[shakespeare47]

I've got an odd situation. I've taken offense because someone is treating me with disrespect.

Some of it is rather subtle. Asking me questions without really listening to the answers, and/or treating my answers with derision.

Snorting in derision when I'm talking to someone else.

This is someone I see twice a week. It feels like a bind because he's in 2 of my classes, and I have to be careful not to be rude in class, and yet, I want this behavior to stop. and yet.. . I just don't want to be rude to him... Because then I'm just encouraging this type of behavior, and I'd be just as bad as he is.

The sense I get is that this is just his personality. He's an underhanded weasel.

I've tried to completely ignore him and just be really busy. But, there are times when we need to work together because the classes are rather small.

His behavior is taking up too much of my time.

The most frustrating thing is that because he is so underhanded... and I feel like I need to get along with him... he is able to irritate me time and time again with irritating little passive-aggressive digs.

It appears to be a boundary issue, but what boundaries can I set? At least the class will be over in a few weeks. But, we're in the same small program, and I'm bound to see him in more classes... in fact, I already know I'll be in one class with him next semester.

The one boundary I'd like to set, is not to talk to him about anything personal.... he uses such things against me. and yet, I like to talk about myself, so it's a challenge.

[gayleggg]

Sounds awful! It's hard enough to put up with someone like that but to have to work together with them is even worse. Unfortunately, I don't have any answers. Sounds like you have tried all the things I would have suggested with no good response. I would have to say if you want to get through this class you are just going to have to put him in the ignore box. Try to stay calm and not let him stress you out. The only outcome you need is to pass the course. Hang in there.

[hamster-bamster]

Ignoring him is not the way to go. Ignoring means giving negative attention, and what you need is completely neutral tone... somewhat official and cold even. If the person says something irritating, raise your eyebrows, slowly turn your head towards the person, blink several times as if in disbelief, hold the pause, and then utter something along the lines of: "I am not sure that I understood your point. Is it really important?"

...

[Rose76]

I empathize 1000% with you. I dealt with a similar situation in a work setting, and I found no good approach. Few things in my life have caused me such exasperation.

I kind of like hamster's suggestion. Pulling something like that off might mean you have to adopt a pose that just doesn't come natural to you. I'll bet you're a pleasant person who is approachable. That's why this dikc knows he can pull this crap. It's just not like you to make a person feel awkward or uncomfortable, even though that's what this guy deserves. Plus you do have to work with him. What a conundrum.

Do set that boundary about not sharing anything personal, no matter how odd you have to act to not give him any personal info. Maybe there is someone else in the class that sees what he does and could give you moral support.

[BobbyDavis]

Have you tried irritating him back? Generally when somebody annoys me I will annoy them back and they don’t do it after a while because I tend to be good at **** stirring. Find out some personal things about him and the next time he annoys you throw it back at him.

[shakespeare47]

Originally Posted by BobbyDavis

Have you tried irritating him back? Generally when somebody annoys me I will annoy them back and they don’t do it after a while because I tend to be good at **** stirring. Find out some personal things about him and the next time he annoys you throw it back at him.

I'm tempted. But, then it seems I'd be as bad a him.

[hvert]

Is it so subtle that you can't say something like 'Plese don't talk to me in that disrespectful tone?' For the snorting, you could say 'Are you choking?' or 'You've been making that bizarre sound for weeks now - have you had that checked by a doctor?'

I would confront it. Let him know that you know. Let everyone in the room know that you know.

[shakespeare47]

Originally Posted by hvert

Is it so subtle that you can't say something like 'Plese don't talk to me in that disrespectful tone?' For the snorting, you could say 'Are you choking?' or 'You've been making that bizarre sound for weeks now - have you had that checked by a doctor?'

I would confront it. Let him know that you know. Let everyone in the room know that you know.

Thanks. Yes, that is a goal of mine. I want to confront him about his behavior in a controlled way, so that he is able to see that his behavior is not appreciated, and yet, I am very much in control of my emotions.

[BobbyDavis]

Originally Posted by shakespeare47

I'm tempted. But, then it seems I'd be as bad a him.

Not necessarily. You just have to do it with more class than him and not lower yourself down to his level.

[allme]

There isn't anything you can do to change his behaviour, all you can do is change the way to react to him. You need to put him in a different light, one that makes it possible for him not to have a negative effect on you. See him for what it is and ask yourself why you are letting it challenge you to the point where you are writing here about it. If you can deal with it from within, and put perspective on what's going on, then I think you will cope far better.

Sadly in life we are always going to come across ppl we don't like or ppl that annoy us. The ideal attitude to have is one of indifference towards him.

[IrisBloom]

I'd take hvert's advice to start, then ignore if he keeps it up. In this situation, I would act normal at all times, (maybe limit your personal info), and pretend I don't hear the digs or snorts. If he gets any reaction, positive or negative, that just shows him that his rudeness hit it's target. Try to remember his problem is his own, and not yours. He probably does this to many people and it's a strange way to get attention, but people will do whatever works for them. I'd just give him a big smile next time he insults you.

[shakespeare47]

I'm starting to think he is one of the few trolls I've met in real life.

[++mindful++]

If I may make a suggestion which has worked for me in the past would be to request to meet with this person after class and hash it out like adults. Keep it professional and keep to facts.

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[ChipperMonkey]

Have you tried being sickeningly sweet to him?

Sometimes what I do to avoid letting people get under my skin is to PITY the eff out of them. I look down on them and think to myself "you're so pathetic..." Its hard to let someone annoy you when you feel sorry for them. Just think, he's probably never going to be able to get a girl, have meaningful relationships, etc. I mean isn't that just SAD!?! He's got a lousy future!

[Rose76]

One thing I've heard of is that when someone asks you questions that you'ld rather not answer, you can put them off by asking them questions that they might prefer to not answer.

I've never really used this, but maybe it's a technique that could change the interaction.

I wouldn't worry too much about not wanting to be like him. You're not. And he probably doesn't need for you to explain that you do not appreciate his behavior. My guess is that he full well knows that and is deliberately being obnoxious to you. When you tell people like that that they are upsetting you, then they have pleasure of knowing that they are achieving exactly what they intend. That allows them to move on to phase 2 of their head game, where they start trying to talk to you about how they don't know why in the world you feel that way. Then they start saying that you are hypersensitive and mis-interpreting everything, and that gets you even more frustrated, which is exactly what they want.

So the only defense is to somehow make them uncomfortable. But that's hard to do because you didn't dedicate your life to acquiring that skill, as he did do.