[moooo2u]

I had mistakenly posted this to the social chat forum and I can't really find a forum that fits - there's a bit of social phobia here, a bit of depression, a bit of self esteem, some marriage issues, some affirmations and self help, current events - a little bit of everything just to keep it interesting.

I actually made it to the NYC People's Climate March yesterday. That's quite a success for me. I was able to catch myself numerous times thinking that it was stupid that I go and acknowledge that it was something that I really wanted to do. Fear and nerves, I suppose, tried to keep me in the bathroom all morning but I made it out catching the later train that I knew would still work for me to arrive with enough time to acclimate.
My plan was to arrive early enough to see which group/theme I felt that I should march with and I was able to do that and the theme of the Scientist group resounded the most with me so I stuck with them. Another reason I was with them was explained by one of the other marchers to a guy who was trying to get the science group to be motivated and loud and to chant and yell - she said to him - dude, we're scientists, we're all introverts and are not going to yell and be loud. Obviously, not all are like that but I liked that - and we did chant and yell maybe just not as loud as the socialists or anarchists.
So, I'd found a group that I could relate to but had to keep convincing myself that I was ok to stay because I love science but I'm not actually a scientist so what right did I have to walk with them. I had to keep telling myself that it was their message that I wanted to support and that I belonged there.
Why does something so seemingly simple have to be so difficult?
We marched, I stayed with that group, I said a sentence or two to a couple of people - always initiated by them.
I need to meet people more like me - I'm tired of meeting the extroverts who ultimately end up being controlling.
There are a couple of problems.
I can be quite talkative and don't mind talking to people but I don't do it enough and I don't really know how to do it.
The march made me realize several things:
1) the people who love science and are basically geeks are the people that I should be surrounding myself with somehow.
2) I have no idea how to initiate conversations with people and am basically afraid to. I think its that feeling that I'm not good enough - the same reason I don't call people or have any deep relationships with anyone other than my wife (whom my therapist had said is probably a contributing factor to me believing I'm not good enough).
3) working from home is the worst thing I could be doing. I'm bad enough with being social but I've had no real contact with people.
4) I was alone in a group of 400,000 people. How sad is that. I had no one to come with me (my daughter would have but had to work). I had no skills or ability to break through and actually talk to someone. I look around at some of the really unusual people who are unique and different and wild and think, "I'm nothing" - I'm too afraid of what people will think of me and believe that people think the worst of me. That's a sad way to live.
I went to a high school football game alone (wife was out with girls) earlier where there are plenty of people I know (wife is on the school board and kids are in the school) and I try to say hello to some and they don't acknowledge me. If my wife were present, they would acknowledge me and they know who I am and I've spoken to them numerous times before. Its strange and it upsets me - its like I'm a ghost which is actually a recurring theme with me.
I'm almost 48 and have been like this all my life. I'm smart, I'm successful in my field although its not what I want to do and I actually really don't like it but its the perfect field for a people pleaser (leading a technical product support team). One problem there is that the potential for conflict is making me incredibly stressed and it takes a lot of effort for me to pick up the phone and call a customer. Too much stress.
The other problem is putting thoughts to action - I know some things I need to do - my therapist and I agreed that I had the tools I needed to progress when we agreed that therapy could end and also, my wife has a friend who is a life coach and I get tidbits of info from him on his various social media outlets. I know what I need to do and I spend a lot of time thinking about what I need to do - I just don't do it.
I will go through my daily affirmations.
I will mediate for 20 minutes and try to rein in some of the scattered thoughts that race through my head.
That's a start - and I've been successful in doing that for a couple of weeks.
I need to find people like me to be with.
I need to somehow expand my skills - maybe go back to college and try to finish but I don't have time to complete most of the free online classes that I try to take - work and family and doing everything for everyone except myself takes priority. When you've always been the person who does it all and makes sure everything is OK, people expect that and don't like you to stop.
Sometimes it seems pretty insurmountable.
But I need to be positive - happiness is a choice. Catch the negative thinking and reframe.
Work is work and I get paid so I need to do my job.
Work allows me to take training - I need to actually do that.
All of these things just fall to pieces though when work actaully starta and pulls me in all directions and when everyone makes demands on my time and needs me to take care of something for them.
This putting myself behind everyone else will destroy me.
Going to the march was good but it really highlighted to me that i have a problem - several.
Why can't I just be happy in my life. I'm getting older. Only one kid left in the house for a couple more years. And don't anyone flip out of the next comment, I'm not going to kill myself, but I see little reason to get older for myself - for everyone else, yes. don't get me wrong, I take great pleasure in my family - my kids are wonderful and I'm sure when they have kids, life will get even more interesting. I've lived a life of regrets - of chances not taken out of fear - decisions made in fear disguised as practicality (Jim Carey said that in a commencement speech).
My children love me and my wife loves me although, its been postulated that she is partly contributing to my destruction. I told her once that she doesn't love me - she loves the idea of me. She didn't get it and I didn't go into it because talking about how I feel produces really bad results.
but anyway
enough of this - time for me to take some action and see what I can accomplish before work pulls me away.
do my affirmations, meditate and then maybe do some of the 3 online courses I'm trying to do or maybe do some online training through work. try to come up with a plan.

