How much space do I give? Want to support

Hello, my bf is experience extreme anxiety. We are new and I went through anxiety last year so I'm familiar and want to support him. He has shut me out completely and isn't sure we can be together.

Can I show him support without stressing him out? A txt saying that I'm thinking of him?

Please help.

You're in a tough situation because when people are suffering extreme anxiety, they can feel oversensitive to everything. If you back off and give him space, an anxious person might feel abandoned. If you show you're there, they might feel smothered. And there's no way to predict what the reaction will be because it's often coming from inside the other person's own insecurities instead of being a rational response to your action.

So ... what do you want to do? Back off all the way? Or let him know you're there?

One of my best friends has panic attacks and general anxiety. When he's in an anxious state, it doesn't matter what I do, it's wrong. He later apologizes, but while he's anxious, everything rubs him the wrong way.

I can tell you the thing he responds to best is something like a text that says only, "Hey." Or "Hi." Then he decides whether and how too respond.

Because nothing I can do in the moment is going to be interpreted as right, I choose to do the thing that is the least disruptive or distressing to me. That usually means giving us both space. When he's all bristled up and feeling defensive about everything, I need my space away from him until he calms down.

I don't know what your BF is experiencing, but it might be beneficial to you to be prepared that no matter what you do, you can't predict how he'll respond. But maybe just a texted "Hey" or "Wsup" or whatever the two of you might ordinarily say if things were okay, just to touch bases, might be okay. His response will probably depend on how he feels in the exact moment that he reads the text. Unpredictable as hell!

Good luck to you.

I sent him a txt hoping he is doing ok and that I'm not going anywhere, etc. He replied a short while later thanking me and apologizing for disappearing as he is in a rut, having a hard time with everything.

I replied saying that I understand and if he wants an ear or a hug or just company that I'm here....no reply. He came out of his hole for a moment and gone again.

My friends all think I should ditch him, but we have such a connection and I understand what hes going through, I want to stand by him...even though he is hiding. Am I crazy?

I would like for you to consider that a healthy relationship is mutually supportive. You don't say how new this relationship is but if this man is telling you he doesn't see a future, you might want to move on to someone more interested in being with you. I hope what I have told you helps.

This makes me beyond sad. Its been a whirlwind romance in a short time. He doesn't want to put me through this and said that he can't see his own future so its hard to see anything else.

I feel like I'd be abandoning him, even though he's isolated himself.

Not in my opinion. Maybe you're hopeful and compassionate and empathetic because you went through an episode of anxiety yourself.

All I can say is that female and male needs are often different. Not always, but often. It's not unusual for men to want to go into their cave and be alone when they're not feeling up to par. Not all men, but a lot of men.

Maybe it would be good to keep in touch every few days or so with a simple text and if he texts back to respond with just "ok" or something neutral, rather than an offer to get together or be there. He knows you're there and if you hover it will tend to make him feel annoyed or guilty or worse.

In the meantime, make plans, go out with your friends, don't put your life on hold waiting. If you don't want love, romance or sex with anyone else right now, that's okay. But do your best to do your work and enjoy your free time instead of waiting. It will be hard. But it'll be better for you.

One of the things that can happen is that if we sit around waiting with all our hopes aimed at that one person, we tend to start feeling anxious ourselves. You might start bombarding him and driving him away. It sounds as if that's not what you want to do.

There really is a place in between abandoning him and sitting around waiting for him. That middle place is living your life, enjoying yourself, while still being willing to offer support if he decides he's open to it. Very hard! It really is. I hope you'll be willing to give it a try.

Crazy? Noooo, well if you are, rest assured that I am crazy too!

My BF suffers from severe depression and is one of those men who retreat to his mancave. When its very bad he has retreated for up to a month!

He also tried convincing me he's not worth the effort, but he definitly is, and then some. Lol

He was just used to women not respecting his need for space and eventually walking out because they weren't willing to deal with that. So guess he thought I would follow the same path...

Its not easy, and no, friends rarely understand. People have become sooo accustomed with regularly contact that anything less than texting maniacally on a daily basis is often seen as a slight to your partner.

In the past relationships fared quite well on daily phone calls, weekly letters, etc... so idk what all the panic is about a GF or BF who doesn't make daily contact multiple times.

My bf? He goes quiiiiiet, shuts the whole world out. Me? I send him a "hey thinking of u" text, or kissy face emojis, or find inspirational, funny, cute pics online, and send them every second day or so.

This way he knows I support him, but there's no pressure from my side for him to respond.

This is admittedly not the easiest thing for a partner to adjust to, but he's supportive of my MH needs, so its only fair I do my best to be supportive of his. And sometimes he reallllly needs to be alone.

Like your bf, mine also texts a short reply from time to time. Its his way of showing appreciation and making an effort to stay present. But by now I know him well enough to know he's not starting a convo, so my reply to him is usually a kissyface emoji and then that's the end of that In other words, I just acknowledge his message.

Ps. I wasn't always this ok with his need for space. But after watching him do nothing but silently lie there face-down ignoring his phone and the door for 16hrs straight... I felt like an a.s.s for thinking it was just me he needed to get away from. I'm no stranger to depression, but seeing him look like shyt first hand put things in perspective for me real fast.