[Jay267]

Situation:
I'm 26 years old in quite a high management position, I work from home working late hours contracted for 40 hours but could be 60 or more some weeks.
The past few months work has been really stressful with constant restructures, unsure job security, difficult management issues and people creating problems I have to fix while they tell me how I should be doing my job like I'm an idiot.

Boyfriend is 25 years old and has been unemployed for at least 6 months and is not trying to find work. That's ok. Truth is he has a lot of money for compensation for an accident he had when he was much younger which he lives off, so he is having financial input with our bills etc.

My problem is he sits on his *** all week, expects me to do half the chores when I don't have the time for it and then leaves dishes out all week so I have to do them on the weekend, refuses to help me with them because I should've done them every second day throughout the week.

We take turns cooking dinner but some nights I get stuck in meetings and emergencies happen at work so I can't get away until 9:30pm or even later. He knows what's going on but will sit there and wait til I'm done so I can cook dinner to feed us. He doesn't once think maybe he could help instead of watching TV.

By the weekend I'm totally exhausted by work. I haven't been able to chill out with him all week because he goes to bed before I finish work and on Saturday morning I wind up sleeping until midday because I am so exhausted. I wake to him nagging me to get up because there are things he wants me to do.

We need to do the gardening, clean the fish tank, do the laundry, go out shopping for things to do more chores. He wants to do this and that right now and I have 5 minutes to get out the door. But he watches TV and plays video games all week when he could contribute. I don't get to do the things I want to do.

I have chest pain just typing this right now I'm so stressed and exhausted. I spend my weekends with him pissed at me and us arguing instead of trying to recover so I can face the next work week.

I've tried to talk to him about it. It he doesn't understand. He winds up googling what is wrong with me then nagging me and getting aggressive with me saying I need to go to a sleep clinic because I sleep til. On every day after working til 2 am. He doesn't want to be my housemaid but he doesn't want to get a paid job or anything either.

What on earth can I do to stop all this??? I love him but he's driving me crazy. I know I'm not being perfect either, I should try to get up earlier but I'm so tired and stressed and depressed it's so hard when I have to get up to him telling me how to live my days

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

Is this a passive aggressive envy sort of thing do you think, or does he seriously believe it is OK not to support you in your time of need?

[Bill3]

What do you love about him?

[Trippin2.0]

"try to get up earlier"'my a.s.s


You can't just erase the fact that you're exhausted on Saturdays because your bf has boundless energy from doing absolutely sweet nothing all week.


If you continue to push your limits by denying yourself rest you'll reach burn out before your 30th birthday...


Rest falls under the self-care umbrella, its imperative to continue taking good care of yourself!


If it were me in your busy shoes, I would organize dinner only for myself on nights I work till 10pm, he had ample time to eat, and he's not doing so wouldn't be my problem.

I would implement a "my mess my problem" rule so that chores are divided and don't wait for me to complete them all on my day off.


Your bf is selfish, and love is all good and well, but I could never stay with my bf if he was as unsupportive and selfish as your bf.


You deserve a medal for putting up with such bullshyt!


Incase I was unclear you don't need to make adjustments and sleep less, your bf needs an attitude adjustment.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

I wonder if he feels that you are working too hard for your own good, and that he has decided that to help you would be to collude in a situation that he feels is harmful? If so he is not addressing it very well of course. Just a thought.

[hvert]

I have had this problem from both sides!

When I first met my boyfriend, he was out of work. Paid his share of the bills from savings, but fooled around all day. My work situation was much like yours, too many hours, uncertain job security, and some interpersonal issues that drove me mad. We theoretically took turns cooking, but it was maddening to come home after a horrible ten hour day to find him moaning about what was for dinner when he had been fooling around online all day.

He did actually change his behavior somewhat after we discussed this. I also think that the fact that I hated my job so much had a lot to do with the resentment I felt towards him.

Now *I* am the one sitting on my ***** all day and he is the one nagging me about getting a job, probably because he doesn't like me sitting around enjoying my freedom I try to pick up the slack and would never dream of not making dinner if he had to work late. OMG. I actually do all the cooking now and some of the dishwashing. I get annoyed if he starts to take all of the work I do around the house for granted -- it's not like he is paying my bills. Living in a situation where one person works and the other doesn't is extremely challenging, imo.

I do find that I have to remind myself that we have very different energy levels due to our situations. Like today, I am all raring to go do something fun with him, but he needs some downtime.

I know that we aren't seeing the full picture of your relationship in what you wrote, but this aspect of him is pretty bad. He does not sound supportive or caring. I still expect my boyfriend to do some chores, but he is not in a high stress/too many hour job right now -- when he was, I picked up the slack, no questions asked, because it was the right thing to do.

Assuming you don't want to just dump him (which I would be thinking about), here are some ideas:

What if you just ate out instead of cooking? You wouldn't have to do any dishes or any cooking. Sometimes life is just too crazy for that. If he doesn't want to pay for it, he can cook for himself and do his own dishes.

Just stop doing the dishes or picking up anything. Stop running errands. Tell him you are done with gardening while you are at your current job. The fish will probably live in a dirty tank. Stick to the bare essentials. If he says 'we need to do X now,' respond with 'okay, I am going to do Y.' Stop giving into his nagging and he will eventually learn that it is ineffective.

[Jay267]

Thanks for your replies guys. Hvert that's exactly my situation. It's a lot harder than I thought it would be with one working and one not.

Well we ended up having a huge argument about it but we managed to work it out the next day after we both calmed down.

He says he understands a bit better after talking and he feels like a prick.

We agreed that we'd switch which nights we cook, and if I'm going to be working late I will let him know earlier so he can do something about it. Dishes will be dealt with on a if you created them, you clean them basis (Trippin's my mess my problem suggestion, thank you!) except for the pots and pans.. Whoever gets them will get them... And from now on he's going to ask what I want to do with my day on the weekends before he starts telling me what he wants to do.

Only been a couple of days since our argument but so far so good.. I had to work until 5am last night and he let me sleep all day, hasn't bothered me about the dishes I left out from dinner.

Whoa, whoa, whao....

"switch which nights we cook"??

The rules are as follows....

It's 50/50.

If you work an 8 hour day, then he has to do the equal at home. Housework is hard work. Your job is hard work.

Why does one of you have to do any more than the other???