[Ttravis350]

I'm 24 I'm a male and I have bi polar. I've always had mood swings and chronic depression. It's ruled my life. About three years ago the woman who is my best friend, my whole life, the woman I couldn't see myself without came into my life. It's was so good at first, we were so strong we couldn't be pulled apart. I don't remember when exactly it started but it did. I texted women innapropriatepictures of myself. She would find out and I would either tell her I'm sorry or freak out on her for looking for me to be cheating. I know it wasn't her fault, she loved me and wanted to be with me and me texting someone else tore her apart. There's been more than one episode of texting and once I met with a girl and went out with her, she was on the back of my motorcycle and fell off, she got a little hurt so I stayed in the hospital with her cause I felt it was all my responsibility. During that time, I think it was 3 days, I barely talked to my fiancé and again, I can only imagine how that made her feel. Eventually we talked and she stuck it out for me. As time as gone on, the cheating has slowed down because I know what it did to her. I wish I could explain it, I didn't cheat to be mean or even because I WANTED to it was like I was watching someone control my body while I watched, powerless.i know everyone says you can make your own choices but I just don't know how to explain that I felt NO power. Regardless, things steadily got worse, I would freak out over stupid things, little things, things that DONT matter, and some that do. I always wanted her to dress the way I said because of my insecurities and guilt. I put on 60 pounds, I couldn't seem to pull myself out of the bed or off of the couch, I lost more than one job because I saw no reason to go to work everyday. Her birthday was recently and she wanted me to go to a concert with her and I didnt. That's ALL she wanted for me to go to a concert! And I couldn't get over myself and go with her. The guilt is KILLING me. All the time this beautiful woman just wanted ME and all I could do was cut her down and make her feel horrible. She's mentioned meds and help before though I don't feel she really pressed the issue. Anyways she 'kicked me out' on Tuesday night, this is Sunday. She told me she wanted to be done but some part of her was still holding on. When we first broke up, I cracked, I didn't get mad, but intensely depressed. This is when I read about bi polar and went to the doctors to start meds on Thursday. It hurts me so bad because I have SEEN what I've done to her now. I've SEEN what she feels. I KNOW I destroyed her and her heart. All I want to do, is make it right. I know what I have, and what I've done, and I want to change it FOR HER. I want to be different FOR HER. I want to treat her like a trophy(may sound bad) but that's what she is. There's a bit more to this story but like I said, I was diagnosed with bi polar AFTER we broke up. I just want to talk to her and show her, have the chance to prove to her. I know it's so very hard for her cause that's all there's been out WHOLE relationship, my words that mean nothing, and her giving me more chances. She said she's so sorry it has to end like this but she feel disconnected, she's so hurt she can't feel anything anymore, she says she feels his is all her fault because she can't give me another chance. I don't know what to do. I've only been on meds 3 days but this current situation is tearing me apart. I just need her to know, it's diffrrent, I've seen what I have and I wanna take EVERY step to change it. I wnat her to know I can be normal, and loving like I should've been in the first place. But she's moved all my stuff out and refuses to talk to me or even see me. She just says she can't see me and she told my sister she doesn't want to talk to me or hear from me at all. I just want to tell her everything will be different. Not only because of meds but because Ive SEEN all the pain I've put her through and I KNOW this is ALL my responsibility. I'm starting counseling tomorrow but right now I'm so lost. She's all I've known, all I want, and I want to change for her. PLEASE HELP ME WHAT DO I DO.

[kaliope]

hi ttravis
I am sorry that you have had to lose so much. it took my world crashing down for me to see the reality of having to get on meds and therapy to get better as well. you have to do it for yourself though. you cant get better for her. it will never work. basing your recovery on someone else nevre works. you have to want to be better for yourself. you have to want to never do those things again because you are disappointed in you, because you want to be a better person. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[lilypup]

Welcome. View it from her side. I think you let things go on too long before getting help. Good luck!

[Ttravis350]

Originally Posted by lilypup

Welcome. View it from her side. I think you let things go on too long before getting help. Good luck!

I know, that's why I feel so horrible, I can't live with the thought and the guilt of knowing what I've done to her and the heart I ruined. I just wish I knew what I had. I wish I would've listened to her the couple times she brought it up. I wish I could've gotten out of my head and into reality. I just want to show her I WANT to be different. There were times I would wake up and and tell myself, 'I don't want to be this way I hate this' I wish instead I would've done research and try to figure out what it was I had. I just felt so hopeless like I didn't have a disease, that it was just something I wasn't strong enough to do, control myself. I just wish she knew this time it isn't words. It's actions, and they're real.

[hannabee]

If you want any chance with this woman I would suggest you back off immediately, sit down and write her a coherent letter explaining as much as you can about the reasons you acted as you did, ask for her forgiveness and if she would be willing to talk with you in, say a month or so, after you have been on meds and had some therapy.
That, IMHO is the only hope you have at this point. Good luck.

[Ttravis350]

Originally Posted by hannabee

If you want any chance with this woman I would suggest you back off immediately, sit down and write her a coherent letter explaining as much as you can about the reasons you acted as you did, ask for her forgiveness and if she would be willing to talk with you in, say a month or so, after you have been on meds and had some therapy.
That, IMHO is the only hope you have at this point. Good luck.

Thanks for the suggestion. That's what I'm going to do, leave her alone until she says otherwise. It hurts so bad, and everything I do reminds me of her, every song I hear, every road I go down, every food I see. I'm excited because of what I heard meds and therapy can do but at the current it's hard to stay focused on the good. But no matter what I want to be better. I just hope somehow she can understand my condition and see hope for us. I appreciate everyone's help it's been hard to admit I have this while I've killed our relationship. I'm slightly thankful for what has happened because unfortunately I don't know if I would've seen what I have, much less wanted to change it. But I wake up with the guilt of how she's feeling and what she's felt. I'm gnna do my best to take this time and really focus on myself and what I need to do to make myself better. I just feel like it would be easier with her beside me, although I know Im the one responsible for where we're both currently at

[Ttravis350]

I'm sorry I feel like a blubbering idiot. I'm trying to keep hope. I'm not gnna stop trying to get better, cause that what I want. But I feel like I can't move on without her. If she just knew all of everything that bi polar and depression caused and took control of maybe she would see the hope for my change. I think she might know about bi polar but doesn't truly understand it. That's all I want is the chance to explain to her that now that I know what has been going on, I can and WILL change it. I'm trying to hit this with a one, two punch, meds and my mentality that I WANT to change it. I just wish she could know