[kaliope]

sounds like the march really made you think and evaluate your life and you have started to develop a plan to do things differently. stick to it. make sure your goals are achievable if you want to be able to reach them. take care.

[Ripose]

I also isolate and rarely talk to anyone except my wife, I know that my lack of social skills has contributed greatly to my weirdness over the last 10 years. I seem to have lost my filters and generally say the first thing that comes to mind.

Finding someone outside of family can be a tremendous help. I have been given a new chance at learning to be normal again. A very good friend is coming back into my life, I have not talked to her for years. I truly hope my advice to talk to outsiders works for myself. She will be here Saturday.

There are only 90,000 people in my city but I would be just as alone with 2 people or 2,000,000 so hopefully my friend can help me with this as well.

I wish you all the best and the power to bring others into your life.

[moooo2u]

Originally Posted by Ripose

I also isolate and rarely talk to anyone except my wife, I know that my lack of social skills has contributed greatly to my weirdness over the last 10 years. I seem to have lost my filters and generally say the first thing that comes to mind.

Finding someone outside of family can be a tremendous help. I have been given a new chance at learning to be normal again. A very good friend is coming back into my life, I have not talked to her for years. I truly hope my advice to talk to outsiders works for myself. She will be here Saturday.

There are only 90,000 people in my city but I would be just as alone with 2 people or 2,000,000 so hopefully my friend can help me with this as well.

I wish you all the best and the power to bring others into your life.

thanks. i really don't have anyone else - I've relied on my wife for relationships since college when we met. but before her I was actually able to make a few connections on my own. she seems to take over any connection that I make and now that I think about it, no connection I've ever made without her exists anymore. i've often thought about having people come back into my life but no one does. even people that I've worked with for years and thought I had a good relationship with, I never hear from. no one every seems to reach out to me and I'm afraid to reach out to people and am also not happy that its me that has to do the reaching out. why is it that people don't want to talk to me? I'm friendly and nice. this is probably not a good thought path for me to go down today. its been a rough day for some reason and I'm already sad - don't really know why.
but good luck to you and I hope the person coming back into your life is everything you hope it could be.

[moooo2u]

Originally Posted by kaliope

sounds like the march really made you think and evaluate your life and you have started to develop a plan to do things differently. stick to it. make sure your goals are achievable if you want to be able to reach them. take care.

well, actually executing a plan is the hard part isn't it.

[Ripose]

I took an online course called "The science of Happiness" it gave me several methods for redefining how I think of myself and others, hopefully in ways which will allow me to grow my social life. I have zero social life outside my home currently and even if that does not change I am still left with the self-help methods to make my life livable.

[CoolCayenne]

It's a good time now to start making time for you, and you yourself only. Try and find a quiet place where you can start to think. This is why guys retreat to the shed or the garage to get away from the drama!

Anyway, I had to start learning to say no to people, and this isn't easy! I had to start erecting boundaries, where my time was mine only. There are countless books out there on learning to say no to people (without being aggressive, etc), and with setting personal boundaries.

[Fuzzybear]