[Wish I was a cat]

I have a question about how to tell a new partner about your mental illness. Don't get me wrong, I just lost my husband a year ago and I'm not ready to date yet, but I think about the future and know I don't want to be alone forever. I want someone to share my life with at some point. One of the biggest fears I have is when I am ready to date and meet someone i connect with, I will be scared to reveal my problems with depression, anxiety, etc.
Any suggestions?
Thanks!

[Neptune83]

Just be upfront. The way I see it is you have two choices - lie, or be blunt.
When I met my husband (online) we spoke a bit before I gave him my number. We were texting a lot. I didn't leave it long before I told him I suffered with various issues. I can't remember precisely what I said, but I just told him. I think I probably said something along the lines of I wanted to tell him so he knew what he was getting into, because I couldn't lie and say I was perfectly fine and that I was diagnosed with bipolar (at that time I was, but that was incorrect as we now know). It was fairly easy because he told me that he worked in mental health and had had his own problems with depression. I said basically if that puts him off fine, we'll leave it there. But it didn't put him off.
Mental health problems are very common and thankfully less of a taboo subject than they once were, so chances are when you do meet someone, they may well have experienced first hand their own problems. It's nothing to be ashamed of and just be totally honest. If they judge you based on that then they weren't worth knowing in the first place, and at least you know

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[Wish I was a cat]

Originally Posted by Neptune83

Just be upfront. The way I see it is you have two choices - lie, or be blunt.
When I met my husband (online) we spoke a bit before I gave him my number. We were texting a lot. I didn't leave it long before I told him I suffered with various issues. I can't remember precisely what I said, but I just told him. I think I probably said something along the lines of I wanted to tell him so he knew what he was getting into, because I couldn't lie and say I was perfectly fine and that I was diagnosed with bipolar (at that time I was, but that was incorrect as we now know). It was fairly easy because he told me that he worked in mental health and had had his own problems with depression. I said basically if that puts him off fine, we'll leave it there. But it didn't put him off.
Mental health problems are very common and thankfully less of a taboo subject than they once were, so chances are when you do meet someone, they may well have experienced first hand their own problems. It's nothing to be ashamed of and just be totally honest. If they judge you based on that then they weren't worth knowing in the first place, and at least you know

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Thank you for the advice. And you are right. I don't want to lie because of course that is no way to start a relationship. You are also right about not being with someone who is going to judge you. All I can picture is telling them and them running away from the "crazy lady"!

[Neptune83]

Well at the end of the day if they do that then screw them. You're not "crazy", you're human. Anyone who judges another for suffering a mental health problem, clearly lives with their head in the clouds. I wouldn't worry about it.
I tend to make a joke out of it, partly defence admittedly, but it does make it easier in a way and I often refer to myself as crazy. I'd rather people knew I was a sandwich short of a picnic, that the cheese has well and truly slid off my cracker, than assume I'd never had a problem only for them to discover otherwise elsewhere.
You'll be fine

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[ifst5]

This depends on several things. Convenience, how much you depend on other people for support etc. Honesty is usually the best policy - but timing is also important. Are you medicated or in therapy at all? Because it usually helps in explaining things. If they know that whatever condition you have is under control, it's a lot more reassuring for them. Not that being unsupported professionally means things are out of control; but that might be their main concern initially. If you're not receiving professional input i would perhaps be more casual with the details when necessary, especially earlier on in the relationship...if they're supportive and encourage you to share more, do so. But you need to be mindful of not putting too much expectation on them all the same. New relationships and a lack of understanding about MH can combine horribly but if dealt with carefully, there's every hope that things should turn out ok. Best of luck to you.

[Wish I was a cat]

Originally Posted by Neptune83

Well at the end of the day if they do that then screw them. You're not "crazy", you're human. Anyone who judges another for suffering a mental health problem, clearly lives with their head in the clouds. I wouldn't worry about it.
I tend to make a joke out of it, partly defence admittedly, but it does make it easier in a way and I often refer to myself as crazy. I'd rather people knew I was a sandwich short of a picnic, that the cheese has well and truly slid off my cracker, than assume I'd never had a problem only for them to discover otherwise elsewhere.
You'll be fine

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Haha! Loved the way you worded that. It's just that so many people don't understand mental illness. They think you're just sad and you will snap out of it. Others do not believe in medication. They think it is just masking the problem. Also, didn't think of this. I am unemployable so I can't work. That turns people off too. I am however financially secure as I get VA disability so I wouldn't be mooching off them or anything. Sometimes I feel worthless because I no longer have a career. I will just have to find someone that is understanding when the time comes! Thanks for the advice

[Wish I was a cat]

Originally Posted by ifst5

This depends on several things. Convenience, how much you depend on other people for support etc. Honesty is usually the best policy - but timing is also important. Are you medicated or in therapy at all? Because it usually helps in explaining things. If they know that whatever condition you have is under control, it's a lot more reassuring for them. Not that being unsupported professionally means things are out of control; but that might be their main concern initially. If you're not receiving professional input i would perhaps be more casual with the details when necessary, especially earlier on in the relationship...if they're supportive and encourage you to share more, do so. But you need to be mindful of not putting too much expectation on them all the same. New relationships and a lack of understanding about MH can combine horribly but if dealt with carefully, there's every hope that things should turn out ok. Best of luck to you.

Yes I am on medication and see my psych doc regularly. Not in therapy however because I am a disabled vet and have to rely on the VA clinic, I was only seeing my therapist every 4 months so I felt like by the time we rehashed everything from the last visit, the appt was over. So it was just repeating the same things over and over. I do go to a survivors of suicide group every month to help heal from my husbands death, so that is good therapy. I can support myself. I live alone and do ok (most of the time). Casual with details is a good idea, because for some reason, I'm thinking I have to tell them the whole story at once. Now I realize that I don't have to.
Thanks so much for your input.