I can't keep being mom's emotional crutch

My parents got divorced two years ago. I moved back in for two reasons: to help out my mom and to save money while I go to college. I'm having a really hard time with my relationship with my mother. After two years she still goes on and on, daily, about how she's alone and how much she hates her life. I try to sympathize, I try to support her, I try to help her with my siblings (ages 16 and 13) and with finances, but really I just don't know how to help. She's at a point where she's obviously very depressed and doesn't want to do things anymore. She refuses to deal with my sister and brother. She won't eat healthy. And then when I try to step in, try to help with running the house, she loses it with me. Today she screamed at me for half an hour because I "walked past" something that needed to be done (moving chairs from the living room back into the kitchen after the floor had been mopped) and about how I never do anything to help around the house and that I think everything can just be left to her. At the moment she was yelling, I had just washed/put away all the dishes, made lunch for the family, and was folding laundry. I work seven days a week. I've been struggling with bipolar disorder and new medication. I go to school full time and I have straight A's. I'm trying to get into graduate school and I'm studying for the GRE. And all the while I'm trying to eat healthy, exercise, and pay for school. I can't deal with my mother's emotional needs and mood swings on top of all of this. She wants to treat me like an equal one day so that I can listen to all her emotional problems and give advice, and the next day I'm thirteen again and she's doling out chores like I'm a kid. I help her handle everything. I cook dinner. I remind her to update her registration on her car. I help her with bills. I have to step in with my siblings because she "just can't do it." But then she wants to turn around and yell that she's in charge of this house and I need to respect her and it's just confusing and hurtful! I do respect her. I just don't even know what to do. I don't feel like an adult child living at home is just a child to be ordered around. I do my best, but she doesn't see that. I'm not financially able to be on my own right now; I could move out, but I'd have to drop out of school. I just don't know what to do, any advice would really be appreciated. I'm really angry and frustrated, and at the same time I know she's working hard and is sad and frustrated too. But why is it that I'm the one who ends up handling everything for her???????

so stop doing for her. let her manage her own life and you worry about yours. when she complains about her life, ask her what she is going to do to change it instead of trying to make it better for her. you cant fix it. it is driving you mad. set boundaries with her and be firm. do not tolerate being treated like a child. go to counseling with her if necessary fo help in defining your adult roles.

I've tried doing that, and she ends up getting angry and not speaking to me...I'm also worried that if I upset her enough, she'll kick me out.

I feel bad for you and your siblings , your getting the wrath from your mom due to the divorce . Have you asked your dad if you can move in with him and maybe your siblings as well your mom needs time alone to heal and clearly she has not had it if she has been divorced 2 years .
Your dad needs to help with the kids and not leave it all for mom . Your mom is going to have a nervous breakdown .

The thing is, my dad is worse. He is also bipolar (though he doesn't "believe" in mental illness) and an alcoholic. He can be very violent when he is depressed and kinda crazy when he's manic. He also got remarried over the summer and now has a happy little bubble with his new family and doesn't really acknowledge us. He also moved about an hour out of town, which is a pretty long commute for school. So nope, cannot

Unfortunately, there's not a lot you can do while you are living there. I would try to spend as little time in the house as possible. I had a similar situation when I was in college. In hindsight, part of me wishes I had moved out sooner. I don't think there is a way to be an adult child living at home that doesn't involve getting treated as a child!

I am not sure how you go about this, but I would really try to back away from her when she is treating you like a friend. Stop offering advice or sympathy if that's what you've been doing. Don't help her decide anything. If she starts moaning about something, just agree with her without giving her anything that feeds the conversation. When you start to get the hang of this she will (hopefully) learn that she will not get the response she wants from you.

It's time for your mom to put on her big girl panties, and stop lashing out. If these outbursts are rife with resentment, time to get some therapy and finish grieving the loss of your dad, accept this is her lot in life and get through it.

Short answer: Get out ASAP.

Long answer: I lived thru a similar situation at a similar age, and I can clearly identify that time as the point in my life when MY life truly went to hell and never recovered. I know what you are going thru, and I know just how much worse this could get for you.

I'm sorry you are having to shoulder so much, and are not even being appreciated or treated fairly. NONE of this is your problem or responsibility. Not your parents' breakup, not your mothers' life now, not your two younger siblings, not your fathers' behavior, not the financial issues, none of it. I get that you care about your mom and your family, but this is hurting you and has the potential to really throw your life off track.

You were not married to your mother or father, you are not the parent of your two younger siblings. You do not have to take care of them, period. Sounds rough? It's not. You are entitled to continue to live your life in the way that best supports you and your separate, individual life, even if that means moving away (physically, mentally, emotionally, financially) from your family and their needs. Their needs are NOT the same as your needs. You are putting their needs before your own (and are being encouraged/ asked to/ expected to) and suffering for it. You said you also moved back home not just to help but for your own financial issues, but this situation is too much to your detriment now. And it could get worse.

This back-and-forth, up-and-down cr@p you are getting from your mother only serves to upend your balance and keep you focused on how to do more, do better, do it "right" for HER. That's taking care of her, not you. There is no way for you to do everything just right or good enough (whatever that is), because this is not about you and something you should be doing. You can't fix this, any of it, in any way, shape or form. THIS IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. By asking so much of you, your mom is making her problems your problems.

It's not going to work to live at home to try to handle your own financial situation while this is all going on. If your mother is like this now, it will likely take years for her to get her act together. She could get herself straight at any time, but it's probably not going to happen soon. She is likely only going to get more and more dependent on you, emotionally, financially, etc.

Will your mother freak out at the possibility of your two siblings leaving and do all she can (covertly, overtly) to get you to stay with her so she doesn't have to be even more alone? Will she do that when you try to leave?

What happens in two years when your 16 year old sibling finishes high school and wants to go to college? Will s/he stay home and take over so you can leave and go pursue your life? Will your mother insist this child sacrifice their life for her and stay to help her? Will you insist that your sibling stays and sacrifices for you? (not saying you would do that) Or will you stay and continue on while they go on and have a full life (like you should be free to do)?

Same questions for your 13 year old sibling in 5 years (and 5 years can pass in the blink of an eye, esp. when you are living like you are and doing all you're doing).

After you get into grad school (straight A's!!), do you plan to continue to live at home? 'Cause this is gonna break you. This is not going to work long-term. You will suffer for it. I don't know much about bipolar, but I'm sure stress is not helpful. You sound seriously stressed and overburdened. I think it's amazing that you are handling everything as well as you are. And I think it stinks that you are having to handle all this in the first place. This should not fall on you. This is too much for you. You are being asked to take care of too much. This is not okay.

You can't get your mom to shape up or get better. You can't get her to change her reactions or responses to you. So what do you want to do? How much longer do you need to stay? Do you have an end date in mind? What is that dependent on? Can you make that happen for sure? You can't stay open-ended, with no date in mind. It sounds like you are dealing with more than just being treated as a child. You are being asked to carry your mom's problems and her life right now. Not fair to you at all.

I agree with everything hvert posted.