[Lotterywinnernow]

I was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer in 2007 I nearly died they said had I waited anther a month or two I would be stage 4 fatal. Then in 2008 I get stage 1 melanoma cancer on my back. During all this time the troubles in my marriage escalated. I lost my job , My wife left me after 8 years of marriage, I lost the house my grandparents lived in,(they died 3 years earlier) I was working on buying it before I got sick.

We had to move in with my parents and if it wasn't for them I doubt if my *****y wife would have even cared to take me for treatments. During such a stressful and depressive time of dealing with my health I found out my wife had an affair with her college girlfriend. She felt she was lesbian or bi-sexual.

Since we have been divorced I have had major health issues and have been lonely because I can not find me a girlfriend. Now I have developed a relationship with my computer. I have become addicted to pornography. I cant afford to go pay hookers and Im always rejected by any woman I ask or try to talk too.

I do not like what I do but this loneliness, the emptiness within is very harsh for me to deal with. Not to mention I get paranoid and think that the cancer might come back and finish the job. I used to go to church but now I feel very dirty and unclean to even be in there. I know God spared my life but I don't know why He could help prevent some of life issues from happening.

Someone tell me how I'm suppose to finish living my life. I'm starting over at 47 years old. Except I have more debt to work on. I paid for her college education with sallie mae. hey are very rough to work with...

[curley]

Hi Lottery, I hope your good health continues, you have been through a lot.
Watching porno is not the worst thing you could be doing. I think many men watch it occasionally. Making a habit of it may not be in your best interest though.
If you feel church will help you then go back. No one needs to know about your interest in porno. And regardless of what anyone has told you God does not judge. Having a belief in a higher power, whether it be God or another power will help give you strength. Try to spend time out of the house by getting involved in other activities, with your church or elsewhere.
Many people start over when they are older then you so don't let your age be a guide for decisions you make.
Like I said get involved in something that interests you. Maybe even take a class at school! Making your days productive will make you feel much better about yourself.
Good luck