finding out the way i feel.

i met a guy when i was 13, i was infatuated and sort of possesed, he didnt love me back and after we went seperate ways, i dont know what it has turned to. i was confused and desperate, first sitting on a chair and thinking about the way i felt like and how wonderful it was. then sending letters to a girl about it, and later i saught for something which could replace my hunger and drug for him. siggarettes, people, sex, children (didnt actually get pregnant after all, so dont know). but nothing replaced it. basically ive always been disgusted in myself since that. i dont know, maybe my ego turned big and i didnt give a damn about anything around me, family, or not even him because i used him to figure out how i felt. and the possesive thing was gone too. i didnt care i was in touch with his friends although one of the things i wanted the most was to be more part of his life. its like i have no freedom and cant breathe. anyone knows what it means?

Not certain to say what it could possibly mean? How long has it been since you've had any contact with him?