fear is too toxic to keep in your life.

Why would YOU feel guilty?! I would have rolled total crazy on him if it had been me!

Obviously, he hides and omits important information from you. He's lucky he has someone like you, because I'd be sitting in jail right now.

Smh

Are you getting treatment for your depression? You also need some therapy to deal with your husband.
Off topic: do women really want nudes of men? It all looks alike.

Hello RoselynKeir:

All I can say is that when my now wife and I first began our relationship, we decided NOT to make the mistakes both of us made in our other marriages so we seriously studied some relationship books and tapes. Among the things we learned was to start off with 100% honesty and NEVER let it slip. We did that and felt this amazing relief and freedom as our honesty and truthfulness gave both of us a sense of TRUST and comfort that we would be able to discuss and FIX anything that might come up to for us. We have no kids to damage by being bad parents or a troubled couple BUT the few, powerful relationship skills we learned and continue to use, like honesty and affection, are keeping our marriage good, fun, loving, safe, respectful and HAPPY.
If I were you, I would do whatever it takes to ensure that my child will not be damaged by unhappy or troubled parents and I would do that by getting into counseling, therapy, reading relationship books and tapes or anything I could find to HELP my own kids grow up mentally healthy.
good luck,
jim

I'll never understand why some women internalize these issues and think they have trust issues when their husbands are giving them NO reason to trust! Why are you blaming yourself and saying that your husband deserves to be trusted when he's out there flirting with other women and sending them nudes of himself? Stop blaming yourself. This guy is a jerk and a liar. Unless he agrees to go into couples counseling with you, I wouldn't expect anything to get any better.