Abusive relationships

So I’m not sure what to say or not to say to my 19 year old daughter. She is in a relationship with another girl (K) who in my opinion is not healthy, or should I say the relationship is not healthy. K has anxiety problems; at least that is what she says. She’s lazy and when the girls argue (which is a lot), the way she hurts my daughter is by locking up their new puppy and not taking care of it while my daughter is at class. Over the past two weeks, this girl has gone from one extreme to another. She tried to hurt herself one week (taking pills) and she beat up my daughter the next week. Luckily I was dog sitting and the pup didn't get the brunt of any cruelty.

I moved my daughter home that weekend. She didn’t feel safe and I didn’t feel she was safe. My daughter has been telling me for a couple months she doesn’t see a future with K and in no way would she ever bring children into the relationship. My daughter is smart, but has always thrived on drama. My relationship with her is ok, but strained at times due to all the drama. When I try to talk to her about anything, she does just the opposite to spite me (I feel).

I myself have been in 3 abusive relationships (2 mental and 1 physical). I left all three men because it didn’t feel it was healthy not only for me, but for my kids. I have tried to instill in my daughters that they deserve to be treated good and there is no excuse for any man or women to treat them badly. They have to stand up for themselves and say it’s not ok, I deserve better.

So to spite me or to have additional drama, my daughter is spending time with K again. Maybe that’s not true, but that’s how I feel. She asked if I would be ok with having K around again if she got therapy. I told her I felt their relationship was unhealthy, she deserved better, and that I was afraid that the next time, she might not stop punching her until she was unconscious, but I would support her decisions, just please think about things first. I reminded her of her comments that she didn’t see a future with this girl. I even told her to not lead K on if she was really going to end the relationship. K hasn't started any therapy yet either.

I’d really like her to end the relationship but I feel if I say any more she will do the opposite (she already is). I don’t want to push her away, but I don’t want her hurt either. It’s not fun to get phone calls in the wee hours of the night from a hysterical kid.

What do I say or not say going forward?

Dear Kelly,

I am not a parent myself but I have been a difficult child myself. With us as children or teenagers, we don't want any advice (good or bad); we prefer burning our fingers and discovering ourselves that fire is hot. That's the general idea and I am sure you are aware of it.

On the other hand, I am not sure how good your own relationship and communication is with your daughter. In any case, you should objectively share your concern / view to her and the manner of speaking should be as if one friend/adult is speaking to another. Do not let her feel as if you are trying to steer the relationship for your daughter; rather put the idea there. And then she can decide on her own, your information might help her or may be she will come up to you for an advice herself.

It is a delicate situation and I hope that you are able to handle it carefully.

I think just keep doing what you are doing. Voice your concerns in a calm and rational manner. Kids DO listen to what you say. She will eventually figure it out.

If she has systematically acted to spite you, then you should speak of K in positive terms, and soon the relationship will come to an end, because all the fun would be gone for your daughter. But that strategy will work only if she has consistently and systematically (as opposed to haphazardly) acted in opposition to your advice, manifesting the desire to spite you as her main driver.

Here is the thing about abusive relationships. Only the person in them can end them by learning to stand up for themselves. You can try to talk to the person and encourage them to leave their abuser by letting them know how you feel but in the end it has to ultimately be their decision. I understand it must be difficult for you because it is your daughter as a parent myself I would hate knowing one of my daughters was going through that but she is 19 and you have to leave it to her.

I grew up with a Father who physically and emotionally abused me and my sister when he was drunk and while I am not usually a violent person the best thing I did was knock him out when I was older.