Bad advice?

I don't know why my past therapists, friends, social workers, and previous dates are trying to all tell me the same crap over and over.

I don't know what to do, I feel like I'm being pulled in a tug o war with believing or not believing what they are trying to help me at.

For example, I'm having girl problems, the advice I get, "They'll come to you. Follow your dreams. Be more positive. Love yourself and they'll come." and so on. My therapists say the same thing with my relationship with my friends.

It's so frustrating, because I feel like crap every time I'm around people or with my friends. I feel like crap, because I feel like they are pushing me around instead of helping.

I know they intend to give me tough love, or to figure it out, but I'm not stupid. I know what to do to give myself peace, but in reality that's impossible in my position now. I can't run away, and be isolated in my own world dissociated from everyone's here and now. I don't want to date people, because I hate people. Deep down, I never really wanted to fall in love, be a guy, or grow up. I've accepted this a lot and say all the time, this is my life and I'm dealing with it well, but my friends never see that. My therapists never see that, my past girlfriends at the time never see that.

I'm lonely, because I think and talk on a whole new level than all of them. I feel like I'm too smart or too stupid for them.

It's like when I'm told to love myself, I do and it doesn't get me the results I want. I know because I do this all the time, but how can I love myself, when it's very painful trying to fake it or working on it.

What I can't stand is my looks, I can't stand my face and my body. I only wanted to be a girl so I am confident in my own skin. I mean I'm not bad looking, and to others I'm physically attractive, but I hate how I look, because it's normal and human to do so, but for me. It's like
I really hate myself in the regards of, no matter how hard I try. Everyone only wants to kick my *** expect me to 'man up' about what, nothing except forming me into a person I'm not.
I'm never happy, because I'm trying to please people, because I'm seriously forced in a situation if I act differently. My mother yells at me, my friends will isolated me like before if I act differently and people flat out avoid me.

I don't know what to do, my brain probably has severe brain damage from my medical stuff, my brain goes in circles skimming the point I'm trying to convey but can't ever get it right, because it's not working properly. I have to punch myself and hurt myself a lot and get mad that I'm not good enough, when my friends constantly expect me to be better if it's for good intentions or not. Same with my mom and therapist.

In reality they are detached from me, I don't consider one person I trust, because everyone is so quick to hurt and destroy what's left and they see it one way. I don't know what their seeing except the outside, what goes on in my head. I feel like they are trying to imprison me in my own head, after they give me criticism I have auditory hallucinations I usually scream at with their voices telling me how worthless I am. They don't help it, they tell me I'm overreacting in person. My brain goes farther telling myself hearing them in a loud and quiet room screaming at me.

"Don't do it. Don't kill yourself yet, you're worth being alive, to be treated like **** by us."

I have things like that all the time since I was a child. It was normal and it's gotten overwhelming. I feel like I would like medication, but I can't take it, because it will physically destroy me like before with my neuro problems and it would most likely make it worse as before.

I feel like, I need a more supporting environment in my real life, not my virtual life. I only wanted to become famous and successful so people would notice how hurt I am just for existing and that I only wanted to die now, because it's too much a pain just to get anyone to acknowledge how I am actually feeling not how they think I should or am feeling. It's that disconnect I wish people would stop, my mom, therapists, and friends would stop.
I don't feel loved I feel like I'm being constantly tortured emotionally. I don't feel safe and it can end up making me feel paranoid. Sometimes, I feel like they do this to intentionally make me confused whether I should kill myself or not. It makes me feel like I'm not a human, I'm a body that's a tool for their own deeds to take advantage of.
I know it's led me to have an eating disorder, which I know I'm mentally at risk again and really saving money to buy laxatives and working out. Just to stop people in my head telling me how ugly and worthless I am.

I wish people gave me courtesy and respect I've been longing than the one I deserve in their mind, which it's given me more disparity and made me relapse on depression again. It's like I'm constantly being sucked down all my life and I seriously if I could just hide in the middle of nowhere preserve the relationships I dreamed of having with inanimate objects like I used to before.

Seriously, I've not had a very positive experiences over a long time with my friendships even with my closest friends.

I realized it's something other than, "you gotta love yourself more or be more positive" bs advice than what they were telling me, because even if it helped a few things. The problem is still there and has always been there. I think it's so silly to assume I need to believe this crap, because I don't. My needs are always swept under the rug, I only wanted to be a pretty girl now so they won't they'd be so interested in my looks they'd put me in the spotlight faster to get the help I need, but no. I'm stuck in the mind **** of a cluster of idiots who never got me.

I found this out, when I realized, when I meet new girls or girls that might like me. I looked at myself and said, "I definitely don't see myself with them ever." no matter who they are and what they looked good or not to me or I liked being around them. I find myself really , not cynical as I used to believe, more depressed that no one really loves the real me inside that I am forced to shut out. I feel like, being honest gets you no where, but more superficiality, and people pass you by very quickly, because the advice that may work on others doesn't work on me. Seeing that I am making a very hard effort to let a lot of crap has really done wonders, from my previous negativity. I'm just tired being assumed that when I just want to feel loved in a different way. When someone talks to me, I don't want someone to say their sorry give me **** advice and be on their way. I don't want them to be my therapist either, I just want a hug.

I find a lot of girls unattractive, and get very snarky and angry annoyedish feeling when they come up to me even if I'm in a very good mood. I hide it of course, but I feel like, "O god! what does she want?"

I know it's that I had an interpersonal relationship and I really loved someone, who is real, but at the same time never felt real either they never existed just a memory of a real person or the remains of the memory of a person I don't know. That really knew me, that really loved me, and encouraged me in a way that's made me so excited to be alive and that she exists, but she's dead since before I was born. I know she isn't hear now, not that I know of except on my gut feeling. I'm more or less waiting to either die from life or a miracle happens from my years of working so hard on getting out of here pays off for once. That I can finally breathe and not holding my breathe since the last decade and so on.

This is what they all do, and this is the reason why I'm so depressed and wanting to kill myself a lot. Every therapist, friend, family member etc.

The 5 Worst Things People Do When Trying to 'Help' | Cracked.com

And this too got it right on the dot!

Are You Living Life on the Outside? | Childhood Emotional Neglect