difficult mother

I have a very difficult mother (she's toxic) and she's probably undiagnosed depressed. We got into a big fight a month ago and I wasn't speaking to her for that time. Finally I did reach out and she made me apologize for what I said. I did regret instigating so I did apologize. However, she never apologized for anything she said. Whatever, I let it go. I was planning to visit my parents this weekend, and then I get an email from my mother talking about how if I say anything critical or negative when I'm home she will ask me to leave immediately, because she's worked very hard to make the house peaceful (side note- she is always talking about having 'peace' in the house which is bizarre she's making such a big deal about it). After that email, I decided not to go home and told her I wasn't feeling well so I wasn't sure if I would make it. I was so angry that she is allowed to say whatever rude thing to me and I have to sit there and take it. So pissed off. I have always been close to my mother but it came to a head recently bc she doesn't like the guy I'm dating. And I just realized that the constant side digs and criticisms are getting to be too much.

Wow, I think you made the right choice in not going home this weekend. I would be really angry, too.

I just don't even know what to say anymore or how to deal with these kinds of angry emails or rude comments. Mostly I deal with avoiding and distancing myself. This stuff is out of control.

I can understand this. It isn't my mother that is the problem but is my mother-in-law. She too is toxic and very passive aggressive and feels the need to speak her mind and i don't do anything to defend myself. I tend to just avoid rather than nip it in the bud. After months of abuse from my mother-in-law, through social media (the cowards way out), my husband finally wrote her a letter to stay away unless she could treat me with respect. We have not been in touch with her since. She still tries to wiggle her blackness in through our kids and i am struggling with what to do about that.

So, to get back to your post, just know you are not alone and it sounds like you are being loving to your mom and respectful to her by not fighting back with hurtful words and things you can't take back. Maybe setting up boundaries for how you will allow her to treat you will be necessary instead of just telling her that you don't feel well so you won't be seeing her. It is possible to tell the truth in love and still protect yourself in the process.

Trust me...you aren't alone in this. Hugs.

Please stay away for a while.You need a physical distance while you process your feelings of upset.There was a time when I needed help from my parents.I asked my dad if I could come home for a couple of months.And this request was just after I nurtured him to life from a near death situation ,while my mom didn't care for him.He was critically ill and I paused my life,ran to my parents home to rescue him. I needed help now and he said......You are not welcome here ,if you don't obey your mother.That meant take the abuse that she dishes out.I agreed to not to trigger my mom and stayed there a month.I will tell you that month was most bizarre part of my life.My mom became a monster because she had a permission to abuse.I actually moved out earlier than I wanted.Just wanted to share.

I am sorry your mother fails to make you feel welcome. How old is she?

Starbuke, I'm also having problems with my mother so can relate to what you are saying.

There are similarities with your experiences. In my case, the unacceptable behaviour isn't because of old age/illness. She's always been a difficult person. Disagree with her/be your own person at your peril!

I agree, distancing yourself is right thing to do. Self-care is very important; you are not here to take her unacceptable behaviour.

My mother is a coward. She'd rather jeopardise a good relationship with her daughter because she can't take issue with those who have caused the problem, namely my aunt (her sister) or my brother (younger/favourite child).

Hello!! It sounds like you're in a really tough situation with your toxic mother. It's not fair for her to demand an apology from you without offering one herself, and then threaten to kick you out of the house if you express any negative feelings. It's also concerning that she's always focused on having "peace" in the house, which suggests that she's not addressing the underlying issues in a healthy way. It's understandable that you're angry and frustrated with the situation, and it's important to prioritize your own emotional well-being. If you're not comfortable visiting your parents right now, it's okay to take some time for yourself and set boundaries with your mother. It may also be helpful to seek support from a therapist or trusted friend or family member.

This is a post from 2014 and OP hasn’t been on the site since 2014, it’s 9 years.