[TornAt35]

I am 35 years old and was married for 2 1/2 years to an emotionally abusive narcissist. My divorce to my ex just finalized last month, but I was emotionally done with the relationship far before then. I didn't marry him out of love, I settled because I wanted stability and to settle down. I stuck it out for as long as I could because I didn't want to look like a failure in the eyes of others. However, I made the decision to file for divorce because I couldn't take the emotional abuse and his narcissism any longer, I lost myself in the midst of it all.

A little background, my father was an alcoholic and my mother struggled emotionally by using passive aggressive behavior and manipulation (learned behavior from her past) on to my brother and I. Needless to say, I was always in search for love to fill the void I felt inside. (I have rejection, abandonment and trust issues). As a result, I have made poor choices in selecting men (controlling, chauvinist, narcissistic & emotionally unavailable), and jumped from relationship to relationship. Hence why I wanted to settle down so desperately and married my ex.

In addition, I always sought out my parents approval, I took their opinions and judgments to heart and contoured my life to please them. By doing this, I have struggled not knowing myself, living in a constant state of confusion, with a low self-esteem, second guessing and not trusting myself.

My brother moved out of state over 9 years ago to free himself and rarely returns home. He too struggles in relationships (he is the opposite - avoids getting close with anyone, non-committal) and struggles personally like I do. Coincidence?

We both have sought out meditation to help clear our minds and find inner peace and both have been practicing Buddhism. Buddhism has really helped both of us, however, I am feeling a strain at the current moment due to the circumstance at hand.

While separated and going through my divorce, I met a fellow Buddhist online and we have been dating for the last 5 months. We both share the same views, perspectives and philosophies in life and a deep understanding of the personal struggles we both have faced. He has a 4 1/2 year old daughter and is an amazing father, I have never seen such a maternal-like father. He possesses all the qualities I have been looking for in a mate. Gentle, soft spoken, kind, compassionate, understanding, thoughtful, loving and non-judgmental. He is extremely compassionate, understanding with me and I feel I have finally met the person that loves me truly for me and unconditionally. We decided to move in together and he has proposed to me (when my divorced was finalized last month). I have never felt so connected and understood as I do with him. My love for him is genuine and true. I have FINALLY found my match. I know the difference because I have my experiences to base it upon.

However, my family (brother and parents) are livid and very disappointed in me. They feel I am moving too fast and the situation is setting myself up for failure. Of course, I internalize all of this and feel like the black sheep of the family, that I am responsible for their unhappiness and I am letting all of them down. My family has refrained from calling me and when I tried to invite for the next holiday, I got shut down.

I have experienced so much unhappiness in the last 3 years with my ex and finally found someone that I love, admire and respect...this is not a rebound relationship. Why aren't I entitled to make my own decisions at 35 and embrace the love and happiness I found? Why can't they be happy for me especially when they know how much I have been through? Why are they pushing me away and rejecting me? I feel extremely hurt and the strain is taking a toll on me. I feel sad and just want to live my life and enjoy this time.

Can anyone offer any advice or personal insight from a similar experience?

[Lexi232]

!
Welcome to PC btw!

You ARE entitled to make your own decisions, and you ARE also entitled to be happy.
It's really tough, and a very much easier said than done, but you've got to live for you. when its the end of the day, and they aren't there... it's just you, and you're the one who's living your life, and feeling and experiencing all that you do and have. and you gotta make sure that you're happy...
i know it's very hard. but you can't make them be any way that they dont want to be. If willing, maybe you could bring them all into a family therapy session...
And i know it hurts , but maybe try to focus on inviting others? The family doesn't seem to be an option. Are you able to create your own family(like friends and close people)? do you know of any one who also don't have plans for the holidays? Maybe inviting them for the holidays?

You deserve to be happy, and to be loved! Those who can't see that, don't deserve to have you.

[healingme4me]

I agree with Lexi. Family of origin struggles, isn't easy. Strangely, it's just relatively common. And often doesn't make sense. Can be distorted, on their end. You aren't alone

[Koko2]

Congratulations and when is the wedding? As for the disapproval committee, forget about them.

[psych spouse]

It seems kind of the "boy who cried wolf" scenario..you made not so popular choices in the past family naturally is hesitant to give a approval.
Speaking from experience going into 5th year of family court resulting from my daughter choosing a emotionally abusive narcissist..my advice to partners about to engage in a serious relationship would be for both go for a psychological evaluation..know what your getting into.

[Orangeblossom26]

You guys haven't been dating that long. Maybe they are worried because of your past relationships and and feel it is too soon and your moving to fast. If he is the guy for you then no need to rush and get married. Try to enjoy getting to know each other a little longer so you have a better understanding of each other because it's alway nice in the beginning. It takes time for some peoples true color to surface.

[Firecrystal]

Orange Blossom is right. You sound too eager to marry someone you've just met. I want to add more though. Have you met him offline?
What it is you want to make a perfect nest and feel loved. This is only natural. Only you can decide who you want to be with, not your family. Your parents don't sound like very nice people and they gave you an unhappy childhood. Yet for some reason you seek their approval about your own personal life? Who you love is nothing to do with them basically. In a way I understand why your brother is distant from them because he doesn't need them controlling his life. He's an adult now.
Others might not agree with me here but I suggest you cut ties from abusive parents.

[Trippin2.0]

Maybe they aren't intentionally being controlling asshats...


Maybe the fact that you're moving swiftly within this relationship translates to "you've not really learned from your past mistakes" to your family...


Yes, your taste in men has changed, yes you've chosen wiser, but your pattern of refusing to be alone, jumping from one relationship to the next...

That has not changed at all.


And no, I'm not saying dance to your family's tune, your life, your choice, but I can see why they are not thrilled about your plans.

They have no idea who or what you're marrying and are not even sure if you do. It's only been a few months...


Personally? I wouldn't rush things, I would want to be sure I was breaking all my previous patterns... It's not like its a race to the finish line... But then that's just me.


I'm sorry things are so strained between you and your family, I hope you guys resolve things soon.

[Jan1212]

That's perfect, you don't need their negativity and you need a break from them anyway. Yes you are an adult, you don't need them acting all immature. Do things for yourself; not your family, or your fiancé, just yourself, you come first especially after all you've been through. My mom has been nasty to me many times. I leaned that no matter what, if I fail or accomplish something, she is who she is. She has issues, and I learned am not the problem. I love her and spend time with her but it's best for to keep some distance. If she's being passive aggressive I tell her, because she most likely doesn't know what she's doing